Have A Scary Chanukkah!

Hi. You know, sometimes with all this holiday hustle and bustle, it can be easy to forget the true meaning of Halloween. We observe Halloween to celebrate the birth of Christ. And in celebration of his birth, many traditions have been handed down through the years.

The hiding of the eggs.

The annual pilgrimage to Mecca.

Halloween is a day to bring your daughter to work.

Or your secretary.

And it's the biggest shopping day of the year!

But most of all, Halloween is a time for young people to gather together spreading holiday cheer by lighting bags of their own crap on fire, ringing the doorbell, and running away. So America, Happy Halloween, or as we like to call it, Chanukah.

Have a scary Chanukah!

Is the erection over yet?

I really want that glasses lady to be president. She is one hot piece of mutha, you know what I'm sayin'?

Also, I watched the 1/2 hour obamathon on wednesday and I had this to say about it after about 10 minutes. "I give this a big thumbs down so far!" But I warmed up near the end. It was vague and mostly stupid and not aimed at people like me who are going to vote for him anyway. I heard on NPR that 10% of the population still don't know who they are going to vote for.

I didn't know that the were that many retarded people in America over the age of 18 who were eligible to vote! If I were the caretaker of one of those 10% of mentally handicapped people I would just say "Chocolate or Vanilla, Barry? Which one do you like better?" And then have them pull the chocolate lever. I think mentally handicapped people like chocolate more than vanilla, generally speaking. In my experience.

And they are all named Barry.

I've been at this new manager job of mine for 5 months now and I've learned only one thing that will take me through to my death bed.

Managing people = Managing Poop.

It is really hard. I was always a really easy employee. I never complained, I would always fill in, I'm great in short. I'm really surprised at how much attention some people need! I don't mind giving them attention but I just never knew that some people were like this at work. It is really hard work.

I moved! I have a really nice big place now in Talent which is closer to work and it comes with a dog, a cat and a boyfriend.

Am I saying that Colin and I moved in together after only knowing each other for two months? Yes. That is what I am saying.

I watched Burn After Reading last night. I liked it. There was not one single redeemable character in the whole movie. They were all awful awful people. Horrible people. It was entertaining from the beginning to the end.

You are a booger face.

Fall is almost here! The Atumnal Equinox is fast approaching. I love fall best but you know what I hate most? Daylight Savings. I hate it! That won't be for a while though.

B.A. Baracus for President, Fool!

1 Month

Today is the one month anniversary of when Colin and I had our first date!

I just wanted to check in and say that everything is going along swimmingly. I feel like I am neglecting my friends and my family but it is totally worth it, suckers. Suckas!

My job has been mighty stressful lately so I think that even if I hadn't met Colin I probably still wouldn't be writing much.

Guess what? Colin and I are going to see Wilco play in Bend this weekend! I'm so excited.

Guess what else? Colin and I are disgustingly happy. If I saw Colin and I on the street together being all mushy and disgustingly happy I'd throw garbage at us.

Guess what else? I've been playing the newish Legend of Zelda game on Colin's weeeeeeewii and it rules.

Guess what else? I got a pretty big raise at work last month. I'm so lucky!

Guess what else? That's all.

Mandy Mandy Mandy

Amanda,

Hey there. Remember when it was the year 2008? And you stopped writing in your blog very much? Don't you regret that so much? Don't you wish you had taken more time to document what was going on in your life? Don't you wish that missiles would rain down from the heavens and kill everyone who has done you wrong?

Remember that movie Reign of Fire with Christian Bale and Tony the Tiger? I mean, Russell Defoe? I mean, Matthew Mcconaughey. With the dragons and the fire? That movie sucked so bad. I loved it.

Justin sent me a link about Christian Bale being arrested for beating up his mom and his sister. I'm glad I don't love him as much as I used to in my youth and childhood.

Also, I officially have a boyfriend. Not like how I say things like, "Oh my god, I love the guy who works in the coffee shop, he is totally my boyfriend!" Or "My boyfriend Christian Bale and I were talking the other day about how much his mom and sister need a good punch in the face..." This is a serious significant other type boyfriend. Like when he meets Angelina and Casey tonight when we eat dinner at the hospital cafeteria I will introduce him to them as "My boyfriend, Colin." It is totally serious for real for reals.

Now I can finally feel what it is like to have a man complete me, like a real lady instead of the sad and pathetic single girl lost in a sea of confusion like I have been.

I already miss being single.

Remember how great it was when all I had to do was pay attention to myself? How do you married people and people with kids DO this stuff?

Full frontal disclosure

So I went on match.com. I know, right? Who would have ever thought that Mandy would do such a thing. But I did. Not only that, but I met someone! In real life! I know this will probably illicit a bunch of curious comments but I just wanted to get it down in here in a post because I've been posting so much less frequently and the thing I like most of all about this thing is that I can go back in time and see what I was up to. So for Future-Mandy, this month and year, July of 2008, I met a guy named Colin who is probably the coolest person ever.

I also made it to my first 90 days in my very fancy grown-up job! Which means I can't call it my new job anymore and I can't use it as an excuse for not writing as much.

If you want to watch my nephew kill his first dinosaur click here:
small boy kills first dinosaur. robot monsters next

My brother and jack are so weird.

My dad got an RV/camper/trailer. And apparently he has a gift for me that I am looking forward to getting sometime.

Justin and Alicia are having a baby girl! Justin said that he was going to name her "Clementine Josephine Roses Amanda Byrne" I hope that Alicia is okay with that name because I've already engraved many gifts with her monogram.

That's it, fuckbuckets. That will just have to be enough for now.

My new camera gave me herpes.

I'm so great.

Seattle's Worst

First I went to Bremerton and slept and then I went to seattle on the ferry and then I saw a baseball game. The Mariners lost. And why not the big sea-man for a mascot instead of a moose? Why? Like the guy up top, for example.

The Mariners lost but I really got to know Ichiro intimately and I think it is going to work out for us. And My aunty Tooney wants me to name my first born son Yuniesky after a baseball player named Yuniesky. But I am not going to have children, so fuck her.

Then we, my aunty and my cousins Bucky and Maggie and their significant others Zach and Krista, we all went to pioneer square and drank beer and I had a dirty martini and it was a b-last!

And other things happened that I'll tell the tale of later because I'm too tired of typing right now.

It was the best 30th birthday ever!!!! Although I did get pulled over by a dirty copper just after midnight so I guess that wasn't my 30th birthday anymore. But I didn't get a ticket or anything. And yesterday I bought a brand new fancy camera that I looooove and I'll post some really really great pictures once I get them on my 'puter. Here is a taste of the fun times to come when that happens.






You've got to stop being such a dick.

30!!!

Thirty!!!!

Squirty Squirty.

Everything in my life has changed and I blame you and I miss this blog and also it is real real smokey in the outside. Are you following me Camera Guy

The whole reason I'm even writing this now is because I want one of those sham-wow things from the TV and I need to let the world know. Mayhaps I can find the ad on youtube. Mayhaps.

Ah yes.



First off, I want to marry that guy. I want to marry him and have his kids and take family fotos with all of us wearing microphones on our heads just like his.

Also, the part about the Germans. Golden.

Beware of shamwow imitators.

What've I been all up to. Jesus, I don't know. Stop asking me dumb questions.

I'm working all day and all night. Today I dyed my hair. It was really smokey outside all day. It still is but now it is dark and it is hard to see the smoke but you can smell it and it gets in your eyes. As the song goes. It is funny to try to air out your stinky small apartment after dying your hair only to have your apartment fill with smoke and then you just have an apartment filled with hair dye smell and smoke and then you pass out for a little bit and have some very wild and crazy dreams about Black on Black Crime. Ya'll can't blame me for hip hop.

I watched a lot of tv today. It was a day like any other day.

My lesbian wedding is next week! Remember when I had my big competition for who would be my date to the lesbian wedding? Well, no one entered that competition. Not a single person. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, folks. fucks, is what I mean to say. Anyway, I have a big itinerary. Firstly, I leave on the fourth or the fifth or something and drive the long hours to the Seattle area of Washington STATE. Then I turn 30 years BOLD on the 6th. Then the dyke wedding. At some point I'm watching the Mariners play baseball and also some star trek episodes at my aunt's house. Then I'm just kind of hanging around I guess. Then I'm driving back home and cleaning up the storm of shit that is liable to be all over my desk at work. It is nice to feel needed though.

Please leave me a comment if you read this. The reason is, I want to see if anyone is still reading this after I've not written anything for so long. I doubt it.

Have a happy fourth of Jews Lie.

*updated at 2241*

OH man, you gotta read this guy's wikipedia page. Oh man:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shamwow

Vice Offer. What a name.

If I was a defense lawyer I would always argue that my clients lack motive and opportunity because of their welfare queen mother's poor upbringing, their own personal laziness, and because they were raised before george w bush wouldn't allow them to be left behind like the lucky kids of today. This way, all the redneck dicks would let them off. I'd be the best defense lawyer ever!

I watched Black Snake Moan last night. I just don't know WHAT to think anymore! It was good, I guess. And it had Justin Timberlake in it and then last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with Justin Timberlake because I was like his neighbor or something and he was playing some music that was blowing my mind and just being generally really cool and I said, "Justin, you are the coolest friend I've ever had in my whole life." And he said "That's great for you. We should hang out more often." And he said it in a way that made me understand that he didn't really think of us as "friends" but more as "neighbors" and "acquaintances." Fuck you, JT!

I also had a dream that somehow I got framed and everyone thought I was a big pothead and I was working for both Hilary Clinton AND Barak Obama's campaigns and there was a big controversy over it but since it was a black mark on both of their campaigns it all came out a wash. But I felt really really bad and was crying to Hilary saying "I let you down! I'm so sorry I let you down! I let my nation down!" Also bob dole was there and it was at the beach and I had a package of hotdogs in my hands that I hated for some reason.

I'm pretty sure that this dream was because I forgot to drop my ballot of at the polling station for the oregon primaries last week. I let my nation down and I had voted for Obama so I had also let Hilary down even though it didn't really count since I didn't actually vote for Obama because I let my nation down by not sending my ballot in. I've said it before but it bears repeating. Democracy totally stresses me out! I like it when my dreams are so easy to analyze, however. Except for the hotdogs part. Oh wait, I know what that means too.

Cause at least I know I'm free

And I'll proudly stand UP!

Do you know that song? I'm proud to be an american. I was just singing it because I have a funny secret. Sometimes I think it is totally great and endlessly amusing that I have diabetes. This morning I woke up and got out of bed and then sat on my couch, which is my favorite thing to do especially on a sunday morning. But there was a needle on my couch. And I remember all the times I was kind of embarrassed when someone would be visiting and there would just be needles around or streaks of blood near my computer at work because I tested my blood sugar and didn't wait for my finger to stop bleeding before I went back to work. But I'll tell you something. I'm not always embarrassed. Sometimes I think it is totally badass and it rocks and it rules and it automatically makes me feel tuff and better than other people.

I love myself!

Anyway, my aunty made me write something by making me feel guilty. And angelina made me feel guilty and other people who left comments about not reading anything on my blog. Whatever, all you bitches and hos.

I saw Iron Man yesterday. I liked it a lot but I have to tell you it wasn't as great as I had been led to believe that it would be. For instance, Transformers last summer was better. But it was pretty good. And any kind of America where Robert Downey Jr. plays a superhero is one that I am proud to a citizen of. And I'll proudly stand UP.

I'm tired. 7:30 in the morning is too early to write a blog.

Here are the things I have to say, hey hey.

I put up a boooootload of pictures from my grandmother's 90th birthday celebration and the preperation of said celebration. They are on my flickr page:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/diapantsies/

It was a heap of fun.

Right now I am watching a very serious program called "Nazi Scrapbooks From Hell" If I knew that all those scrapbooking parties I've been invited to over the years could be THIS fun I would have joined one a long time ago.

My new job is great and I love it but it does not give me very much time or leave me with very much energy to write. This will hopefully change as I get better. Wearing important business lady clothes and heals every day, working long hours, thinking ALL DAY LONG, and then trying to go for walks after work, all of these things leave me dead by the end of the day and usually asleep on my couch before I can even enjoy my favorite television programs that I can now watch because I don't work evenings anymore.

Everything is fine right now though. Don't worry about me, sweetcheeks.

Disco Dancing

Everybody Loves Disco Dancing

P.S.

I.O.U. One big long-ass blog post. I took another job. I am a fancy business lady. I'm too busy for blogs. I wear high heals and suits. Well, I might at least. I'm very important. You'll need to take that into consideration .

BIRTHDAYS - FUCK!

Happy birthday yesterday to dirty thirty squirty squirty thunder-ants Marigold who is SO OLD!

Here we are earlier this month as BFF's with some rotten kid that kept getting in my way:



And Happy Birthday today to my Oldest of Old Old brothers!



Myles, you are SOOOOOO OLD. You disgust me. Toilet fucker.

My life and times have been totally butchered and poisoned with arsenic by old-timey serial killers, including women.

I read every single wikipedia page about female serial killers. There were some doooozies. I guess the ladies like arsenic best for the killing. Does the job. Gets the job done. And how.

I don't think this fleeting fascination is indicative of anything. But they always say that.

I've been playing Civilization IV again. A Lot.

I'm reading a good book. That's why I started reading about female serial killers. It is called Devil in the White City and it is about H.H. Holmes and the Chicago World's Fair and other things. I recommend it.

Easter was Eastery.

Jesus rose from the dead.

My brother's birthday is the day after tomorrow and Marigold's is tomorrow. I haven't done anything for either of them.

My parent's neighbor Wayne Fiorucci died. Unexpectedly and too young. They went to his funeral this morning.

My grandma's knee is blown up like a melon and she has to have all sorts of medical things done to her. But she still doesn't have diabetes so I'm not quite sure what she has, truly, to complain about so much. Jesus.

I am cold and distant.

The back of a retard? Or not? A MYSTERY

Today at hospital job I was walking behind a slow sort of waddling white haired man down by the cafeteria. I thought maybe he was a retard. He had the build. He was lumbering. He had a square head. He was disheveled. His pants were too short. He had on retard shoes. They were all black tennis shoes with thick soles like the ones that a worker at McDonald's might wear. A retarded McDonald's worker. He had a big plastic bag of food that had two 20 oz Diet Dr Peppers and a bunch of other crap in it. I thought, "That kind of looks like the food a retard would choose." But then I had to wonder. Diet? I mean, Diet Dr. Pepper does taste a lot like regular Dr. Pepper but I found it perplexing that a retard might buy Diet. He was portly and squat and so the diet choice was warranted. For some reason I have an idea of retarded people, especially men, as being gluttonous. Or at least unashamed of being seen in public with a bunch of crappy food if they are overweight.

I never got a look at his face so we'll never know. Maybe retards do like Diet Dr. Pepper. Maybe he was just a normal old man who happened to look a little retarded from the back. IT IS A MYSTERY FOR THE AGES.

His neck was definitely down-syndromy. And his jowels. From the back, at least. This will keep me up tonight.

I feel happy today.

BEWARE

BEWAREBEWAREBEWARE BEWAREB BEWARE BEWARE
BEWARE E E E E
BEWARE W W W W
BEWARE A A AWARE A
BEWARE R R R R
BEWARE E E E E
BEWAREBEWAREBEWARE BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE

Happy birthday tomorrow, popso.

Today I watched a movie about Sylvia Plath. It reminded about how much my daddy was like hers:

I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You--

Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

Just kidding, America.

(but my dad really is a Nazi and I really am a Jew)

Maybe good news.

http://www.dlife.com/diabetes-news/2008/03/mgh_initiates_phase_i_diabetes.html

Normally I don't get excited about this stuff. Most type 1 diabetics who've been diabetic for many years learn at some point that thinking about a cure in your lifetime doesn't really help with your day to day management. If you just accept that this is the way that your life is then I think it is easier to accept that you have to do all the shit you have to do. Every so often some news of a cure comes out. This one actually seems promising.

A certain number, like a big number, of reasons why Tao Lin is a Piece of Shit. Like a big fat Turd. Toilet droppings.

http://reader-of-depressing-books.blogspot.com/2008/03/promote-my-career-for-me.html

Promote my career for me, I'm a big fat douche bag.

Reason #Most Important: Asian. Gaysian, more likely. Asian Asian Asian. My sister recently confided in me and said that she is racist against Asians. We figured out that she is mostly just racist against the Chinese. Blech.

Extra reasons, as if you needed any:

2. Vegan or something. And TALKS about it. Incesssssantly. Ugh.

3. Sucks.

4. Is a Maniac.

I've only read his blog and his book EEEEEEEEEeeeeeee EEeeeeeEEEeee EeeeeEEEe. I read it for a creative writing class. It was forced upon me like I was being sexually abused by an Asian Vegan. It was okay. I liked the animals and the pizza delivery systems. This is what I wrote about it at the time in a response for my stupid teacher and his stupid class:

I Am Responding to Eeeee Eee Eeee. I had to count the e's. I don't know if that is important or not. I have become a little bit obsessed with Tao Lin since you made us read this book. I now read his blog all the time and I even started to read your blog after I read parts of his blog because his blog links to your blog. I've also started to read other blogs that I didn't before. I even started to comment on Tao Lin's blog and read interviews with Tao Lin, which is way further than I'd intended to go. I don't really think I'd like him much as a person because I don't really like earnest people. I think he would be offended too, if I called him earnest. But I get the heebie jeebies when I read earnest things or think about writing earnest things.

What kind of world is this that it now makes a difference whether or not I would like an author as a person? I don't know if we are better off now or worse off now that a lot of authors have blogs. I guess if they just blog fiction and don't blog about stuff they did or do then it isn't really any different but when they tell me about their wives or boyfriends or menstruation or eating habits then I'm forced to consider whether or not I like them or not. I have to say this might change my opinion about whether or not it is good to read extra stuff about authors to better understand their work. I always liked to before. Maybe now, that it has become so easy and so accessible, either with personal blogs or wikipedia or books by ex-wives like the one Charles Schulz's wife just put out, maybe now I should try to stop that habit or at least not take it so far.

About Eeeee Eee Eeee though, I liked it. I thought it was repetitive but in a difficult kind of rewarding way, not in an annoying way but rather like a joke that is repeated three times. You cross a line and then you keep crossing it until it is funny again. Mostly that's how I felt about Eeeee Eee Eeee. Although just typing that title right now for the third time wasn't funny. It was kind of hard. No one would write a long essay about Tao Lin and his novel if they had to type Eeeee Eee Eeee over and over again, especially if they had to underline or italicize it each time too. That would stop a lot of would be explicators.

I want to talk a little bit about the bear. The whole book reminded me of the movie Donnie Darko. This is a great movie but it is the quintessential emo type of movie and I mean that in a derisive way. For example, when I read a blurb on a book called "Miss Misery" in the SOU bookstore that said, "This is the emo Fight Club," I thought, "that is ridiculous." But I love the movie Donnie Darko despite its quintessential emo-ness. He has sort of imaginary things that he talks to, specifically that skeleton bunny man thing and also he has some weird thing come out of his stomach that tells him what to do or represents predetermination or something and it looks like the bad terminator in Terminator 2 or 3, I forget which one. So I think this bear, and the dolphins and stuff are just kind of like the bunny skeleton man named Frank. I read that Frank is aware of the future and destiny of Donnie Darko. Perhaps the bear and the dolphins and hamsters are like totems and guides.

Perhaps the bear is to Andrew what Russia was to the United States in 1984 like Ronald Reagan's ad "There is a bear in the woods. For some people the bear is easy to see. Others don't see it at all. Some people say the bear is tame. Others say it's vicious and dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who is right, isn't it smart to be as strong as the bear? If there is a bear...."

I think I am right about everything.

So fuck off. I do like assignments though. I wish people would give me more assignments.

The News. Nudes? News.

I got a new job. Wooooooooo hooooooooo. I think it is going to be pretty sweet, dudes. I get paid more, I get more hours and I work regular hours. I think I'm gonna like it, queers.

I don't care about Bret Favre. I thought he died of football 8 years ago.

I don't care about Marion Jones going to jail. If I was her cellmate, however, I'd say "Not much room to run away in here, is there, bitch?" And then I'd ask her if she'd like to play some cribbage or gab about boys.

I like the new Russian puppresident's name. I said it aloud in my care probably, oh I don't know, 15 times today.

I think I'm really going to like Hulu.com. For instance, you can watch all the Arrested Development episodes forever and ever. I watched this just now: http://www.hulu.com/watch/589/arrested-development-pilot. You do have to watch commercials but at least I didn't spend a million dollars buying the DVDs. There are a shit load of shows to watch too. So go to town, mindless droves.

I got a new job.

I forgot my picture camera thingy pluggy wugg so no new pictures yet.

Tomorrow, most likely as not.

Or not.

Don't harsh my buzz so much.

Tomorrow I have to go to Cancer School. We're learning how to take care of the cancer we're going to get. And there's going to be a guest speaker.

Patrick Swayze.

Guest Post, Scratching Post, "The Post," Post Cereal, Post Haste, aPOSTle, Puss

I won a contest and now I have a guest post on the blog of this dirty Englishman supposedly named "Frank Morgan."

You can read it here:

http://frankmorgan.blogspot.com/

Also, I added a link to his blog on my Snossage Slinks so that you can keep up with him and make him feel better about his sad and pathetic existence.

Do they still make Sucrets? Secrets.

The secret was that I was going to surprise some of my friends while I am still stuck down here in California, USA. And I did! And it was good. I shocked the shit out of their assholes like so many shit-shocked kids at a water slide park. I shocked the shit out of their assholes like Huckleberry in Steve and Marigold's bed this morning. Suffice to say, I murdered each of them, in cold blood, and then ate all their food at the barbecue they were having. And then I leisurely read a magazine. There was a fluff piece about how great that fuck William F. Buckley was. News Flash! Just because someone was charming and smart doesn't make him some kind of great dude when he was just a big fat conservative douche-nozzle. News Flash ended.



I've had the best time ever during this trip. I've loved, I've laughed, I've come close to death, I've realized the power of my eternal spirit, I've gotten some good deals on merchandise, I've rolled with the punches, I've punched the homeless, I've been sodomized, I've sodomized. A very well rounded trip. Tomorrow I make the long trek home to Oregon and damned if I can't wait to sit around in my own filth, sleep all day, get nowhere, and continue down a path of absolute and terrifying blandness. Viva Inertia!



Soon there will be multitudinous photos up on my flickr page. Until then, enjoy this, jock-itch;

Binary-Canary-Bicameral-Braceyourself.

01001001001000000111011101101111011011100010000001100001001000000110001101101111011011100111010001100101011100110111010000100000011101000110111101100100011000010111100100101110001000000010000001001001001000000110000101101100011100110110111100100000011010000110000101110110011001010010000001100001001000000110001001101001011001110010000001110011011001010110001101110010011001010111010000101110001000000010000001001001011101000010000001110111011010010110110001101100001000000110001001100101001000000111001001100101011101100110010101100001011011000110010101100100001000000111010001101111001000000110001101100101011100100111010001100001011010010110111000100000011100000110000101110010011101000110100101100101011100110010000001110100011011110110110101101111011100100111001001101111011101110010111000100000001000000100000100100000011100000110010101110010011100110110111101101110001000000110111101110010001000000111010001110111011011110010000001110111011010010110110001101100001000000110001101110010011000010111000000100000011101000110100001100101011010010111001000100000011100000110000101101110011101000111001100101110

Who the Mother-Cock is KK Downey?

I am in love with a movie. I am in love with a movie. I am in love with a movie. Go Canananananananada!

Who is KK Downey?



I saw this movie tonight. It totally ruled. I got to ask a question. I got to take a picture of a couple of the actors/director/writer type people. I think they are the new big thing and attention should be paid.

Attention should be paid.

If you are in the San Jose area or even in the vicinity, go see one of the other screenings of this film on Saturday at 7:15 or Sunday at 3pm. In fact, if you go on Saturday and if you hate it after 30 minutes you can go see my brother-in-law's film Around the Bay at 7:45. Either way, you win!

Here is more info on the film festival if you want details.

http://cinequest.org/indexCQ.php

K.K. Downey could turn into the seminal satire of the aughts. We are all such hipster douchebags. It has only taken until 2008 to really get a good perspective on this douchebaggery. And it probably had to come from Canada.

Thanks for the good times, young Canadian filmmakers.

Backwards Itinerary

Today:

write something in my blog
surf the internet looking at nothing for 2 hours
pay very little attention to some t.v.
google talk with Justin
google talk with Marigold
get lost driving around
go see a movie called "Three Priests" (http://www.gumspirits.com/threepriests.html)and be pretty amazed. Olivia Hussey is the beautifullest. Michael Parks is better than Tommy Lee Jones. Or anybody else. Ever Good stuff
Get hopped up on goofballs
park in a big garage
play with children
eat scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast
play with children
sleep comfortably on sister's couch

Yesterday:
look at stuff on the internet for a while
vaguely watch television
speak with Bro-in-law
play with children
eat a sandwich
talk to parents
play with children
Watch a great documentary called Sputnik Mania (http://www.sputnikmania.com/) Be amazed by history and Eisenhower. I like Ike. I like Ruskies. I like sputnik. I like documentaries.
I hate killing poor Innocent doggy doggs by sending them out in space with no oxygen.
Rest
Go to a baby baby Asher's 1st birthday party at Chuck E. Cheeses. Play my favorite basketball shooting game and win lots of tickets. Beat my dad twice at basketball shooting game, my sister once, my mother once and my brother-in-law once. Eat cake. Get ass handed to myself by basketball playing father of babypartygoer. 57 points to 44 points. Take lots of pictures. Rock and Roll.
Go to Santana Row with Father. Chit chat, eat fruit salad/madeline. By pure chance run into Brother-in-law and friend, Ali Allie (My new best friend next to my other new best friend Sammie), go to Borders and Anthropologie.
Take a shower.
Email people.
Wake up.

The Day Before Yesterday:
Come home very late at night and sleep for a few too short hours.
Hang out at sister's house with brother in law and alli allie having long discussions about very important topics and making fun of movies.
Go to after party for Tenacious D documentary called D Tour (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D_Tour:_A_Tenacious_Documentary) Get High Fived by Kyle Gass. Totally shit my pants. Rock and Roll the night away.
Go see D Tour. Get totally rocked. Have strong feelings. Be happy. Glow. Ask Kyle Gass a question at the Q&A. Feel awesome.
Wait in line to see D Tour.

I can't remember what happened after that exactly except that we saw a really bad movie called El Camino that I HATED and we hung out with Sammie Samuelson (that is her real name) and we probably ate at some point. And on Saturday night was the world premier of my Brother-in law's film Around the Bay (http://www.aroundthebaymovie.com/) which I really really liked. There was a great after party for that and I got to meet the actors who were really neat and drink white wine and go to the after after party at the fancy hotel. It was TOTALLY AWESOME, dudes. It rewled. It was more splendid than words can say. And I've met really nice people like Sammie and her wonderful husband Michael and Ali and my sister's in-laws and some of my sister's coworkers and a very nice and funny lady also named Amanda and I can't remember who else. And I've been playing with my wonderful wee darling little niece and wee darling little nephew and there is nothing better than that in the world.

Also, you are most likely contracting a VD right now.

OH, and double P.S. pictures are on my flickr. http://www.flickr.com/photos/diapantsies

Chuck E. Cheeeeeeses is the tops.

Now go abuse yourself.

I met Cliff Claven and you fucking suck

So I am way better than you.

Yesterday I drove all the way to San Jose.

Yeah, I do know the way, fucktard.

Then I saw some movies at this film festival. I saw a Japanese (japanoodle Will Evans would like it) silent film called "I was born, but..." The title makes no sense to me. I've tried to understand it by looking things up but it makes no sense.

These two boys were really funny and it was a lot of fun to watch.

Here is a weird site that talks about the film

http://www.ozuyasujiro.com/resources/90thanniv/90thanniv.htm#iwasbornbut

Then I saw a movie from Belgium that was in Flemish called A Perfect Match. It was delightful. The main actor is some sort of "monument" in Belgium. (The director did a Q&A afterwards and was referring to him as a monument but none of us stupid Americans had any idea of who he was) I'd never seen him but he was great. He reminded me of Albert Finney or Brian Cox. It was good. Here is a site about it.

http://manzktvrouw.belbone.be/home.php

Good luck with that. I think it is written in Flemish. Here is the main actor, Jan Decleir's, wikipedia page:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Decleir

And the highlight of the day, if not the trip, if not MY ENTIRE LIFE was this:

Yes.

As in, "Excuse me, Mr. Ratzenberger, but I'm a big fan and was hoping to get a picture of you."

as in, "Sure, in fact, why don't we get someone to take a picture of both us."

as in, "Why, here is a funny Asian man in a brown tuxedo and sparkles and fancy shoes with spats who has been greeting people in front of the door to the movie theater for the festival. Perhaps he will take our picture."

as in, "Let me put my arm around you, sweet cakes. Candy Ass"

as in ,"Alrighty, Mr. Ratzenberger. Here's my number. My phone number and my room number."

as in, "You are a bad girl."

as in, "That's right Cliff Claven. Or should I call you Cliff Craven."

as in, "You can call me NORM!"

as in,, "I will. I will."


You really shouldn't be so jealous of me all the time.

Harbinger, wallbanger. I hardly know her.

So here is a quick rundown of events.

I've been good, thanks for asking. I've not blogged for like 6 days or something. I'm not dead. I have an alive body. It is functioning. I'm fine, thanks. Get off my back. I'm going on a trip tomorrow. It is going to be rad. It is going to be to San Jose to see my fambily and my brother-in-law and sister have their movie in this Film Festival. It is in San Jose. Here is a link to it. If you are in the Bay Area you should go see it. It rules, I'm guessing.

http://www.cinequest.org/indexCQ.php

Also, I am going to hold a competition. The competition starts now. It will be like the 7th caller competitions on radio shows. Instead of calls, however, the competetion will be for commentors. I was invited to my first same-sex marriage wedding nutpials to take place in Tacoma Washington on July 7th. This is an important day. Not only is it Ringo Star's birthday but it is also the day after the president's birthday and the day after my birthday (I have the same birthday as George W. Bush. I know, right?) This is my 30th birthday. the big 30. I love weddings but I'm mad that I go to all the weddings I've gone to in the last few years SOLO. I need a date to the wedding. If you are the 7th commentor on this post you have the first shot at being my date to the wedding. It is a lesbo wedding, not a man on man wedding if that makes a difference too you. Also, if we are not related we get to make out at the wedding if you're up for it. If we are related and you win the contest we will not make out because I will not stand for incestual faggotry or any other types of incestuals.

Good luck to each of you.*

Oh, and here's a google chat transcript between me and Bishop Desmond Tutu.

me: Guess what is on T.V. tonight?
America's funniest homo videos.
OH MY GOD.
I JUST INVENTED SOMETHING
AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOMO VIDEOS!
I SHOULD BLOG ABOUT THIS.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: STOP YELLING AT ME
me: STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
Hey, guess what?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: no
you just tell me
me: oh kay
Lost is on tonight
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you're pregnant!
Oh, shit!
me: yes, pregnant with pauses.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It IS thusday!
me: IS
STOP YULLING AT ME.
YELLOW
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I forgot!
I remembered this morning
then forgot until just a second ago
me: you have a just a second long memory scan
Bishop Desmond Tutu: JAPPO
me: JAPPO-NOODLE SOUP
japa
japanoodle
Bishop Desmond Tutu: PREGGO JAPPO NOODLE SOUP
I suggested some names for the voutouvans baby
me: how much is one half of one quarter japanoodle?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stavros Kikkoman
me: Japanoodle
lol
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Sushi Falafel
and
Hiro Gyro
me: John Stamos Pat Morita.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: You should suggest that one
me: I WILL
angelina thinks your hair in the sink was gross on your blog
I told her to shut her trap
shut her dirty dick-hole
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Did you slap her in the vagina?
me: yes
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Good
me: well, it was less a slap and more a tickle
speaking of lesbos
Bishop Desmond Tutu: the isle of lesbos
me: do you want to go to a lesbo wedding with me in Tacoma Washington?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Becky?
me: On the day after my 30th birthday?
YES!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The Beckster?
me: The very one.
the one and the same.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Would we have to pretend to be a lesbo couple?
me: "pretend"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: And I was artifically inseminated?
me: "artificially"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: And we have two sons who we are raising gaywad
me: "sons"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, I suppose you inseminated me with someone else's semen
me: with a turkey gobble.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I saw that on a baby story once
me: I saw it too.
on a baby story.
When are you having your new baby?
the good one.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: You are pregnant!
Only preggos watch a baby story
me: NOT TRUE
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The day after your birthday
me: woo hooo!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: June 11
me: in Jew-lie
Bishop Desmond Tutu: your new birthday is June 10
me: that isn't my birthday
oh
good
I always wanted to be a gemini
my aunt's is june 12th
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The day you were re-born into Jesus's loving arms
me: born again
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I'm actually working on Cory energyface's wedding invuations right now
me: isn't he already married?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: they say "Cory 'n" Natalie 4 EVA
me: I"m thinking of that other one.
the retard.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Courtney
He's having a baby
me: OH MY GOD, YOU SHOULD GET A SCREEN CAPTURE PICTURE OF THAT MOVIE WITH MARKY MARK AND JUNE ALISON I MEAN REESE WITHERSPOON
YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE I MEAN?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Boogie nights
me: no
Bishop Desmond Tutu: legally blonde
me: 4 EVA carved into his chest movie
Bishop Desmond Tutu: II
me: f
started with an F
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Footloose
me: fuck
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Finnigan;s Wake
Flap Happy JAPPY
me: FEAR
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Fargo
me: It was called Fear
Bishop Desmond Tutu: That is dumb
with a silent b
me: and Marky Mark and the funny bunch carved 4 EVA into his chest.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: 'Uhhhh
awkward
me: yeah
what was awkward
I thought you were typing something
I was waiting for you.
you are awkward
Bishop Desmond Tutu: actually, I was doing stuff and ignoring you
me: you are an awkward teenage boy
with a penis
Bishop Desmond Tutu: that's not true
it's a lie
you are a lyinh liar
wow
lyinh
i must've been pretty upset
me: lyinh I'm dyin
oh my god, guess what?
I'll tell you
I'm going down to San Jose Tomorrow
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you're pregnant!
me: to visit my sister
Bishop Desmond Tutu: to get pregnant!
me: and her rabies
and I'm PREGNANT
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I knew it!
Isn't there a song about going to San Jose?
Do you know the way to San Jose?
doot doot soo soo soot soo soot
me: yes
everyone keeps singing that too me all day long
a hundred times
jesus
fucking
christ
almight
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Do you sing that song the whole way?
me: on
a stick
yes
I do
I sing it and then when I get there
I sing "Iiiiiii know the way to san jose
or I have found a way to san jose.
or Geesus San Jose is Really Gay
Bishop Desmond Tutu: What else is there to say about sanjose besides the song?
You should find some other allusion
me: well, there is teh san jose film festival
where I'm going to watch my bro-in-laws film
on 3/1
so there's that
Bishop Desmond Tutu: That ain't much
me: you ain't much
Bishop Desmond Tutu: did your sister hate steve's poster?
me: did he make a poster?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: she never responded to him on it at all
me: I knever knew
Bishop Desmond Tutu: he did
me: did he really?
that fucking cunt bag!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: and she never said a word
me: I'll give her a peice of my mind
piece
peace out
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I always said that about her
me: you did
you were always right about her.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: i can smell her cunt from here
me: hers and jodie fosters.
jodi?
jody?
I don't know
Bishop Desmond Tutu: is sh from san jose too?
me: no but that guy in the jail cell told her that in Silence of the Lambs.
that he could smell her cunt
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Clarissssse
me: and then hannibal lector said that he could not.
clariiiiiiiiissssse.
and then that guy flung his jiz at her.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hey
me: hey now
Bishop Desmond Tutu: hey
hey
me: HEY NOW
Bishop Desmond Tutu: whoa
me: wait a second
Bishop Desmond Tutu: hold on
me: now
Bishop Desmond Tutu: stop
me: quitit
you stop
Bishop Desmond Tutu: that's enough
me: that's quite enough of that, mister.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I was going to say
me: hey
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you should name our baby
me: OKAY
!!!!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I don't really give a shit any more
me: HOW ABOUT AMANDAROSEMURPHY HASKESACK.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Veto
me: how about just sack haske.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Excellente
Just Sack Haske it is
after Justin
me: yes!
why after justin
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Just
me: do you know something I don't
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Just sack
me: oh Just
Justice
Just Sack Haske.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: After Justin's ballsack
me: After Justin's ballsack does what?
just kiddng
lololollllolllllllol
Bishop Desmond Tutu: rotfl
me: fucking
Bishop Desmond Tutu: rotflmao
That takes me a long time to type
me: frollicing under cocks kissing in negro goo.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I have to think about each letter
me: mee too
meeeee double that, fo sho
oh my god, guess what?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Jesus
me: yes
Bishop Desmond Tutu: what now?
me: I had an interview today
I WORE A SKIRT!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Did you screw it up?
me: AND A BRIGHT YELLOW SWEATER!
I screwed something.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Did you send a thank you note immediately afterwards?
me: oh shit
I better do that.
I never do that.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Really?
me: really
maybe that's why I never get any blowjobs
angelina is going to lunch
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It always surprises me that people never do.
It says to on all the websites and books
Lunch?
Kinda late for lunch, Angelina
me: I know but seriously, either they like you and they give you a job or they don't like you and screw them, right?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Nope
me: we call our dinner break, "Lunch"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I think that's how steve got his job
he sent an e-mail with some ideas he had for bikes right after the interview
seemed excited about it
me: did he actually mean dykes?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Why don'y you call it dinner
me: was it a typo?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Steve says he misses me
me: what a gaywad.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I think he wants me to make him "lunch"
me: steve says he hits me.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: which means "give me a b.j."
He wants to know if you're bi-curious
me: which in turn means balogny jamwhich.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: like bi-curious george
me: totally bi-curious. I love bicycle.s
I'm very curious about bicycles.
like how do they work?
where do they get their power?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: oil
me: Steve designs bikes for a living
in case you needed to know that.
Steve is your husband
Steve has a bad case of growths.
I guess I'll let you go back to the blow jobs and the french maid outfits.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Your thing should say
Mandy Murphy IS SO SMURFY
me: YOU ARE SO RIGHT
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It rhymes much better
me: DONE
finito
Bishop Desmond Tutu: DONE
me: people would often call me Murphette
in school
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I am also done
with you
because you whored it up
me: i would sneak in at night and rape their mothers with my prosthesis.
oh kay!
bye!
Bi!
curious
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Bye!
t
me: forever
Bishop Desmond Tutu: me
me: me
me
me
me
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you
me: me
me
me
you
and you
me and you 4 eva
Bishop Desmond Tutu: nope
bye
me: bye
can I post this in my blog?
you can't stop me
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Give me a psydonym
me: okay
what do you want it to be
Bishop Desmond Tutu: "Marifold"
me: Marifold Faske,
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Perfect
me: Marifold Perfect
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I still think you should do it as a radio play on your imaginary pocast, though
bye
me: bye

*In order to win the contest you have to read this whole gmail chat and give me the question, jeopardy style, that goes to this answer:

The answer is Will and Johanna's 1/2 of one quarter japanese and 3/4 Greek baby, aka John Stamos Pat Morita, aka 1/8 japanoodle gyro soup.

The Three Es

Enemas and Interviews.

The Three Ms:

Money, Cars, and Women.

WrongoWrongo

Hi everybody.

I need you to work on deciphering the language above. It is RongoRongo and no one has been able to decipher it yet. Thanks for your help.

The picture reminds me of when kids draw with chalk on the sidewalk. This is bad and defacing of property and vandalism and those kids should be punished punished because it is wrongowrongo. My name is little Bongo. I sing my little songo. Whenever I get called upon the teacher says I'm wrongo.

Well, tomorrow I'm going to Yrethra Franklin to hang out with the 'rents, do some laundry, steal some of their stuff like a coffee table and unload some crap like two chairs my mom has been making me carry around in my trunk for 40 days and 40 nights like Noah and the ark only instead of all the animals two by two it is just two chairs and as far as I can tell they have not been having any sort of chair intercourse to ensure their survival and to procreate their line throughout the rest of thyme. They are very stupid medical office chairs and I don't know why my mother wants them. My grandmother got them from her office that closed recently. She will turn 90 years old in April and she only just stopped working because the office she worked at closed.

If there are any messages you want me to pass on to my parents in Yrethra Franklin, please let me know. I never have anything to tell them of interest.

Lost is on tomorrow night and I'm going to watch the fuck out of it. I am going to watch until the cows come home. Until the hens come home to roost. Until the end of thyme.

I am reading a book about Easter Island that Mormon Mackenzie gave me at work. It is pretty interesting. My mom was telling me this morning via the telephone that she has been spending a lot of time learning about Henry II on wikipedia because she just finished a long book of historical fiction the centered on this Henry II. This made me think to myself, "I'd better read all about Easter Island on wikipeda post haste." And so I have and now I am the resident expert. And now you will be too once you decipher the glyphs. Get on that.

I chose a STRONG password, I do not share my password, I gave my password some thought and I didn't make it obvious. It is a STRONG password.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Door Hinge

Nothing rhymes with Door Hinge

I did my taxes.

I faxed some faxes.

Proxies

I blew some saxes.

I chopped some axes.

Taxis

I ate some snackses

I took some flackses

Texas

I did my taxes.

Texas is going to murder someone today. I bet.

In Oregon, where I live, we only murder people who want to be murdered.

In Oregon, where I live, we are all organ donors.

I finished the book I was reading. This is the first book I've finished reading since November. I've had a hard time concentrating but now I'm feeling better (in my mind hole).

It was a crappy book. There were no dragons or lasers but there were wizards so, same difference. A teacher once wrote on my paper "Dragons and Lasers R Dumb."

I should get him fired. I should get all my former teachers fired. And the reasons are obvious. I still don't know the difference between it's and its. My first teacher's name I forgot. She was my first preschool teacher. My second teacher's name I remember. It was Mrs. Bailey and we called her Mrs. B. Later I knew her eldest son in high school and he was a big fat dick. I think she had dimples. And hair like Princess Diana's when she got married. That was a popular style for young blond mothers in the early 1980s. I remember all my other teachers from then on except for some probably in college whose names I forgot but who I would remember easily if I referenced my transcripts, which I happen to have copies of right here with me now. They were all assholes.

My dad was my teacher once. For a whole year I think or at least two trimesters in my junior year. We had trimesters because there was such a problem with teenage pregnancy at my school. That was made up. We had trimesters because some douche thought it was some kind of a good idea. We used to say "This tri" for short or "Next tri" Like as in, "Next tri I'm taking algebra II and analysis at the same time so that I can take calculus my senior year." I didn't take calculus my senior year. I never took calculus. I didn't take any math my whole senior year because I didn't have to. Am I missing out? Would I be better if I'd taken calculus? God, what have I done. I never took physics either. I am a monster.

Mostly the best part about highschool was that every classroom had a t.v. in it and I could watch quantum leap at lunch time by myself in my dad's classroom and he would only sometimes bother me or tell me I was going to get in trouble if I didn't go to the assembly or something. But then he would always write me a note to give to Mr. Callison in the office if I was late or missed class and he made me student of the month. I like the episode where Sam ended up in his own past and he played "Imagine" for his sister on the guitar and told her that John Lennon was going to be killed but that he would write that song before he died and she cried and cried like a fucking baby. And he was all like "Oh boy."

Chachi Wachi Boy

My brother's dog Chachi is the best dog in the world.

Steve "Stephen" Haske Turns 31 Years Old Today.

Dear Steve,

When I met you in 1996 you looked like this.

Remember how you had that dumb cancer leg girlfriend who had cancer in her leg and walked funny? Yeah. That was lame. Also lame was when you decided never to cut your hair and try to become a dirty humboldt hippy but then you just looked like a girl.

Remember how you cut your hair finally or your mom finally did? But you still wore really ugly sweaters all the time and big white tennis shoes? You probably still wear big white tennis shoes.

And then you broke up with that cancer leg girl or she dumped you, I don't remember. But remember how you dated that cock-eyed girl for a while? Like a week or something? And her one eye went all over the place? And you never knew if she was looking at you or not? Anyway, then you met and married Marigold and things were really looking up for you for a long time even though you really always wanted to marry your mom and even though Marigold is so gay.

For instance, there she is above fondling an imaginary woman's breasts. Honk Honk, Marigold!And below here she is checking out my sweet sweet candy-ass.

Anyway, we've had some good times but mostly really bad times. Like when I had to sit next to you and this pregnant chick at that wedding. That was really bad.

And this time you tried to eat my face off and I had to kick you hard in the nuts.

Even still when you think of when I kicked you in the nuts you make faces and body poses like this one.

And even though I kicked you hard in the nuts you managed to knock up Marigold twice and at least once you had a baby who you named Fuckleberry and who might not turn out as retarded as you are as long as you take the necessary precautions.

Good Job Steve!

You remember that one time

when I told you all about that big snow storm we had? It was about two or three weeks ago. Anyway, this is a picture of what the view from my front door looked like before the big snow storm.

and this is what it looked like after the big snow storm.

So yeah, we had a lot of snow. I finally uploaded a bunch of other pictures to my flickr page.

Here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/diapantsies/

Vagina Soliloquies.

My vagina delivered an address to the nation from atop my balcony. It cried "Don't weep for me, Americaland." (Americaland is the town I live in)

Today I wore a pink shirt with butterflies on it and a pink sweater and pink shoelaces and a pink bra that I put on likea grownup and I had a nasty case of pink eye and I read Sam Pink's blog probably but I don't think he wrote anything new and I ate a heart shaped pink frosted sugar cookie and I didn't tip any waitresses in honor of Mr. Pink and took a brisk walk around the hospital until my cheeks were pink because it was still daytime at 5:30. I love it that it is still daytime at 5:30. Daytime, Daytime! Chainsaws.

I burned all my pink breast cancer awareness ribbons though. Women should just lop off their breasts. That would cure breast cancer forever and also it would make me feel very superior with my un-lopped breasts. Very superior indeed. I would have more vaginatown cards and roses and chocolates than I would know what to do with. And secret admirerers golore. Chainsaws.

Long story short, I hope you had a nice V-town day and I hope you got to really get up into that V. If you know what I mean. Chainsaws.

Viva Americaland!

This wasn't what I wanted to type.

Scott Bakula

Scott Bakula I think played a doctor on Quantum Leap. I'm just assuming he was a doctor. If not, I'm sure MIT has given him an honorary doctorate probably the same day they gave one to Leonard Nemoy, that fat fuck. Anyway, as you can see by the following geometry proof, Scott Bakula is Dracula.

First you have to write out Dr. Bakula.
Then you have to remove the . and the B.
And then you have Dr akula.
Then you have to remove the three spaces.
Then you have Drakula.

I think it is pretty clear now.

Am I saying that Scott Bakula is a vampire? Am I saying that outloud right now? No, that would be slander. I am writing it. This is libel. This is an important lesson for you to learn about the difference between slander and libel. Here is a video that explains this in a much more emotionally charged way.

Either way, I don't think that this in anyway defames Scott Bakula. On the contrary, I believe that people thinking he is a vampire is just the thing his career needs right now.

Today is not February 12th. It is February 11, 2007

Angelina said tonight "The Line is Blurred!" in regards to my last blog post because she doesn't know what is real and what is fiction. All of it was true and really happened to me. Oh and here is another guy's version who actually did a literarily-like "shout-out" to my night owl version. Oh how I loathe the internet.

Frank Morgan's 'Night Owl.'

Here is last years post.
February 11, 2007
Podcasts

If I was a crazy person, I would just memorize the current year and the current president and then go about my business. No one seems to ever need to know more than that.

I recommend, if you are inclined, getting NPR and IPR podcasts like This American Life and Fresh Air. I feel so free that I am able to listen to these things any time I want.

I think I could live in my car for quite a while. The hospital where I work has a shower. But where to park? Do you park in the same place every night? Or do you drive around and find 4 or 5 places to rotate too and from?

I had interesting dreams last night.

I would park near the hospital I think. But then ambulances might wake me up. That would be annoying. And do you just have to have battery powered everything? Alarm Clock, etc. I would try to find and steal travel sized things like you find in motels.

I have never had a garbage disposal. I wouldn't miss that.

P.S. Do you like my new picture? I do.

P.P.S I almost forgot!!! The other night Charlie Rose had Ted Kennedy on his program. I think I've mentioned before that I love the Charlie Rose Program and that I love Charlie Rose. If you've never seen his show before you really need to. It is on PBS. Here it plays at 11pm and 11:30am every day except saturday and sunday. But anywho, Ted Kennedy said something to the effect of "The Budget is a moral document that shows what the nation's priorities are." Or something like that. That isn't an exact quote but it is very close. I just thought this was a great quote and I think he might have gotten it from somewhere else. But I don't know.

Posted by apants at 7:39 PM



7 comments:
marbledog said...
What if you have to pee in the middle of the night?

7:59 PM
apants said...
I never have to pee in the middle of the night. And I suppose I would park near a bathroom.

8:07 PM
zolita said...
Never have to pee in the middle of the night. Braggart. Every 45 gol durn minits. Goldurnit. My spouse could give you lots of advice about living in your car. He had a few spots he rotated around, I believe. And had a gym membership where he showered. If you did that you wouldn't need shampoo and stuff because they have it at the ready.

4:48 PM
apants said...
I was thinking that it might be a fun experiment. To try it for, say, a week or so. Or permanently because I hate Myles and I'm moving out by the end of this month.

4:56 PM
saraj said...
I got a free issue of Radar magazine and it said Charlie Rose is one of their top "Toxic Bachelors." He's right next to Anthony Kiedis! They said he likes to hit on people's wives.

There's some food for thought next time you're watching Charlie Rose.

I have a huge backlog of NPR podcasts to listen to. If only my commute to work was more than 3 miles, I would listen to more of them.

9:58 PM
apants said...
fI would love it if Charlie Rose would hit on me. That makes me like him all the more!!!

1:58 PM
apants said...
Oh, and last night David Mamet was on the Charlie Rose Program. What a nut! I like him and all but, man. He said that what they are teaching in college these days is "deconstructionism, pluralism, and anti-semitism." On second thought, he is completely right. That is all I've been learning for the past 10 years.

2:03 PM

The ABSOLUTE Edited Re-edited Edit of Night Owl.

This guy Brandon wrote this story called Night Owl. Here is a link to it. http://www.diceybrownmagazine.com/gorrell.html
Then some other people edited it.

He talks about what some people have been doing here: http://brandon-alien-fine.blogspot.com/2008/02/links.html

Sam Pink said "people have been editing b scott gorrell's NIGHT OWL. so i did too.NIGHT OWLby Sam Pink II, His Lordship of Rigsby upon Yorkshire" Here is a link to his version. http://www.impersonalelectroniccommunication.com/2008/02/new-revision-of-night-owl.html

Then Brandon suggested I could write a new version of it. So I did. Here it is.

One day, I was sitting on my bed and looking at my computer. A whole day passed. I was sitting on my bed and looking at my computer. Another day passed. I went to work. Another day passed. Then I was sitting on my loveseat looking at my computer. The Media Nazi sent me an email and then another email and then another email and they were all links to videos on youtube and I watched each one and then responded to his emails saying, “That was hilarious, thank you for letting me in on this piece of American Culture.” He sent out some men to assassinate me.

I put on my plastic Miss Piggy mask and my long pink gloves and put my gold and silver diamond rings over top of the gloves on my fingers. I posed in front of the mirror. I said, “I guess I’d better get out of here before something bad happens again.” It was time to find my pants. I pulled my pants up over my thick, charred and black flaky dick. Some might say my dick is thin but it is really thick and those people can suck it.

I stuffed my oozing bloody puss filled face-hole with some gauze that I got from my medical job at the hospital. I put some rubber gloves in my pocket for later, just in case. Laying a finger aside of my nose, I headed out of my house to the store. I bought beer at the grocery store. The lady at the check out told me that usually she gets men late at night coming off work and buying beer and she thought it was strange that I was buying beer because I am a woman. I showed her the bulge from my charred and black flaky thickness. She also asked me if I wanted her to bag my beer. I think this was supposed to be code for "Do you want people to see that you are buying beer." But I might just be paranoid because I don't like people to see me buying alcohol. I was embarrassed. I also bought toilet paper and feminine hygiene products (for my male-asshole when it is bleeding) and something for my yeast infections and my hemorrhoids and condoms for my charred black, flaky thin, I mean, thick penis,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=13206&catid=100831&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=100831&trxp2=13206&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=70506&catid=103094&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=103094&trxp2=70506&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=80029&catid=105884&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=105884&trxp2=80029&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=27196&catid=103249&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=103249&trxp2=27196&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and one hundred of these:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=85831&catid=103096&trx=PLST-0-CAT&trxp1=103096&trxp2=85831&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-CAT.

I told the checkout lady, “These are all for a friend. I am normal.”

The cashier nodded slightly and said, "Whatever, I don't care about you—you're just a customer. Please don't make me repeat that."

I went back to my room and drank all the beer. I had to pee so I opened one of the packages of the traveljohn disposable urinals for men, women, and children. I lay back and masturbated into the urinal and then spent one half hour gently tugging on the benign tumors that grow near my asshole. I still had to pee. I went to the bathroom. I sat down to pee and said “No hands! Ta-da!” and stood up as if I had done something amazing.

My roommate walked in a few seconds later.

“I’m in here.”

"I know. You aren’t invisible. What show are you watching?" he asked. He had on pants that said across the ass “This is where my poop comes out."

"Just some video," I said looking into the toilet as if a video were playing in the ripples of my urine.

"Your penis is charred and thin and black and flaky, kind of like—" he began.

"Thick, you mean? Like a big thick charred black flakey dick?" I offered.

"Bingo."

I sat back down on the toilet and he sat on my lap.

“I’m glad we are so close.” He turned around and straddled me. I sodomized him on accident.

“Woops, my bad,” I said.

As he wept, I found my orange hoodie that says, “May you be confident knowing you are a child of God” on the back. I put it on and traveled outside of my house to a bar so that I could get my drink on some more.

At the door a man said “It’s $7 tonight.”

I showed him the bulge of my charred black flakey thickness and squeezed him out a handful of this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=70506&catid=103094&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=103094&trxp2=70506&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH.

"Put the button on him," the man at the door said then went back to playing his electronic hand held version of Simon.

The lady had a big box of buttons that had different sayings on them. Some were heart shaped and said “Be Mine” or “Hot Stuff.” Others were red white and blue and said “Obama” or “Bob Dole.” She pulled out one that was shaped like a shamrock and said “KISS ME, I’M A RAPIST.”

I went into the bar and was easily the coolest person there. I did a great dance routine that started out with a toprock, transitioning into a downrock. I displayed some power moves like the swipe, windmill, and the rimjob and then ended in a climactic freeze.

“I need something to drink after all those power moves,” I said to my clenched fist.

"What can I get for you," said the bartender.

"Can I get the tears you cried after losing your virginity?" I asked.

“I’m still a virgin.” She said.

“I want to pay a group of homeless men to gang rape you.”

She reach out and gently traced the words on my button. “I thought you were the rapist.”

“Touché.”

“I’m going to serve you a bloody mary.” She pulled out an old jar with dust on it. There was a label on the jar with the words “One year’s worth of Menses” written in Calligraphy. She poured some vodka into it and added a stick of celery.

“How much is it?”

“How much do you have in that sack?” She gestured to the sack I keep tethered to my belt loop at all times. I haven’t mentioned it yet but it was there the whole time.

“This sack? This is a sack of assholes. They are mementos from my rape victims.”

“Why do you keep a sack of assholes with you at all times? That’s not normal”

“Just in case.”

I walked to a table with my refreshment. There was a problem with the music. A DJ ran to the stage and touched a laptop for a while. New, louder music began playing.

"I really like this song," I said into the sack. The sack looked into me. I thought, “This is unsuccessful.”

Then I thought, "I want to leave." I walked out of the bar. I pointed at someone passing and said, "You’re next."

The Man at the door said I could keep my button.

“You really earned it,” He said.

“Do you allow rear entry?” I queried.

“For you, anything.” I sodomized him. Some of my roommate’s shit was still on my dick from before. This played to my advantage in the long run.

I walked towards my house. Then I was in a grocery store. It was like 2 A.M. I got a basket and put some food items in the basket. I went to the bulk foods section and put a handful of assholes into the bin marked “OATS.” I went to aisle six and relieved myself.

“Clean up on aisle six,” I whispered into my sack. Each asshole in the sack stretched itself into a smile. “You get me,” I said, “You really get me.”

I paid for the food items in the basket and left. I woke up and there were two bags of groceries on my floor. My jeans were by my couch. I had my shirt and hoodie and socks on. My computer was open on my bed. I felt confused because I wasn't sure if I had vomited the night before or if I had dreamt that I vomited. I knew I dreamt that I gave a presentation to my former coworkers about why my former employers decided to lay me off. They felt bad. I had to 'let them down easy.' I let them all touch me on my way out the door.

The assassins were at my door that morning. This is how I spent my last day on earth and I am writing this from heaven.