Arghrhghurghghgh!!! I've given up the ghost.

But not the liquor. Yet. Have I mentioned I've been making some strides in becoming an alcoholic? Slow and steady, but I feel I am winning the race. Does anyone else leave empty cardboard beverage things in their refrigerator? I have three in there now. Not just from alcohol, mind you, but the point is, who has the time to take them out of the fridge and put them in the trash? And also, as my aunt pointed out to me recently in her blog, why does the word "fridge" have a "d"? I mean, does it? Maybe it doesn't? Maybe we just put it in there because we are retarded. Or am I the only Retardge? Ha!

In regards to the podcast: Fuck Off. Fuck off, man. I don't have time for this shit. Actually I have all the time in the world. I think that is part of the problem. I'm not living enough of a life to have something interesting to say every week or every other week. I've recorded many many minutes of things for my podcast this week and last week but I just can't get it done because I hate it all. I hate everything that comes out of my fucking dirty mouthhole.

I saw Superbad tonight. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. I loved it, as you might have ascertained. I don't remember laughing that hard or loving that much in a long time. And it is official: I am asking Michael Cera to marry me. Officially, here on my blog, Michael Cera! Please marry me!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least come over to my house with a big bag of weed and hang out. That is the least you could do, fuckwad. Jesuswad. Slimehelper. That is my worse insult I just made up. Slimehelper. It sounds like some character out of the Masters of the Universe Universe. Like Skeletor's minion, slimehelper. God I am a fucking dorkaholic.

So what! Fuck your mom!

It has been the kind of week where you know that you'll never survive it and then you murder some people just to get through it.

I just noticed a new icon called "Add Video." Huh. Maybe I'll have to add some video. Maybe. Maybe you'll have to. I'm here on Joppa Road. I mean, I'm here at work. I mean, I'm here at the old Robot Parts Factory.

Notable things since my last post:

Today: Went to work early because my co-worker is crazy. She had to go home crazy. Discovered The Whitest Kids You Know on the youtubes. Look it up. I'd link to it but my work computer won't let me look at stuff on youtube so I can't give you a link to a video. Their regular website is http://www.whitestkids.com. So there you go. They are amusing. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yesterday: My co-worker cried at me. I told her "I don't want to hear about it." She thanked me for stopping her from getting all upset. I said, "no problem." Later she called me from home because she wanted to know if I could come in early today. See above. What a loooooney binner.

Friday: What happened on friday? I can't remember. Probably not much. Listen, I've been playing a lot of Age of Empires III so the days are kind of all blending together. I think I probably got up and made some instant coffee and then played Age of empires for a while and then went to work. If I was a betting man, that's what I'd bet on. I'd put a thousand dollars on that scenario.

The rest of the days were probably about the same. I've got some thing to say about instant coffee though. You probably stopped for a moment when you read that and said to yourself, "Why instant coffee?" Or "Why does she mention specifically instant coffee?" Here's the thing. Some ants made a colony out of my coffee maker. I thought I had taken care of it but I've been scared to use my coffee maker again. When I say that they made a colony out of it, I'm being quite literal. They had their eggs there and everything. It think the maintenance guy that was at my apartment must have disturbed their actual home and they had to pick up and movie. I don't want to go into the details as to why I've had a maintenance guy at my home. It is too depressing. Lets just say he had to check out some of my pipes, if you catch my drift. Ewww. But to make a long story short, I've been enjoying instant coffee and I like it more than regular coffee. For one thing, it smells really nice. And the coffee it makes tastes just like it smells. And it is easy and fast and for one person who drinks one, maybe two, cups a day instant coffee is the way to go. You heard it here first. Podcast tomorrow, slutbags. Dirty Dirty slutbags. When is my vacation? Tomorrow? Not for like two weeks? I want it noooooooooowww. Don't care how.

Oh, and I got a flat tire last sunday and so I bought two new front tires because the other one was completely bald like the eagles of yore. I am newly tired.

I forgot to post this!

Justin found this ad in the newspaper and clipped it out and scanned it. This was all a few days ago and I totally forgot to put it up on my blog. Actually, it was last Monday, for chrissakes. That was, like, eons ago!


Also, who do we know from Aberdeen, Washington or thereabouts? Tuney, maybe someone you know?

Now filled with filth and foul disease

I don't know.

I'm trying to delve into the depths of my thoughts to write something here. Normally, I don't have far to delve because I am quite shallow. I usually have something to say about something I saw on t.v. or read in US magazine. Not today. I thought that if I came here and just started typing something would come up that was interesting. I think I might have overestimated myself. I do have one new thing to report and I am so excited about it! My little cousin and my Aunty Tuney Baloooney and I are going to take a road trip next month. We are going to be traveling down the California coast and we might even make a quick detour to my old happy hunting hound grounds, Humboldt County, U.S.A. Then we will make our way down to the area by the bay where we have already booked a nice little hotel room in Santa Rosa. I'm sure we'll be spending a lot of time with my little niece and my little nephew and my sister and brother-in-law. Also, I hope we get to do some silly touristy things in San Francisco because I feel like I need to go to the Planetarium. It has been tooooo long. The last time I did touristy stuff in San Francisco was when I was living in Palo Alto with my sister and Will and Johanna were in Santa Cruz being girl scouts and I kidnapped them and we all went to the city and looked around. That was in 2002. I am very very very much looking forward to this trip. I think we are going to have so much fun and get into so much trouble and I think there might be horseplay and hi jinx.

Well, I'm off to do the ever loving roller skate rag.

All Around Around The Around The Town Around

Since my McSweeney's debut I have received a few fan emails. I assume these guys want to bone the fictional "me" from my list. First was this one:

"Mandy,

I just read your bit "Freudian Notes My Hasty Doctor Wrote in My Medical Chart" and it is very clever and funny. Thanks for making me laugh today.

Regards,

Steve Name Deleted"

Polite enough, right? Then this one:

"I thought your list at McSweeny's was interesting. Bet there's an equally
interesting story behind it. Made me laugh.

Sam Name Deleted"

And this one just today, which was just a name, a phone number, and some weird quotes:

"Mannella
215-597-0481
"One of my most respected eaters." - Ron Nichipor
"Because he's good." - Rick Blasingim
"Showed remarkable restraint." - Len Roberts"

I googled this last guy and found that he also had a couple things on McSweeney's so that must be where he got my email and must be why he emailed me but it was such a weird email. I emailed him back saying, "I don't really have nice tits. I'm a very butch lesbian. Thanks for you interest. P.S. Your list was boring."

I just think it is bizarre that men would email me based on this thing just because I wrote something, sight unseen. Weirdos.

Podcast #5 - Best or Worst Ever? You decide!

Gabcast! Diapantscast #10 - Podcast #5 - Worstest In the West

Best Podcast Ever, Worst Podcast Ever, Emails from Uncle Daddy, Podcast Ideas, and more!

Behind in my arts

I didn't do a podcast this week because I had a shitty week. Also, I got two new video games and they've been taking up a lot of my time. But I will be putting up a new podcast in the next few days. Promises have been made. Before you go thinking that I am slacking in my duties as a pure hearted artist who has never once sold out to the man, check out this new piece of "art" I contributed recently:

High Art

Mine's the second one down if you decide to scroll down a bit. It is 150 words long so it won't kill you to read it.

FYI - You smell a little like vinegar and rot. I'm only telling you because we are such good friends.

Thanks to shut up sara for this link

Zach Galifinakiakaikisssikis and Kanye West, together at last.

http://www.kanyewest.com/?content=video_cant_tell_alt

Soda Shop

I have become obsessed obsessed with this song. Obsessed. This guy was in Shortbus, which I mentioned in the post below. I watched the movie yesterday and was not really blown away with it but I was charmed by this guy and I can't get enough of this song.

Flicks-Flix My friend Flicka-Movie-Flicks

Yesterday I watched Shortbus and today I watched Dreamgirls. Have you ever had this experience? Where you see a movie and it is so uncomfortable to watch but sort of interesting enough to keep watching, at least as much as you wonder to yourself if this movie is horrible crap or completely beyond you and your square uptightness in it's coolness and geniousity? I'm sure that's how a lot of people felt when they saw, say, A Clockwork Orange for the first time. Shortbus was like that for me. I spent 33.33% of the movie watching it through the fingers on the hands that I kept having to hold up in front of my face. There is a lot of sex in it. Unsimulated sex. Unsimulated and not very glamorous or artsily filmed sex. And lots of it. And not just the old in-out, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. All kinds of acts that I had only until now imagined might be possible and some I would not have even thought of as I am not a gay man. But on the whole, I really liked the movie. The music is really nice. There were a couple of songs I liked so much I had to rewind to listen to them again and then I downloaded them off of the innertubes.

Dreamgirls was pretty good. No dirty sex though. You can't have everything.

Lists, the McSweeney's kind.

Here
is the link to the Lists. Mine is the first one.
I already got an email from a stranger thanking me for making him laugh today. And I got another email asking me if I want to contribute to some other online thingy. I am the belle of the ball.