I am a bad mean girl

If I had tags I would tag this post "bitchy and/or immature responses to perfectly respectable requests" and it would be grouped with the previous post about the national honor society. I think I found my writing niche. Making fun of stuff and people. I know it SOUNDS obvious but it took a lot of soul searching to find.

So in the continuing saga of my newly formed obsession with Mick LaSalle, who I mostly dislike, I add the following tidbits. By the way, when I told my mom that I've been reading Mick LaSalle's blog she said, "you hate Mick LaSalle" because I've really disliked him since I was like 10. And in a separate instance I told my dad about some post I read of Mick's and my dad said, "But you hate Mick LaSalle." And so I guess I really must have talked about it a lot at some point in my life. I didn't even realize it.

A while back he wrote about anxiety nightmares, mentioning specifically "the actor's nightmare," and asked his readers to comment about their own anxiety nightmares. I wrote this:

I get the actors nightmare about once a month also but only when I haven't been in a play for a while. And it is almost always a musical and I can never find my costume and I can never remember the dance steps or the lyrics. Or I know the songs just not the lines in between. The other recurring dream for me is the sports nightmare. Mine usually involves a soccer game where my team literally has to play up a hill while the other team has the advantage of playing downhill. And I can't tell my feet what to do.

To which, amongst a reply to a few of the comments, Mick wrote:

Now on your nightmares. Highly enjoyable reading: The various forms of being paralyzed while crossing the street or trying to save someone -- I haven't had those specifically, but I understand them.

The playing soccer uphill one -- this is what happens when parents force their kids to play soccer. This is damaging, folks. You need to put them in front of the TV when they come home from school and let them watch "F Troop" like they did in the good old days.

I like the naked teacher dream. I never had a microwave nightmare, but that's a good one, too.

Needless to say, I felt warm and acknowledged. And then what do I do? I become a horrible bitch to prove that I don't care about Mick's acknowledgment. He recently wrote something about a list of favorite things EVER and I personally think the whole listing of things is SOOOO 2000. It is like soooooo Y2K. Remember? Remember when everything was all about the best movies OF THE CENTURY and the best books OF THE CENTURY. And every since then it is just been a constant repetition of the best of the best of lists. Here is Mick's assignment:

OK, so -- here are the categories, 28 of them. Please list your favorite EVER in each category. You also have the option to list ONE honorable mention. And really, try to keep it to One. Feel free to skip categories.
Movie
Play
Film Director
TV Show
TV Movie or Mini-series
Playwright
Album
Novel
Short Story
Novelist
Composer
Classical Piece
Opera
Actor
Actress
Dancer
Beatle
Poet
Non-Fiction Book
Painting
Singer
Sculpture
Architectural Structure
Pope
Philosopher
Dixie Chick
Marx Brother

After seeing that this post of his got like 47 times more comments than is regular posts do, it was easy to see that people really really really wanted Mick and his readers to know how cool they are. This struck me as lame and dumb and also stupid. So I posted this:


Maybe I am selfish and jaded and a bitch but I can't imagine anyone else in the world caring about any of the lists here except the person who wrote them. And that includes Mick's. This is on par with the Adam's Family/Munsters debate. (my note: this was another stupid lame idea of his that there are two types of people, those who like the Addams family and those who like The Munsters)Or was it Elvis people and Beatles people? Or was it cat people and dog people? Ugh.

Play-Our Town! Yay!
Film Director-Steven Spielberg!
TV Show-Friends!
TV Movie or Mini-series-Tuesdays with Morrie!
Playwright-Shakespeare!
Album-Sgt Pepper!
Novel-The Unbearable Lightness of Being! Yay!
Short Story-The Lottery!
Novelist-Alice Sebold! Yay!
Composer-Mozart!
Classical Piece-Beethoven's 5th!
Opera-Carmen with Beyonce!
Actor-Tom Cruz or Tom Hanks. I just can't decide!
Actress-Marilyn Monroe or Julia Roberts! Yay!
Dancer-Paula Abdul!
Beatle-John was the coolest one because, well, he just was!(also he died and that was so sad.)Poet-Maya Angelou! Yay!
Non-Fiction Book-A Million Little Pieces-James Frey! Yay!
Painting-Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte by George Seurat because that was in that musical Sunday in the Park with George! Yay!
(So many people had this on their lists)
Singer-Whitney Houston or Billy Joel. I can't decide! Maybe Edith Piaf or Josephine Baker or Greta Garbo if I'm trying to impress people!
Sculpture-The Thinker! Yay!
Architectural Structure-The Golden Gate Bridge! or the Statue of liberty. America is great! Yay!!!
Pope-Ye. Popeye. Get it? Ha ha! I answered a crazy answer because this question was silly and crazy!Philosopher-Plato! Double Yay!
Dixie Chick-Dixie Carter! or one of the other three. It doesn't matter! Yay!
Marx Brother - Karl! Ha Ha! Another funny joke!
I guess this proves that I am a bitch.

Am I the crazy one here? Or are these lists the stupidest things ever. I think it says something that Mick had originally thought of this list thing as a piece in the pink section of the Chronicle but "nobody was interested." I guess blogs are great places for frustrated writers to go virtually unedited and to use all the stupid ideas that didn't make it into print. And judging by the response of the the commenters, people really really like talking about themselves. Big Freaking Surprise!!! Here are some of the responses to my comment:

Amandapants, I'm having a fun time reading other people's lists.The great thing about blogging is that it is totally voluntary. If you don't like the thing people are commenting about, it is ridiculously easy to NOT participate.Or you could just complain about the process and mock other people for having participated.

and

Amandapants list is the same list Jessica Simpson submitted.

and

Dear Amandapants: I've been checking back regularly to scan the lists. It's fun to notice people who list favorites of mine, or least favorites of mine, or surprising choices. I'm being reminded of art I love and made curious about things I'm unfamiliar with. It's funny - I've never been a big fan of Mick's movie reviews, but I really do enjoy his blog - largely because of his active, sincere invitation to his readers to participate.

and the best one

Amandapants: I care about your list. It is a wonderful list. It is, in fact, my favorite-ist list. I'm asking Mick to include "List" in his next questionnaire so I can vote for yours. Dixie Cupps would have been good, too, BTW.

If you want to read all the lists, here is the website: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/mlasalle/detail?blogid=38&entry_id=13008

And before you say anything, Marya, I am fully aware that I have completely turned into my father and my uncle.

The National Scholars Honor Society

I got this little postcard in the mail a while back from The National Scholars Honor Society. It is a "special invitation" to appy for membership. I threw it in my back pack thinking that I might check it out but I usually don't go in for this kind of stuff. It is a little too "Who's Who" for me. I wasn't going to apply but then I decided to just go look at the website. And then I decided to see if they charge anything. They don't. So then I decided, why not, I'll apply. So then I clicked all the clickity clicks required to apply. And then I got to the freetext part where they encourage you to write about how great you are. You know, awards you've won and crap like that. And then I sort of felt stupid because I really haven't done anything great. So I wrote this:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a horrible person. I neither deserve nor desire to be honored as a scholar. One of the many reasons that I do not deserve to be included in the National Scholars Honor Society is because I do not desire to be included in the National Scholars Honor Society. I am a middling student, at best. I am slovenly, slothful, stupid and sinful. I am a second class citizen in many ways. I am a woman. I am a diabetic. I am overweight. My BMI is over the healthy number. It should be under 25 and it is about 26. I have shamed my family and friends more times than I can count. I swear in public and in front of children, often. I do not exercise regularly. I watch far too much television and am obsessed with the culture of Hollywood and fame. I have formidable talents which I have wasted. I have a high I.Q. and have received very high test scores throughout my life. I have musical talents and acting abilities. I am a fairly good writer. I shirk these talents as though they were burdensome responsibilities assigned to me by god. I don't believe in god. I am essentially an atheist. I work many hours and have taken out large loans for extra money. Not because I've been subject to extreme economic hardships, but rather because I want to live the comfortable and entertaining lifestyle that I have become accustomed to. I work in a hospital but I loathe the old and the infirm. I do almost nothing to help the earth, society, or my community. I rarely even recycle. If someone actually reads this, please, do not reward my achievements. The relatively high GPA and grades I have received are nothing compared to my potential. I could have done this in my sleep. I have actually slept through much of my "academic" life. The people you should be rewarding are those in the 3.0 to 3.5 GPA range because those people are probably actually really stupid and have to try really hard to maintain such an average. I barely break a sweat. I am no scholar. Truly.

With Warm Regards,

Amanda Murphy

P.S. Some of this is true.

So, do you think they'll let me in?

now I forgot what I was going to say

I've started a new work schedule wherein I work on the weekends alone and by myself in the evenings and for hours and hours. It is quite quiet and quite slow and quite lonely. If you are ever just hanging out on a Saturday or Sunday night and feel like emailing me or something feel free. I downloaded that Illinois album that that sufjen guy made. Justin had sent me a CD with one of the songs on it. And I love him, despite really believing that I had met my quota of singer songwriter types in my music collection. I want to make an Andrew bird/sufjan stevens casserole wherein I am also one of the ingredients. And then we can move to Chicago and sing songs about how great it is and how they invented the Ferris wheel.

I am completely addicted to web sudoku mostly because of the previously mentioned weekend hours at work during which time I do completely nothing for 7 hours. Except explore the internets, watch videos, play sudoku, blog, and read blogs, do homework, etc, etc. I can't tell you how much I love this job.

I took the picture that I posted previously at the hospital. I took a few hospital pictures because I like all the weird hospital gizmos that are all over the place. And this one was really nice and red and shiny. I have some others on my flickr page. I posted it because I was experimenting with the "blogthis" feature of flickr and wanted to see what it would look like. I wasn't particularly impressed.

The other great part of working nights is that I can listen to the radio on my computer and have been listening to Ira Glass a lot. I don't want to marry him but I do want to do what he does for a living. I think it would be a really great job and I think I would love it. I really should have gone into radio. I am perfect for it, really. I've even had several people tell me, "Your face is... more suited for... radio." How flattering.

I'm thinking of trying to do some audio things on this blog and I'm also thinking of making short videos to put here. I think it would be fun. I like talking more than writing. Sometimes I wish I could just dictate these blogs. I would have a lot more to say that way. Because I never stop talking. Even when nobody is around. I do my best talking in my car. I love my car because I can just talk and talk and talk without worrying about whether or not someone my walk in on me talking to myself or overhear anything I'm saying. I do have a paranoia, which I've had since I've been driving, that someone will put some sort of recording device in my car. Of course, that is even more fun to imagine because then I have an audience.

Oooh, I just had an idea.

RVMC Hospital pipes and whatnots

RVMC Hospital pipes and whatnots 1
Originally uploaded by apants.

look

Happy New Year!

I celebrate the new year as the ancient Mayans did. On January 13th. I was up late last night, drinking champagne, setting off fireworks, making noises on noise-makers. Talk about the least original name ever for something so fun and annoying! Kazoo. Now there's a name for an annoying fun thing that makes noise! No, we'll call these guys "noise-makers." Clever.

I don't really do any such thing as celebrate new years on january 13th. That is ridiculous. Shame on you for believing me. Fool you once, shame on you! Fool you twice, double dumb-ass shame on you! Remember in Star Trek I think the 4th the one with the Whales when some punk guy calls spock a dumb-ass and kirk says that he has to get with the lingo of the times or something like that and spock is all like "Double dumb-ass on you!" Golden.

Actually, I was planning on doing this whole Amandapant's year in review sort of thing and I was really going to go for it, blow by blow, blog by blog. I got as far as february for notable happenings and then gave up. Part of it was going to be the best comment of a particular month but since february probably had the best comments, in thread form, of the whole year anyway, I'm posting what was to be the february entry here. You'll just have to imagine what the rest of the months recaps would have looked like. Just imagine it.

February 2006 Notable Events: Reading my blog, I guess the most notable thing was that I seemed insanely happy. Some people died, which is also notable, which took the edge off my happyness a little bit. Thanks a lot.Also I wrote, "I'm thinking of becoming an academic." The first outward mention of my plans for possibly going to grad school. Also, I was in a play. Perhaps the last play I'll ever be in.

Best comments:This is a whole comment thread because it was hilarious.
Aunt Faintly said... When I was about 13-years old I was in the car with my parents and saw that someone had scrawled on the wall "Jody is a CUNT" So I had to ask them what a cunt was. They wouldn't tell me.

apants said... cunt cunt cunt. What a word, eh? My parents would have totally told me what it was. In fact, I don't remember ever not knowing what a cunt was. "Shut your cunt-face!" my dad would tell my mom. "Your cunt of a mother is on the phone!" my mother would report to my father. Yes I learned early on in life that a cunt was a girl. Like Me! Your parents probably didn't tell you because they thought you were stupid for not figuring it out by the scrawled message. Jody, you see, is a non-gender specific name. So the person doing the scrawling was just making sure that people understood that this Jody has a bergina. How about Cunt Haske!

apants said... You were THIRTEEN and you didn't know what a cunt was? Geez. What a cunt you were.

apants said... I guess I shouldn't make fun. I didn't know what a rusty trombone was until a few days ago. Now I can't get enough!

apants said... I have a similar story. When I was about 10 I was watching TV with my sister who is 7 years older than me so she would have been like 17. The word Dildo was uttered on whatever we were watching. Probably not something suitable for a 10 year old but my family was always kind of lax when it came to suitability. Can you tell? Anyway, my sister didn't know what a dildo was! And she was almost in college!! I couldn't believe she didn't know what it was but I was too embarrassed to really explain it to her. But she really wanted to know. I think I said it was a fake weener or something along those lines. My sister was such a dildo.

apants said... dildo dildo cunt cunt rusty trombone. I looove the internet!!!!

apants said... Good thing no one will read all these comments.

Anonyma said... No, it wasn't that I didn't know what a dildo was... it was that I didn't know what it looked like. It was that movie Parenthood and somehow all the lights go out and Steve Martin's trying to find a flashlight and the lights come back on and he's holding a vibrator.
Then there was the time when I was thirteen and Adrian and Michael's cousin came to visit and she and her brother asked me and Myles if we wanted to do some lines and I was picturing drawing lines on pieces of paper. Myles coolly answered no for us, fortunately. So I didn't have to be disappointed that it wasn't going to be a doodling party!

Anonymous said... But I will admit that I never really learned to masturbate, whereas you were a pro from, like, age 12.

J Boyn said... I came upon this comments thread late but I verify that its the hardest i've laughed at work in ages.

Best February Post Title: "Said steam, steam, a hundred bad dreams, going up to harlem with a pistol in his jeans" Tom Waits. And I like it because before I looked it up for this blog post I thought he was saying "Steam, Steam, Underpant dreams."

Best February "The State" reference: "I love: Michael Showalter. The Baxter. Here is a picture of him that I took after we got into a big fight one morning. But he apologized and bought me a pool table afterwards. Which was nice of him. And then we both took a little catnap and woke each other when the sloppy joes were ready. It was a lovely day."

I also did January but January is lame. Even in Spanish, January is lame. Enero.

I sent off my first grad school application today. There is a whole bunch of other stressfull crap I could go on and on about this process but I won't because it will only stress me out more. It suffices to say that my problems have to do with 1/15 being a holiday, not receiving my 3rd letters of recommendations from she who shall remain nameless until I receive her letters, and also not receiving my humboldt transcripts in a timely fashion . It suffices to say. The one I sent out was for the city university of new york and don't tell anyone, (this is a big secret) but I hope against all hopes that I get in here. And I hope that Johanna doesn't mind if I make her pay for the debts that William still owes me by letting me crash at their sweet coolcat pad for a little while so that I can get settled there if they let me in. Don't tell! Big Secret!

Also, has anyone heard about this David Beckham playing in America thing? That is so crazy! This is like Michael Jordan deciding instead of trying to play major league baseball, he would instead just go play basketball in like Ireland or something. It is simply crazy! Some people who read this might not know that the only sport I've ever really been interested in is soccer as I played it for many years in my youth, in highschool, and for a few years in the intramural leagues in college. I used to really believe in the idea of a massive soccer surge in America being just a few years away but in the last 14 years since I really started to believe this, I've seen little evidence that attitudes toward soccer in America are going to change very quickly. My first thought when I read about this Beckham thing was, "Here it is! Now things are really gonna change!" But I really don't know how one superstar could really turn things around, especially since he is really at the tail end of his career now. If he and Posh spice stay in america and raise their children here, perhaps we will see an american superstar soccer player in a few years in the form of his oldest son. Until then, that Freddie Adu kid is the best bet for an American soccer superstar.

been a long time comin' baby.

Sup Y'all.

Yo

So I've been avoiding blogging because I had what I thought was this great idea of starting a new blog called StoryPants where I relate stories. Stories that I tell, because if you know me you know that I often have a story to tell. I think it was Steve that told me once that he likes my stories but they never seem to have a point. But that is because he never really got the point. What, do I have to spell it out? I would also include stories that other people tell me. Like when a professor tells some story in his or her lecture? There is one post right there. Or when my brother comes home from work and says, "guess what happened at work today?" There's another. And the beauty of the new blog is that I force myself to write something EVERY DAY.

I think what happened was the prospect of forcing myself to write something EVERY DAY scared me off from even just writing stuff in this blog. But I think I'm still going to try it. We'll see. Also, people can leave stories in the comments or email me if they want a story included. But there will be no anonymity except in rare situations where I make an exception.

School started back again today.

Happy New Year and shit.

I've been reading a lot of Mick LaSalle's Blog.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/mlasalle/index
He is a movie critic for the SF Chronicle and I've been angry at him since I was like 12. I always always read the pink pages when I was growing up with my parents in Yrethra on a Sunday Morn and he used to make me so mad. I think it is a sign of me being an old hag now that I actually kind of like what he has to say about movies and other things. Especially since he thinks Click was one of the best movies of the year. And also since he is a raging liberal who seems to hate Christians even though he likes to pretend that he is moderate and doesn't hate Christians. He is plugging this weird on-line novel he is writing called "The Event" which I like the premise of (the rapture happens but instead of right leaning Christians being taken up to heaven, truly "goodhearted" people like Sarah Jessica Parker and Howard Stern are) and theoretically I would love to read an entire novel that bashes the christian right but it is really hard for me to actually enjoy it beyond the cutesyness of Mr. Mick being able to decide, as if he were god, who among us would be called up to heaven should the rapture come. He posed an question in his blog in order to plug his on-line book further, asking who his readers think would be taken up in the rapture. I haven't added my two cents to theirs but I think this would be a fun party game. Or a fun card in apples to apples. Like when my dad put down "The Japanese" for "Trustworthy" and won that hand. Only this would be "Mostly likely to be taken up to heaven in the rapture." And I guess my dad could still play his "The Japanese" card.

I was thinking on my drive home today about the rapture and what a great marketing scheme it is for the evangelicals. I can't tell you how many times growing up I had very concerned friends try to convert me by using the rapture as bait. They did not want to see me get left behind. They fervently believed that they had to save as many souls as possible otherwise what would be the fun of being up in heaven with god and a bunch of goodiegoodies if you had to leave people you cared about behind? And I wondered, Mick Lasalle, if Sarah Jessica Parker is taken up to heaven, what about Matthew Broderick? What about James Wilke Broderick? What is so great about leaving your friends and family back on earth while you enjoy heaven? So you'd better get out there and convert those friends and family ASAP. You'll feel so much guilt in heaven if you don't. Do you feel guilt in heaven?

I know that the kids I grew up with were not savvy enough to understand that they were involved in this grand pyramid scheme where if they save two souls they get into heaven, but I wonder about Evangelical leaders. The people who put this message out to their flocks. Do they really buy into the idea or is it just a way to get people to do their dirty work, bringing as many people into their particular sect as they can?

And then Frank the Tard (http://avantard.livejournal.com/) posted a link to this article today:
http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2007/01/08/fascism/index_np.html
You know how sometimes you learn a new word or hear some one's name for the first time or learn some new fact and then you hear that same thing like 5 times in the same day? Or week? Or whatever? Well, I guess this doesn't really count as that because I sort of seek out liberal leaning diatribes that question religion. But I will pull this quote from that article because I think it was sort of exactly what I was thinking as I was driving home today:

"I think they're completely conscious of it. The level of manipulation is quite sophisticated. These people understand the medium of television, they understand the despair and brokenness of the people they appeal to, and how to manipulate them both for personal and financial gain. I look at these figures, and I would certainly throw James Dobson in there, or Pat Robertson, as really dark figures."

This is actually related to whether or not this writer thinks that Christian groups want to impose a totalitarian system but I think that what he says about the manipulation of the people they appeal to can be applied to the idea of the rapture being used as a way to manipulate people to gain more followers rather than a legitimate concern for the souls of those who would be left behind.

I remember that I asked my parents about the rapture, somewhat worried that my friends were telling me the truth and that my parents and family just didn't know about it. They said that my friends were just trying to scare me and that there would be no end times. In my child's mind that immediately relegated the rapture to the same category of the Boogieman or Bloody Mary. Frightening, but confirmed by my parents, who knew pretty much everything, to be a story and not real. I still can't believe there are adults who believe this stuff but I guess if my parents had said "Yep, the end times are nigh, better pray to Jesus for redemption," I might have turned out differently. Thank God they didn't. Thank the Lord Jesus H. Christ.