Harbinger, wallbanger. I hardly know her.

So here is a quick rundown of events.

I've been good, thanks for asking. I've not blogged for like 6 days or something. I'm not dead. I have an alive body. It is functioning. I'm fine, thanks. Get off my back. I'm going on a trip tomorrow. It is going to be rad. It is going to be to San Jose to see my fambily and my brother-in-law and sister have their movie in this Film Festival. It is in San Jose. Here is a link to it. If you are in the Bay Area you should go see it. It rules, I'm guessing.

http://www.cinequest.org/indexCQ.php

Also, I am going to hold a competition. The competition starts now. It will be like the 7th caller competitions on radio shows. Instead of calls, however, the competetion will be for commentors. I was invited to my first same-sex marriage wedding nutpials to take place in Tacoma Washington on July 7th. This is an important day. Not only is it Ringo Star's birthday but it is also the day after the president's birthday and the day after my birthday (I have the same birthday as George W. Bush. I know, right?) This is my 30th birthday. the big 30. I love weddings but I'm mad that I go to all the weddings I've gone to in the last few years SOLO. I need a date to the wedding. If you are the 7th commentor on this post you have the first shot at being my date to the wedding. It is a lesbo wedding, not a man on man wedding if that makes a difference too you. Also, if we are not related we get to make out at the wedding if you're up for it. If we are related and you win the contest we will not make out because I will not stand for incestual faggotry or any other types of incestuals.

Good luck to each of you.*

Oh, and here's a google chat transcript between me and Bishop Desmond Tutu.

me: Guess what is on T.V. tonight?
America's funniest homo videos.
OH MY GOD.
I JUST INVENTED SOMETHING
AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOMO VIDEOS!
I SHOULD BLOG ABOUT THIS.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: STOP YELLING AT ME
me: STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
Hey, guess what?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: no
you just tell me
me: oh kay
Lost is on tonight
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you're pregnant!
Oh, shit!
me: yes, pregnant with pauses.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It IS thusday!
me: IS
STOP YULLING AT ME.
YELLOW
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I forgot!
I remembered this morning
then forgot until just a second ago
me: you have a just a second long memory scan
Bishop Desmond Tutu: JAPPO
me: JAPPO-NOODLE SOUP
japa
japanoodle
Bishop Desmond Tutu: PREGGO JAPPO NOODLE SOUP
I suggested some names for the voutouvans baby
me: how much is one half of one quarter japanoodle?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stavros Kikkoman
me: Japanoodle
lol
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Sushi Falafel
and
Hiro Gyro
me: John Stamos Pat Morita.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: You should suggest that one
me: I WILL
angelina thinks your hair in the sink was gross on your blog
I told her to shut her trap
shut her dirty dick-hole
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Did you slap her in the vagina?
me: yes
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Good
me: well, it was less a slap and more a tickle
speaking of lesbos
Bishop Desmond Tutu: the isle of lesbos
me: do you want to go to a lesbo wedding with me in Tacoma Washington?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Becky?
me: On the day after my 30th birthday?
YES!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The Beckster?
me: The very one.
the one and the same.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Would we have to pretend to be a lesbo couple?
me: "pretend"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: And I was artifically inseminated?
me: "artificially"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: And we have two sons who we are raising gaywad
me: "sons"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, I suppose you inseminated me with someone else's semen
me: with a turkey gobble.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I saw that on a baby story once
me: I saw it too.
on a baby story.
When are you having your new baby?
the good one.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: You are pregnant!
Only preggos watch a baby story
me: NOT TRUE
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The day after your birthday
me: woo hooo!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: June 11
me: in Jew-lie
Bishop Desmond Tutu: your new birthday is June 10
me: that isn't my birthday
oh
good
I always wanted to be a gemini
my aunt's is june 12th
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The day you were re-born into Jesus's loving arms
me: born again
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I'm actually working on Cory energyface's wedding invuations right now
me: isn't he already married?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: they say "Cory 'n" Natalie 4 EVA
me: I"m thinking of that other one.
the retard.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Courtney
He's having a baby
me: OH MY GOD, YOU SHOULD GET A SCREEN CAPTURE PICTURE OF THAT MOVIE WITH MARKY MARK AND JUNE ALISON I MEAN REESE WITHERSPOON
YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE I MEAN?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Boogie nights
me: no
Bishop Desmond Tutu: legally blonde
me: 4 EVA carved into his chest movie
Bishop Desmond Tutu: II
me: f
started with an F
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Footloose
me: fuck
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Finnigan;s Wake
Flap Happy JAPPY
me: FEAR
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Fargo
me: It was called Fear
Bishop Desmond Tutu: That is dumb
with a silent b
me: and Marky Mark and the funny bunch carved 4 EVA into his chest.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: 'Uhhhh
awkward
me: yeah
what was awkward
I thought you were typing something
I was waiting for you.
you are awkward
Bishop Desmond Tutu: actually, I was doing stuff and ignoring you
me: you are an awkward teenage boy
with a penis
Bishop Desmond Tutu: that's not true
it's a lie
you are a lyinh liar
wow
lyinh
i must've been pretty upset
me: lyinh I'm dyin
oh my god, guess what?
I'll tell you
I'm going down to San Jose Tomorrow
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you're pregnant!
me: to visit my sister
Bishop Desmond Tutu: to get pregnant!
me: and her rabies
and I'm PREGNANT
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I knew it!
Isn't there a song about going to San Jose?
Do you know the way to San Jose?
doot doot soo soo soot soo soot
me: yes
everyone keeps singing that too me all day long
a hundred times
jesus
fucking
christ
almight
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Do you sing that song the whole way?
me: on
a stick
yes
I do
I sing it and then when I get there
I sing "Iiiiiii know the way to san jose
or I have found a way to san jose.
or Geesus San Jose is Really Gay
Bishop Desmond Tutu: What else is there to say about sanjose besides the song?
You should find some other allusion
me: well, there is teh san jose film festival
where I'm going to watch my bro-in-laws film
on 3/1
so there's that
Bishop Desmond Tutu: That ain't much
me: you ain't much
Bishop Desmond Tutu: did your sister hate steve's poster?
me: did he make a poster?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: she never responded to him on it at all
me: I knever knew
Bishop Desmond Tutu: he did
me: did he really?
that fucking cunt bag!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: and she never said a word
me: I'll give her a peice of my mind
piece
peace out
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I always said that about her
me: you did
you were always right about her.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: i can smell her cunt from here
me: hers and jodie fosters.
jodi?
jody?
I don't know
Bishop Desmond Tutu: is sh from san jose too?
me: no but that guy in the jail cell told her that in Silence of the Lambs.
that he could smell her cunt
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Clarissssse
me: and then hannibal lector said that he could not.
clariiiiiiiiissssse.
and then that guy flung his jiz at her.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hey
me: hey now
Bishop Desmond Tutu: hey
hey
me: HEY NOW
Bishop Desmond Tutu: whoa
me: wait a second
Bishop Desmond Tutu: hold on
me: now
Bishop Desmond Tutu: stop
me: quitit
you stop
Bishop Desmond Tutu: that's enough
me: that's quite enough of that, mister.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I was going to say
me: hey
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you should name our baby
me: OKAY
!!!!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I don't really give a shit any more
me: HOW ABOUT AMANDAROSEMURPHY HASKESACK.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Veto
me: how about just sack haske.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Excellente
Just Sack Haske it is
after Justin
me: yes!
why after justin
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Just
me: do you know something I don't
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Just sack
me: oh Just
Justice
Just Sack Haske.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: After Justin's ballsack
me: After Justin's ballsack does what?
just kiddng
lololollllolllllllol
Bishop Desmond Tutu: rotfl
me: fucking
Bishop Desmond Tutu: rotflmao
That takes me a long time to type
me: frollicing under cocks kissing in negro goo.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I have to think about each letter
me: mee too
meeeee double that, fo sho
oh my god, guess what?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Jesus
me: yes
Bishop Desmond Tutu: what now?
me: I had an interview today
I WORE A SKIRT!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Did you screw it up?
me: AND A BRIGHT YELLOW SWEATER!
I screwed something.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Did you send a thank you note immediately afterwards?
me: oh shit
I better do that.
I never do that.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Really?
me: really
maybe that's why I never get any blowjobs
angelina is going to lunch
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It always surprises me that people never do.
It says to on all the websites and books
Lunch?
Kinda late for lunch, Angelina
me: I know but seriously, either they like you and they give you a job or they don't like you and screw them, right?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Nope
me: we call our dinner break, "Lunch"
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I think that's how steve got his job
he sent an e-mail with some ideas he had for bikes right after the interview
seemed excited about it
me: did he actually mean dykes?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Why don'y you call it dinner
me: was it a typo?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Steve says he misses me
me: what a gaywad.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I think he wants me to make him "lunch"
me: steve says he hits me.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: which means "give me a b.j."
He wants to know if you're bi-curious
me: which in turn means balogny jamwhich.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: like bi-curious george
me: totally bi-curious. I love bicycle.s
I'm very curious about bicycles.
like how do they work?
where do they get their power?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: oil
me: Steve designs bikes for a living
in case you needed to know that.
Steve is your husband
Steve has a bad case of growths.
I guess I'll let you go back to the blow jobs and the french maid outfits.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Your thing should say
Mandy Murphy IS SO SMURFY
me: YOU ARE SO RIGHT
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It rhymes much better
me: DONE
finito
Bishop Desmond Tutu: DONE
me: people would often call me Murphette
in school
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I am also done
with you
because you whored it up
me: i would sneak in at night and rape their mothers with my prosthesis.
oh kay!
bye!
Bi!
curious
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Bye!
t
me: forever
Bishop Desmond Tutu: me
me: me
me
me
me
Bishop Desmond Tutu: you
me: me
me
me
you
and you
me and you 4 eva
Bishop Desmond Tutu: nope
bye
me: bye
can I post this in my blog?
you can't stop me
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Give me a psydonym
me: okay
what do you want it to be
Bishop Desmond Tutu: "Marifold"
me: Marifold Faske,
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Perfect
me: Marifold Perfect
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I still think you should do it as a radio play on your imaginary pocast, though
bye
me: bye

*In order to win the contest you have to read this whole gmail chat and give me the question, jeopardy style, that goes to this answer:

The answer is Will and Johanna's 1/2 of one quarter japanese and 3/4 Greek baby, aka John Stamos Pat Morita, aka 1/8 japanoodle gyro soup.

The Three Es

Enemas and Interviews.

The Three Ms:

Money, Cars, and Women.

WrongoWrongo

Hi everybody.

I need you to work on deciphering the language above. It is RongoRongo and no one has been able to decipher it yet. Thanks for your help.

The picture reminds me of when kids draw with chalk on the sidewalk. This is bad and defacing of property and vandalism and those kids should be punished punished because it is wrongowrongo. My name is little Bongo. I sing my little songo. Whenever I get called upon the teacher says I'm wrongo.

Well, tomorrow I'm going to Yrethra Franklin to hang out with the 'rents, do some laundry, steal some of their stuff like a coffee table and unload some crap like two chairs my mom has been making me carry around in my trunk for 40 days and 40 nights like Noah and the ark only instead of all the animals two by two it is just two chairs and as far as I can tell they have not been having any sort of chair intercourse to ensure their survival and to procreate their line throughout the rest of thyme. They are very stupid medical office chairs and I don't know why my mother wants them. My grandmother got them from her office that closed recently. She will turn 90 years old in April and she only just stopped working because the office she worked at closed.

If there are any messages you want me to pass on to my parents in Yrethra Franklin, please let me know. I never have anything to tell them of interest.

Lost is on tomorrow night and I'm going to watch the fuck out of it. I am going to watch until the cows come home. Until the hens come home to roost. Until the end of thyme.

I am reading a book about Easter Island that Mormon Mackenzie gave me at work. It is pretty interesting. My mom was telling me this morning via the telephone that she has been spending a lot of time learning about Henry II on wikipedia because she just finished a long book of historical fiction the centered on this Henry II. This made me think to myself, "I'd better read all about Easter Island on wikipeda post haste." And so I have and now I am the resident expert. And now you will be too once you decipher the glyphs. Get on that.

I chose a STRONG password, I do not share my password, I gave my password some thought and I didn't make it obvious. It is a STRONG password.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Door Hinge

Nothing rhymes with Door Hinge

I did my taxes.

I faxed some faxes.

Proxies

I blew some saxes.

I chopped some axes.

Taxis

I ate some snackses

I took some flackses

Texas

I did my taxes.

Texas is going to murder someone today. I bet.

In Oregon, where I live, we only murder people who want to be murdered.

In Oregon, where I live, we are all organ donors.

I finished the book I was reading. This is the first book I've finished reading since November. I've had a hard time concentrating but now I'm feeling better (in my mind hole).

It was a crappy book. There were no dragons or lasers but there were wizards so, same difference. A teacher once wrote on my paper "Dragons and Lasers R Dumb."

I should get him fired. I should get all my former teachers fired. And the reasons are obvious. I still don't know the difference between it's and its. My first teacher's name I forgot. She was my first preschool teacher. My second teacher's name I remember. It was Mrs. Bailey and we called her Mrs. B. Later I knew her eldest son in high school and he was a big fat dick. I think she had dimples. And hair like Princess Diana's when she got married. That was a popular style for young blond mothers in the early 1980s. I remember all my other teachers from then on except for some probably in college whose names I forgot but who I would remember easily if I referenced my transcripts, which I happen to have copies of right here with me now. They were all assholes.

My dad was my teacher once. For a whole year I think or at least two trimesters in my junior year. We had trimesters because there was such a problem with teenage pregnancy at my school. That was made up. We had trimesters because some douche thought it was some kind of a good idea. We used to say "This tri" for short or "Next tri" Like as in, "Next tri I'm taking algebra II and analysis at the same time so that I can take calculus my senior year." I didn't take calculus my senior year. I never took calculus. I didn't take any math my whole senior year because I didn't have to. Am I missing out? Would I be better if I'd taken calculus? God, what have I done. I never took physics either. I am a monster.

Mostly the best part about highschool was that every classroom had a t.v. in it and I could watch quantum leap at lunch time by myself in my dad's classroom and he would only sometimes bother me or tell me I was going to get in trouble if I didn't go to the assembly or something. But then he would always write me a note to give to Mr. Callison in the office if I was late or missed class and he made me student of the month. I like the episode where Sam ended up in his own past and he played "Imagine" for his sister on the guitar and told her that John Lennon was going to be killed but that he would write that song before he died and she cried and cried like a fucking baby. And he was all like "Oh boy."

Chachi Wachi Boy

My brother's dog Chachi is the best dog in the world.

Steve "Stephen" Haske Turns 31 Years Old Today.

Dear Steve,

When I met you in 1996 you looked like this.

Remember how you had that dumb cancer leg girlfriend who had cancer in her leg and walked funny? Yeah. That was lame. Also lame was when you decided never to cut your hair and try to become a dirty humboldt hippy but then you just looked like a girl.

Remember how you cut your hair finally or your mom finally did? But you still wore really ugly sweaters all the time and big white tennis shoes? You probably still wear big white tennis shoes.

And then you broke up with that cancer leg girl or she dumped you, I don't remember. But remember how you dated that cock-eyed girl for a while? Like a week or something? And her one eye went all over the place? And you never knew if she was looking at you or not? Anyway, then you met and married Marigold and things were really looking up for you for a long time even though you really always wanted to marry your mom and even though Marigold is so gay.

For instance, there she is above fondling an imaginary woman's breasts. Honk Honk, Marigold!And below here she is checking out my sweet sweet candy-ass.

Anyway, we've had some good times but mostly really bad times. Like when I had to sit next to you and this pregnant chick at that wedding. That was really bad.

And this time you tried to eat my face off and I had to kick you hard in the nuts.

Even still when you think of when I kicked you in the nuts you make faces and body poses like this one.

And even though I kicked you hard in the nuts you managed to knock up Marigold twice and at least once you had a baby who you named Fuckleberry and who might not turn out as retarded as you are as long as you take the necessary precautions.

Good Job Steve!

You remember that one time

when I told you all about that big snow storm we had? It was about two or three weeks ago. Anyway, this is a picture of what the view from my front door looked like before the big snow storm.

and this is what it looked like after the big snow storm.

So yeah, we had a lot of snow. I finally uploaded a bunch of other pictures to my flickr page.

Here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/diapantsies/

Vagina Soliloquies.

My vagina delivered an address to the nation from atop my balcony. It cried "Don't weep for me, Americaland." (Americaland is the town I live in)

Today I wore a pink shirt with butterflies on it and a pink sweater and pink shoelaces and a pink bra that I put on likea grownup and I had a nasty case of pink eye and I read Sam Pink's blog probably but I don't think he wrote anything new and I ate a heart shaped pink frosted sugar cookie and I didn't tip any waitresses in honor of Mr. Pink and took a brisk walk around the hospital until my cheeks were pink because it was still daytime at 5:30. I love it that it is still daytime at 5:30. Daytime, Daytime! Chainsaws.

I burned all my pink breast cancer awareness ribbons though. Women should just lop off their breasts. That would cure breast cancer forever and also it would make me feel very superior with my un-lopped breasts. Very superior indeed. I would have more vaginatown cards and roses and chocolates than I would know what to do with. And secret admirerers golore. Chainsaws.

Long story short, I hope you had a nice V-town day and I hope you got to really get up into that V. If you know what I mean. Chainsaws.

Viva Americaland!

This wasn't what I wanted to type.

Scott Bakula

Scott Bakula I think played a doctor on Quantum Leap. I'm just assuming he was a doctor. If not, I'm sure MIT has given him an honorary doctorate probably the same day they gave one to Leonard Nemoy, that fat fuck. Anyway, as you can see by the following geometry proof, Scott Bakula is Dracula.

First you have to write out Dr. Bakula.
Then you have to remove the . and the B.
And then you have Dr akula.
Then you have to remove the three spaces.
Then you have Drakula.

I think it is pretty clear now.

Am I saying that Scott Bakula is a vampire? Am I saying that outloud right now? No, that would be slander. I am writing it. This is libel. This is an important lesson for you to learn about the difference between slander and libel. Here is a video that explains this in a much more emotionally charged way.

Either way, I don't think that this in anyway defames Scott Bakula. On the contrary, I believe that people thinking he is a vampire is just the thing his career needs right now.

Today is not February 12th. It is February 11, 2007

Angelina said tonight "The Line is Blurred!" in regards to my last blog post because she doesn't know what is real and what is fiction. All of it was true and really happened to me. Oh and here is another guy's version who actually did a literarily-like "shout-out" to my night owl version. Oh how I loathe the internet.

Frank Morgan's 'Night Owl.'

Here is last years post.
February 11, 2007
Podcasts

If I was a crazy person, I would just memorize the current year and the current president and then go about my business. No one seems to ever need to know more than that.

I recommend, if you are inclined, getting NPR and IPR podcasts like This American Life and Fresh Air. I feel so free that I am able to listen to these things any time I want.

I think I could live in my car for quite a while. The hospital where I work has a shower. But where to park? Do you park in the same place every night? Or do you drive around and find 4 or 5 places to rotate too and from?

I had interesting dreams last night.

I would park near the hospital I think. But then ambulances might wake me up. That would be annoying. And do you just have to have battery powered everything? Alarm Clock, etc. I would try to find and steal travel sized things like you find in motels.

I have never had a garbage disposal. I wouldn't miss that.

P.S. Do you like my new picture? I do.

P.P.S I almost forgot!!! The other night Charlie Rose had Ted Kennedy on his program. I think I've mentioned before that I love the Charlie Rose Program and that I love Charlie Rose. If you've never seen his show before you really need to. It is on PBS. Here it plays at 11pm and 11:30am every day except saturday and sunday. But anywho, Ted Kennedy said something to the effect of "The Budget is a moral document that shows what the nation's priorities are." Or something like that. That isn't an exact quote but it is very close. I just thought this was a great quote and I think he might have gotten it from somewhere else. But I don't know.

Posted by apants at 7:39 PM



7 comments:
marbledog said...
What if you have to pee in the middle of the night?

7:59 PM
apants said...
I never have to pee in the middle of the night. And I suppose I would park near a bathroom.

8:07 PM
zolita said...
Never have to pee in the middle of the night. Braggart. Every 45 gol durn minits. Goldurnit. My spouse could give you lots of advice about living in your car. He had a few spots he rotated around, I believe. And had a gym membership where he showered. If you did that you wouldn't need shampoo and stuff because they have it at the ready.

4:48 PM
apants said...
I was thinking that it might be a fun experiment. To try it for, say, a week or so. Or permanently because I hate Myles and I'm moving out by the end of this month.

4:56 PM
saraj said...
I got a free issue of Radar magazine and it said Charlie Rose is one of their top "Toxic Bachelors." He's right next to Anthony Kiedis! They said he likes to hit on people's wives.

There's some food for thought next time you're watching Charlie Rose.

I have a huge backlog of NPR podcasts to listen to. If only my commute to work was more than 3 miles, I would listen to more of them.

9:58 PM
apants said...
fI would love it if Charlie Rose would hit on me. That makes me like him all the more!!!

1:58 PM
apants said...
Oh, and last night David Mamet was on the Charlie Rose Program. What a nut! I like him and all but, man. He said that what they are teaching in college these days is "deconstructionism, pluralism, and anti-semitism." On second thought, he is completely right. That is all I've been learning for the past 10 years.

2:03 PM

The ABSOLUTE Edited Re-edited Edit of Night Owl.

This guy Brandon wrote this story called Night Owl. Here is a link to it. http://www.diceybrownmagazine.com/gorrell.html
Then some other people edited it.

He talks about what some people have been doing here: http://brandon-alien-fine.blogspot.com/2008/02/links.html

Sam Pink said "people have been editing b scott gorrell's NIGHT OWL. so i did too.NIGHT OWLby Sam Pink II, His Lordship of Rigsby upon Yorkshire" Here is a link to his version. http://www.impersonalelectroniccommunication.com/2008/02/new-revision-of-night-owl.html

Then Brandon suggested I could write a new version of it. So I did. Here it is.

One day, I was sitting on my bed and looking at my computer. A whole day passed. I was sitting on my bed and looking at my computer. Another day passed. I went to work. Another day passed. Then I was sitting on my loveseat looking at my computer. The Media Nazi sent me an email and then another email and then another email and they were all links to videos on youtube and I watched each one and then responded to his emails saying, “That was hilarious, thank you for letting me in on this piece of American Culture.” He sent out some men to assassinate me.

I put on my plastic Miss Piggy mask and my long pink gloves and put my gold and silver diamond rings over top of the gloves on my fingers. I posed in front of the mirror. I said, “I guess I’d better get out of here before something bad happens again.” It was time to find my pants. I pulled my pants up over my thick, charred and black flaky dick. Some might say my dick is thin but it is really thick and those people can suck it.

I stuffed my oozing bloody puss filled face-hole with some gauze that I got from my medical job at the hospital. I put some rubber gloves in my pocket for later, just in case. Laying a finger aside of my nose, I headed out of my house to the store. I bought beer at the grocery store. The lady at the check out told me that usually she gets men late at night coming off work and buying beer and she thought it was strange that I was buying beer because I am a woman. I showed her the bulge from my charred and black flaky thickness. She also asked me if I wanted her to bag my beer. I think this was supposed to be code for "Do you want people to see that you are buying beer." But I might just be paranoid because I don't like people to see me buying alcohol. I was embarrassed. I also bought toilet paper and feminine hygiene products (for my male-asshole when it is bleeding) and something for my yeast infections and my hemorrhoids and condoms for my charred black, flaky thin, I mean, thick penis,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=13206&catid=100831&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=100831&trxp2=13206&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=70506&catid=103094&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=103094&trxp2=70506&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=80029&catid=105884&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=105884&trxp2=80029&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=27196&catid=103249&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=103249&trxp2=27196&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH,
and one hundred of these:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=85831&catid=103096&trx=PLST-0-CAT&trxp1=103096&trxp2=85831&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-CAT.

I told the checkout lady, “These are all for a friend. I am normal.”

The cashier nodded slightly and said, "Whatever, I don't care about you—you're just a customer. Please don't make me repeat that."

I went back to my room and drank all the beer. I had to pee so I opened one of the packages of the traveljohn disposable urinals for men, women, and children. I lay back and masturbated into the urinal and then spent one half hour gently tugging on the benign tumors that grow near my asshole. I still had to pee. I went to the bathroom. I sat down to pee and said “No hands! Ta-da!” and stood up as if I had done something amazing.

My roommate walked in a few seconds later.

“I’m in here.”

"I know. You aren’t invisible. What show are you watching?" he asked. He had on pants that said across the ass “This is where my poop comes out."

"Just some video," I said looking into the toilet as if a video were playing in the ripples of my urine.

"Your penis is charred and thin and black and flaky, kind of like—" he began.

"Thick, you mean? Like a big thick charred black flakey dick?" I offered.

"Bingo."

I sat back down on the toilet and he sat on my lap.

“I’m glad we are so close.” He turned around and straddled me. I sodomized him on accident.

“Woops, my bad,” I said.

As he wept, I found my orange hoodie that says, “May you be confident knowing you are a child of God” on the back. I put it on and traveled outside of my house to a bar so that I could get my drink on some more.

At the door a man said “It’s $7 tonight.”

I showed him the bulge of my charred black flakey thickness and squeezed him out a handful of this:
http://www.revolutionhealthstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=70506&catid=103094&trx=PLST-0-SEARCH&trxp1=103094&trxp2=70506&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-SEARCH.

"Put the button on him," the man at the door said then went back to playing his electronic hand held version of Simon.

The lady had a big box of buttons that had different sayings on them. Some were heart shaped and said “Be Mine” or “Hot Stuff.” Others were red white and blue and said “Obama” or “Bob Dole.” She pulled out one that was shaped like a shamrock and said “KISS ME, I’M A RAPIST.”

I went into the bar and was easily the coolest person there. I did a great dance routine that started out with a toprock, transitioning into a downrock. I displayed some power moves like the swipe, windmill, and the rimjob and then ended in a climactic freeze.

“I need something to drink after all those power moves,” I said to my clenched fist.

"What can I get for you," said the bartender.

"Can I get the tears you cried after losing your virginity?" I asked.

“I’m still a virgin.” She said.

“I want to pay a group of homeless men to gang rape you.”

She reach out and gently traced the words on my button. “I thought you were the rapist.”

“Touché.”

“I’m going to serve you a bloody mary.” She pulled out an old jar with dust on it. There was a label on the jar with the words “One year’s worth of Menses” written in Calligraphy. She poured some vodka into it and added a stick of celery.

“How much is it?”

“How much do you have in that sack?” She gestured to the sack I keep tethered to my belt loop at all times. I haven’t mentioned it yet but it was there the whole time.

“This sack? This is a sack of assholes. They are mementos from my rape victims.”

“Why do you keep a sack of assholes with you at all times? That’s not normal”

“Just in case.”

I walked to a table with my refreshment. There was a problem with the music. A DJ ran to the stage and touched a laptop for a while. New, louder music began playing.

"I really like this song," I said into the sack. The sack looked into me. I thought, “This is unsuccessful.”

Then I thought, "I want to leave." I walked out of the bar. I pointed at someone passing and said, "You’re next."

The Man at the door said I could keep my button.

“You really earned it,” He said.

“Do you allow rear entry?” I queried.

“For you, anything.” I sodomized him. Some of my roommate’s shit was still on my dick from before. This played to my advantage in the long run.

I walked towards my house. Then I was in a grocery store. It was like 2 A.M. I got a basket and put some food items in the basket. I went to the bulk foods section and put a handful of assholes into the bin marked “OATS.” I went to aisle six and relieved myself.

“Clean up on aisle six,” I whispered into my sack. Each asshole in the sack stretched itself into a smile. “You get me,” I said, “You really get me.”

I paid for the food items in the basket and left. I woke up and there were two bags of groceries on my floor. My jeans were by my couch. I had my shirt and hoodie and socks on. My computer was open on my bed. I felt confused because I wasn't sure if I had vomited the night before or if I had dreamt that I vomited. I knew I dreamt that I gave a presentation to my former coworkers about why my former employers decided to lay me off. They felt bad. I had to 'let them down easy.' I let them all touch me on my way out the door.

The assassins were at my door that morning. This is how I spent my last day on earth and I am writing this from heaven.

Ween's Song Dr. Rock is Dr. Awkward spelled BACKWARDS DRAWKWARD and also Dracula spelled backwards too.

I teach you things you never knew you never knew.

Diapantsies Redux:

I'm lazy and can't write something every day. So instead, on the days I can't think of anything to write about I'm going to try an experiment and post the post from that day a year ago. If I post every day, I get more hits on my statmeter. This is an experiment to see if I still do even if it is old information. Also, it is my greatest hits album.

February 8, 2007
Bored, at work

Bored, at work, I've been goooogling. I decided to look up my hometown in wikipedia which led me to the City Chamber of Commerce's website, which in turn led me to some "attractions" that the Chamber of Commerce are advertising, which led me to this.

"YREKA & ALL OF SISKIYOU COUNTY IS BIKER FRIENDLY
The uncrowded roads of Siskiyou County offer motorcyclists incredible riding experiences. The vast open roads that crisscross California's northern most central county, geographically the fifth largest county in the state, are lightly traveled and provide breathtaking scenery at nearly every turn.
Yreka, [you pronounce the "Y"] the seat of Siskiyou County, is located adjacent to Interstate 5 at the northern end of the majestic Shasta Valley just twenty-two miles south of the Oregon border. Being the largest city in the county, with a mere 7,290 population, Yreka offers travelers the most inclusive list of services throughout Siskiyou County. Motorcyclists visiting this rural historic community will quickly discover that Yreka businesses, like the roads, are "biker friendly".
Bikers can expect roads that course along wild and scenic rivers and historical county byways that pass along open miles and miles of outstanding rural scenery. You'll go through historic communities, along old stage routes and even right past the site of the last lynching in California which is just down the road from the scene of the last stagecoach robbery which took place in the Golden State. "

I highlighted the last sentence for emphasis but the blue print is from the original page. When I see blue print on a website I think that this is because there is a link. Not so in this case. I think they just really wanted to point out that Yreka is "Biker Friendly" and that it is the proud home of the "last lynching" in California. Not to mention the "last stagecoach robbery." I am so proud of my hometown. And what they are proud of, I am proud of.

There you go, knickerbockers.

Tonight at work I sang to Angelina along with the song on the radio which was being sung by Van Morrison except I changed the words a little to this:

"Ooooh Ooooh my brown eyed butt" and then I added, "It only has one eye."

I danced around a lot and sang a lot of other songs and usually changed the words slightly to be more offensive or scatological. Some people say that scatological IS offensive and to those people I say, "Fuck You Poop Face!"

Then later "Pretty Woman" came on the radio and Angelina and I both clapped along to the beat. We've got the beat, we've got the beat... um... yeah! We got it! Also, Angelina is trying to plan a trip to Portland and so she keeps yammering on about walking tours and Bruce Springsteen.

I'm glad that Mormon Fuck isn't going to president. (No offense to the Mormons reading this)

"Oh Celine Dion's going to be there in October!" Angelina says. Well then plan a trip in October, Angepoopa. I don't want to hear anymore of your jibber jabber!

"Oh! The cheer leading state championship is on Saturday!" Jeez.

This makes Angelina sound like some kind of idiot. Mostly she was joking about the cheer leading thing. I think.

Now, "Nothing you can do can tear me away from my guy" is playing on the radio. I am bobbing along. We are listening to Cool 103. Cool Hits. We usually turn it off by now because they play the same songs every day and we lose our minds but today we haven't for some reason. I don't know why.

I got 1,000,000 money things on Lego Star Wars and I was able to buy invincibility. Just so you know, when I say "Star Wars" I pronounce Wars as if it rhymes with Star. And then I usually sing the theme song to Star Trek but with the words "Star Waaaaars, Starry Starry Star Wars. Star Waaaaaaars, Starry Starry Star Wars! Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Star Wars, Staaaar Wars, Star Wars.... Star Wars." Like that. Anyway, invincibility is great. Nothing can kill you.

Today has been some kind of "down stairs day" when all the patients that come in to the hospital have old previous studies that we store in the archives down in the basement. We are lazy and so do not like to have to go all the way downstairs and across the hospital to the archives and then back so that we can locate the old previous studies and then digitally scan them in. We have to do this though because it is our job. Some days we are lucky and there are no patients or very few patients who happen to come in with previous studies down stairs. Other days, like today, we are unlucky.

I'm really good at Lego Star Wars.

My coworker Gary used technology and I used technology and we managed to put part of my theme song to the Diapantscast Podcast on his phone. Now an edited mp3 that has me saying "Uh, yeah, yeah, check it out" is what he hears coming out of his phone when he has a voicemail. If you want this, email me and I'll email it to you. mandmurphy@gmail.com. It is a pretty great ring tone. We talked about how it would be cool if I had one of those commercials they have that says dial 82487 or whatever to download the coolest and newest ring tone from Butthole McRapstar or HipHop Artist number 823 or the Black-eyed Peas. Or whatever. This is my version of that commercial. Email me and I'll send it to you for free. Or just comment here. But I still need your email. So.

Have I mentioned about how much I like playing Lego Star Wars? And that I'm really good at it? Well, I do, and I am.

I'm very healthy lately. VERY. If you catch my drift. Wink.

I think I'll go test my blood sugar and inject some insulin. I have a big very purple bruise on my stomach from a somewhat less than proficient injection I gave myself last week. It is fading but it is still really dark purple. Soon it will be greenish and then yellowish and then goneish. Angelina is at lunch. I'm here at work all alone. I guess I'll go do some more work.

This ended up pretty long! Here is a picture of my Blue Dog Democrat Boyfriend who I want to marry. He is from Tennesee and his name is Harold Ford Jr. and he was on the Charlie Rose program the other day and I became quite enamored with him. He is only 37 and he rules the world.



DLC

Choose!

My coworker has a post it on her computer and it is a yellow post it and it says exactly this:

*
CHOOSE
*

Except for the stars are more centered above and below the word. We've been joking a lot about it because no one knows what it means. She is a kind of new employee and none of us knows her very well. She leaves before I get here so I never remember to ask her what it means. I also never remember to ask Sheila, who works with her all day, to ask her what it means. Sometimes I turn to my coworker and say "Choose!" and we laugh. Today we talked about sticking post its (heh heh, pos-tits)all over the office saying "Decide!" and "Make up your mind!" and "Pick One!" and other things like this. I also thought of changing the CH to a B and the s to a Z. I'm hoping writing this will help remind me to find out what she is supposed to CHOOSE. I hoping that it is some really deep dark secret difficult choice like Sophie's Choice but it is probably some kind stupid thing involving a choice between coke and pepsi or Christianity and Islam or rocks and hard places.

This is a blog I enjoy reading from:

DRUNK

I just noticed that there is also a calender near this post it. This has been recently turned to February and says "Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. - William Jennings Bryan"

Curiouser and Curiouser. What does it all mean?

I watched The Queen this last Sunday. Helen Mirren won an Oscar for it, you know. It was pretty good. It was interesting to see a movie documenting a historically interesting event that happened in my adult life that I actually remember and had adult type thoughts about. I am getting old.

I've been playing a lot of this Star Wars Lego video game that my nephew has let me borrow. It rules so much. I'm not really that into Star Wars, I'm not ashamed to admit, but I do love legos and I always have. I also love video games and I think Yoda is alright. And Chewbacca. (What a Wookie!) The rest of them can just all go suck it. I mean, fucking Jar Jar? Come on! I know, right?

Oh, and by the way, I did go home early last week and I did watch the season premiere of Lost and I did think it was pretty good. I especially like this whole thing about Jacob and the shack. Shacks are creepy. As are Shaqs. And Shag carpeting and the Beatles with their crazy shag haircuts and their mod suits. The Looooove Shack is creepy. Shaq Attack is pretty creepy. Karaoke weekend at the suicide shack is pretty creepy too.

I guess I didn't really have anything to say afterall.

Oh, except someone tore off my mom's windshield wiper and if the offending person is read this blog then you are a very bad person! She needed that winshield wiper to come up to oregon tomorrow and now she can't because of you! Who would do such a thing? Who? and Why? Why?

Happy St. Groundhog's Day, Rapists!

Dear The Rapists (or is it pronounced therapists? I never know),

I hope your rap songs are coming along good. I for one really look forward to your next album, lp, or mp3, whatever it is that the kids are calling it these days. And Happy St. Groundhog's Day! As you know I always get giddy this time of year when the first of the Saint's holiday trifecta arrives heralding Spring and bringing us all closer to god like the way that the person Trent Reznor was singing that song to brought him closer god (These holidays also make me want to fuck them like an animal).

First is St. Groundhog's Day. Today! February 2nd. The day of reckoning. This is a great day to bring your secretary to work and it is also the 2nd day of Black History Mumph. It is most importantly, however, the day that the groundhog pokes his head out of a dark black hole and reminds me that it has been a couple of days now since I had a healthy bowel movement. I usually then drink eight to 48 ounces of coffee, eat several apples and other types of shit-bringing fruits, and then start the waiting game. If I poop before the groundhog does then we have eight more years of winter. If the groundhog poops before I do then we have eight more years of spring. Yay!

The second saint holiday in the trifecta is St. Vagalintines Day which the Femi-Nazis have pretty much taken over with their womb-centric rhetoric and their decorative bloody tampon streamers and maxi-pad garlands. It used to be a great American Holiday. Now it has been ruined by the Politically Correct Police of the 1990s. Fuck that shit, man.

The third saint holiday is St. Patrick's Day. I'm going to skip Vagalintines Day and all the other days in between and just commence with the drinking right now. I'm also going to drive some snakes out of town and bring Christianity to some of the near bye barbarians. I'll probably taunt and murder some people too. I'm just guessing that St. Patrick would have wanted me to.