McSweee's Lists

After reading this great essay about McSweeneys and David Eggers and how to become a McSweeney's author, I was inspired to write this list and submit to the website's Lists. I am always amused by these lists. Aren't you?

Freudian Notes My Hasty Doctor Wrote in My Medical Chart
(to be dedicated to the memory of Michael Moore, filmmaker, bon vivant, upon his eventual CIA backed execution in Bolivia)

F/U RE: Chest XR, cough

Chesty Resluts:

Hard size is prominent, slightly enlarged.

Otherwise normal examination of breasts.

F/U in my office 1 mo or sooner if symptoms persist.

Nice Tits.

Mushaboom

This one is also great!

Feist - 1 2 3 4

This is great! Watch it if you believe in goodness and light.

Free-bees Free Mumia Free to be You and Me Free

My titles have very little to do with my posts. I know, right? I've got absolutely nothing to say about anything but I am beating my own personal record of 18 posts in one month. So far, in the almost 3 years I've been blogging, the most posts I've had in one month is 18. This is my 19th for June 2007! So Wham, motherfuckers! On The Daily Show the other day with Bruce Willis John Stewart asked him if there is a great catchphrase in the new die hard movie like Yippee-Ki-Yay motherfucker and Bruce said Justin Long suggested Yabadabadoo... motherfucker. Some of the funniness was in his delivery but you get the gist. That reminds me, check out this really funny website with people who review movies that they haven't seen:

http://www.didntseeit.com/

Funny reviews!

My hair is getting sooo long. I'm never cutting it again. Except for trimming because that is essential for healthy hair. Although with the amount of gray coming in and the amount of dye it is going to take to cover all that gray, I should just give up and shave it all off. That, by the way, is probably why the older ladies always cut their hair. It is a bitch to dye long hair. A bitch.

To Do List - Laundry
Dishes
Your Mom
Vacuum
Cash Check
Get Oil Changed
Find good body dumping ground
Clean Toilet

I have a pet spider. Every night when I get home from work and go to use the euphemism, I see him there across from me in the corner next to the shower. I think I'm going to name him Baby because nobody puts Baby in a corner, he puts himself there. I've thought about killing him but usually I just talk to him. And I've never seen him anywhere else except for in this one corner of the bathroom. So let's just live and let live, I say. All bets are off, however, If I catch him trying to get fresh in my bed. Then it will be Boomsday for Baby (Boomsday, the book by Christopher Buckley, because that is the largest book I have next to my bed right now).

Other people's dreams are boring

But I dreamt last night that I had to have surgery and was in the hospital for about 2 weeks and there were all these complications and when I was finally being released, after one surgeon went over the head of another and let me go even though I needed some other procedure done, when I was finally being released, I thought to myself, "Gosh, nobody knows I've been in the hospital. I'd better go home and blog about it right now!" and then I started to plan out how I would describe it and whether or not I should reveal certain aspects since I didn't want to worry anyone. This morning, as I was sitting here reading my salon and my email and my news and my blogs, I thought, "What was it that I was going to blog about today? There was something very serious that I needed to write about. What was it?" Then I remembered that it was my horrible ordeal in the hospital that never actually happened.

Hell is other people, said Sartre.

I've been boning up on my writers and their well known works because if I decide to apply to grad school again it will be for Literature and I'll have to take the Literature Single Subject GRE in the fall. Yesterday I boned up on Solzhenitsyn, Sartre, and Kafka. I love reading the wiki articles on writers. Most people have such interesting lives and writers are the most interesting to me. Also, with all the links to other things I feel like I learn so much. Like, for instance, I didn't know what the vichy law (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statute_on_Jews) was until yesterday. I had heard of it but I had never really know what it actually was. Now I know. I have never been one of those people who looks things up that I don't understand or don't know about when I read. Remember that scene in Say Anything when John Cusack is in Ione Skye's room while she is getting dressed and he sees the big dictionary with a whole bunch of pencil marks next to the words and she tells him that every time she came across a word she didn't understand she would look it up and he looks through the dictionary and like, ALL the words are marked and that is supposed to indicate that she is really smart? I always thought, can't she just get what the word means by the context? What an idiot. I figure that I'll get it by the context and if I don't then I never remember it anyway. I read The Metamorphosis yesterday off of project Gutenberg with zapreader. It took me 45 minutes. It is really great. The hype is all true. You should check it out. And if you don't know what zapreader is you should check it out too. I love it. I've read lots of stuff online that I normally wouldn't have spent the time on but with zapreader you can read it so fast and it is so easy. I read most of Uncle Tom's Cabin with it. I read the first quarter in book form and it took me like a week. I read the rest of it in like 3 days with zapreader.

I think Kafka and I would have been good friends.

This brings me to one more little thing. When I was at Humboldt I did a play called Hunting Cockroaches that a lot of my friends and family saw. It was the first big role I had in college and I got a lot of attention for it, which was great. But of that entire experience I remember one comment someone made more than almost anything else. And I remember it almost daily. It was after opening night and some people I knew from the theater department were waiting outside the dressing room door to see me and some of the other actors to tell us how wonderful we all were. I hate this crap. It is awkward. But this night this woman who was kind of a big deal in the theater department as an actress came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me how great she thought I was and then she said, "I always thought you were just this bookworm." It sounds harmless enough now, but it really took me aback at the time. Because I doubt she had ever seen me read a book. I had classes with her and I rarely even came to class. Was it because I wear glasses? Now that I am a bookworm, now when I walk around reading all the time at work and at school and around town, I think about this comment. It makes me self conscious about reading. I'm worried that people will think I am just this bookworm instead of the amazing and dynamic personality that I really am. And then I think, that is so lame, no one cares.

One of THOSE people.

I've been very busy today posting comments on the various and sundry blogs that I frequent. Actually, just two today, but I am becoming one of those people. Those people who thinks that what they think must must must be put out there, in the ether, for the masses. Well, obviously, I have this blog so that must be true, you are probably thinking. But a blog is a passive thing, you know. Passive in that you have to come to me. That's why I hate this blog so much. I wish I could force you to read it and respond but I can't so instead I go to other people's blogs and respond to the dumb things that people I don't know have to say. Here is what I've been up to today. I think I'll post them completely out of context so they seem crazier.

These were in response to some dicks on the Ross Report on the SF Chronicle's website:

And be grateful he didn't get a staph infection and that his illness isn't chronic. Our american health system deals quite well with illness like pneumonia but anything requiring long term treatment, forget about it. Not to mention preventative medicine...
Posted By: amandapants June 24 2007 at 02:26 PM


I'm not afraid to say it!Not only are they (doctors) one large cause (perhaps not the main cause) of costs getting out of control but they are also one of the main reasons why it will be nearly impossible for the U.S. to have a national health system. You see, then the doctors would have to work for the government. I know way too many doctors than I would like to, and none of them would go for this, not even the most self-proclaimed bleeding heart liberal among them. For some reason they don't mind practically being employed by gigantic evil pharmaceutical companies by getting kickbacks for using their products, but the government, no way! It'll be like pulling teeth to get these asshats to do what they actually swore to do because they want 2-3 gigantic SUVs instead of just one, and 2-3 gigantic homes instead of one. And you know who are the biggest bitchers and complainers about the way hospitals and clinics treat them as patients? Doctors. They expect to be treated like royalty if one so much as stubs a toe. I can't tell you how many times I've seen doctors get a million free and unnecessary exams by going behind the backs of the administrative side of things and bullying imaging techs, lab techs, ER personnel, and Nurses into providing care for them for free and without the proper protocols that are in place for safety (not to mention legal reasons) that they themselves helped put into practice!
Posted By: amandapants June 24 2007 at 05:02 PM

Yes, I for one really dropped the ball when I developed Type I Diabetes. What was I thinking. And I have become far too lazy and dependent on insulin. I know, I'll give it up, die, and no one will have to pay a dime!
Posted By: amandapants June 24 2007 at 05:31 PM

oh, and by the way, far more people don't seek health care when they should than do.
Posted By: amandapants June 24 2007 at 05:32 PM

And this is what I posted on Mick LaSalle's blog for the Chronicle sort of regarding Bush's approval rating dropping even further in the latest polls.

Wow, Ursa totally agreed that he/she got schooled in regards to the Godwin thing but neither of you barely even skip a beat in continuing to nitpickingly argue about each other's fallacies. I think you two should get a room like Ferrethead and that other guy did. How is that going, anyway?
Posted By: amandapants June 24 2007 at 02:35 PM

Mick said, "I thought for sure 3 out of 10 Americans were so deluded that they'd never come around."How does this work, anyway? I mean, did someone really JUST decide that the guy sucks? Really? Just now? And what turned them? Are they polling people who just got out of comas? People who just finished their adult literacy program and finally picked up a newspaper? I would have thought, like Mick suggests, that these people who were supporting him all through this would be die hard crazies like the japanese soldier who I read once was found lost on like some deserted island or something who thought WWII was still going on years after because he believed the emperor would never give up and was infallible. Are they polling people who have been missing since 2001 and just turned up after being held captive in a cabin in the black hills?
Posted By: amandapants June 24 2007 at 02:49 PM

I just wiki'd that Japanese guy and apparently, he is still alive. He finally surrendered in 1974 so perhaps in 30 years or so those die hard Bush supporters will come around.Here is the link to the wiki article on him if you interested:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiroo_Onoda
Posted By: amandapants June 24 2007 at 02:59 PM

I enjoy myself so much.

Aunty Tooony is bored. Boo Hoo Hoo.

Hey, didja notice how I changed the title of my blog? Except that I think they might have moved the date up. I heard something to that effect. If they did, you should still go see it. And you don't have to see it June 29th. You could see it after that date. I just think you should see it, is all. In fact, if you want to see it sooner, I might know a guy (wink wink) who could maybe let you know how you might be able to see it sooner (wink wink). Maybe it, uh, fell off a truck, maybe. Yeah, that's the ticket.

I'm uploading some pictures of the wedding I went to today. Let me just tell you, I was so cute! But none of the pictures that I have are of me. Too bad for you! I have a terrible sun rash now though. There was some drama when the father of the bride was very late and so we all had to sit for about 20 minutes in the direct sun and I didn't think to bring any sun screen. I'm itching like a mother. Like your itchy mother. I use the words itching and scratching and itchy and scratchy interchangeably. Does that make me white trash and a redneck? Yes.

Here are a couple pictures

This is the bride and groom, Angelina and Casey:

This is adorable little Elias, the son of my coworker Gary and his wife Lanessa:

There are many more on Flickr, if you are interested. http://www.flickr.com/photos/diapantsies/

Also, I watched Waitress tonight and it was really good! I'm sad that lady got murdered because I liked her movie. And Kerri Russell used to really annoy me but I liked her in this. And Nathan Fillion called me up on the telephone this evening and said, "Hi! This is Nathan Fillion, captain of Serenity and the doctor guy in that Waitress movie, wanna make out?" And I said, "Sure, meet me at the top of the Eiffel Tower in one week's time and we will totally make out" And he said, "Okay." So that's all planned out.

What else? Oh yeah, I recently found out that I have Rickles. It is like Rickets, only you also become very extra ticklish in addition to the Rickets. I also have Crickles. This is just a bed full of Crickets which, if you have Rickles, can be very ticklish.

BTW, have I really seen Jeremy Sisto naked or near naked so many times that when Zach Braff takes off his clothes in tonight's SNL the first thing I think is, "Wow, he looks kind of like Jeremy Sisto Naked." Yes. Yes I have. Oh Billy Chenowith, all the Chenowiths, I miss you guys.

Shower the people

Oh James Taylor. Die already, right? I know, right?

I went to a bachelorette party on Saturday night. I danced and drank and came home and puked. It was great!

I got Alllll AAAAs this quarter. How did I do in Biology 103? I got an A. How did I do in Spanish 203? I got an A. How did I do in Creative Writing 241? I got an A. How did I do in my Capstone Project Class, AKA English 400? I got an A.

My name isn't A-mandapants for nothing. right?

My dad said that my uncle Joe (crazy uncle Joe) has offered me a free round trip ticket to Hawaii. I can't go because he wants me to go this weekend for some reason but he won't say why. My coworkers Angelina and Casey are getting married this weekend so Number 1, I have to go to the wedding and Number 2, I am working most of Angelina's hours while she is on her honeymoon which would be during the time that, for some undisclosed reason, Crazy Uncle Joe wants me to go to Hawaii. Why? You're guess is as good as mine. Actually, my guess might be better because you probably can't truly appreciate the craziness of crazy uncle Joe. But if you are a family member or if you happen to know uncle Joe, then you're guess is as good as mine. If not, your guess probably can't even cover the possibilities of crazy uncle Joe's motives. Because this guy is fucking crazy. It would take a long time to tell you, anecdotally, how much so. But here is a clue that I found on the internets.

This I found, for some bizarre reason, in the Marshall Island Chamber of Commerce meeting minutes from 8/06 and these were part of the remarks of the Chamber President:

Shortly before all the proverbial crap hit the fan for the Majuro Chamber of Commerce and its president last month, Joe Murphy stopped me one day out in front of the post office, and remarked, “You know, Jack, your profile is getting to be a bit too high.” My initial reaction was to shrug my shoulders and keep walking… After a few steps, however, I stopped because it occurred to me that the guy who just spewed out that advice was the author of numerous island novels such as “Confessions of a Nice Bitch,” and my personal favorite, “Retirement Plan: The True Story of the Death of Al Wong.” That is when I thought--if only for a brief, fleeting moment--that maybe I should heed Joe’s formidable words of caution. No, I then rationalized, this is the Marshall Islands, I have been out here for 25 years, what could possibly go wrong? How little do I sometimes know… After the awful experience at the Nitijela hearing last month (and the subsequent nightly overdoses of Advil), with a vengeance and with repetition Joe’s words of warning came flooding back into my brain. I began to ponder, is Joe Murphy a prophet? And, maybe Joe Murphy is always right like he keeps telling us he is…

I can't help but wonder what the awful experience he talks about was, and what Joe was so prophetic about. I found this because I had this great plan to take Uncle Joe up on his offer and go to Hawaii and either just disappear for a week or two, or however long I'd have there, just to take advantage of the tickets while avoiding whatever it is that uncle Joe wants me to do, OR, use the experience as writing fodder to document the whole experience, including the initial phone call I got from my dad, and turn it into like some This American Life-type story. I'll transcribe the initial phone call for you here:

"Well goddamn it, here it is father's day and you haven't called me. And that really bugs me. Anyway, I got a call from my brother Joe today. And for some reason he wanted to know, "How's Mandy doing? How's Mandy doing? Kept on asking, "How's Mandy doing?" Yeah, we'd talking about something, and he'd "Oh yeah, by the way, How's Mandy doing?" "So whatdya, what's this with Mandy? What do you want to talk about her for?" He said, "Well, I just wanted to know how she's doing" So I told her (sic) how you were doing but he wasn't listening. He had some scam going. Anyway, He wants to give you, um, free, round trip tickets, from, uh, uh to, Honolulu and back, and while you're there, you, to visit his daughter, Peggy, who's coming up from New Zealand. This would be starting June 24th and for the next two weeks, if you can do something like that. Let us know, if that's possible, okay? You know my number. Bye Bye."

Weird, huh? Yeah. Weird. It is very weird for Joe to ask about me. It isn't like he is one of a like a couple uncles that I have or that I am like one of a couple nieces and/or nephews that he has. He has like 50+ nieces and nephews and I have like, 9 uncles... I think. If you count Jesus, because my aunt the nun is a bride of Christ, then that rounds it out to 10. And if you count the divorced uncles, then there's more. Do you count those? I don't now. Anyway, the point is, Joe and I aren't especially close. I'm surprised he even remembered my name. In fact, he was probably thinking of Marya this whole time. Maybe he was. That could very well be...

You too can be entertained

http://www.hbo.com/conchords/?ntrack_para1=leftnav_category0_show4

That's a link to the first episode of the flight of the conchord's show on HBO. Pleasure yourself with that, bitches.

Well, I'm off to bed, ragweed face.

Hooked

I've been reading Overheard.com (overheard in new york, the office, the beach, and everywhere) ever since Avantard got me hooked on it from posting excerpts on his blog. I just had to post this one and recommend that if you don't already, you should check overheard.com out. It can pass lots of time but is great for people with short attention spans.

Boys Are Quick to Master No-Dish Meals
from Overheard in New York

Kid #1: ... So then I took a waffle and I filled it with eggs and grits and syrup, and I folded the whole thing up and ate it like a taco...
Kid #2: What? You're going to catch diabetes that way!
Kid #3: What are grits, anyway? What do grits taste like?
Kid #1: Syrup. They taste like syrup.

--Canarsie-bound L train

I caught my diabetes from a toilet seat, but this way is better.

We're Getting a New Deal for Christmas!

So here is the possible new deal. Tell me what you think of it but please do not take into account the poem that I posted a few days ago.

Re-apply to grad school but just for Literature, nothing fancy. Apply to a bunch of schools instead of just a few (my dad told me he would help me pay for as many schools as I want to apply for since it gets pretty costly(one of the schools I applied to last year had a $110 application fee)). In the mean time, continue going to SOU and get a Creative Writing minor. I can do it easily in a year since I only need 20 credits to complete it. That would be taking 1-2 classes each quarter next year OR taking 3-4 for 2 quarters if I want to do it fast-like. Also, try to get something published and send out some of my essays to those essay contests I see all over the english department. That will help me get into grad school. God, it feels good to have a plan. How does it sound?

Woops.

http://blog.nbc.com/ross_blog/

Ross The Intern Mathews Talky Blog: pre-gym glory.

My favorite Homosexual. I'm going to add a link to his blog because I just enjoy him so much. He is a delight! A delight!!! Here is the link now so you don't have to wait. http://blog.nbc.com/ross_blog/atom.xml
Have a great day!

Poetry? Seriously, how gay am I? Gay as Gay Ray.

My aunt says that lesbians drive Subaru's. My car isn't a Subaru but everyone always mistakes it for one... Story of my life. Anway, here is a stupid poem I wrote about Yreka because I was feeling especially Yrekan today.

The Mean Streets of Y-Town

In the alley behind Third Street,
Where the crass orange oriental poppies grow fast
Like the milk-fed farm girls
(It's the hormones, I heard),
I watched my sister shit her spandex running pants
(do NOT tell her I told you so).

On Miner Street I staked a claim
Not for gold,
I’m not a greenhorn or fool,
Just a middle school kid
Walking home from Jackson Street to Oregon Street,
Taking the long way home,
Turning onto Miner
To score some free candy
From a guy the kids called Gay Ray.

Up Mt. Butcher Hill
My dad and sister and I planted bulbs.
One time I painted the fence white
In front of the Chinese cemetery

I never saw a llama on Yama but I always thought I might.

In this High Desert Siskiyou County City
We used to play under the streets when the creek went dry
We'd find beer cans, broken glass, used needles and underpants
(And one time, ka-ching, porn).

When the lake
(Greenhorn isn't a lake, it's a reservoir)
Dried up for so long
(I heard it drained into an old mine shaft and backed up into the CHP office, Ha! Do pigs swim?)
We could walk across it and feel like we were in the Gobi
Or Death Valley.
We could crawl on our bellies over the cracked ground and plead for "agua... agua...."
When we were kids, people who died in the desert spoke Spanish.

On Third Street I ran into a parked car
On my blue bike
Because I wasn't paying attention
Except to the oil spots on the road
That I needed to avoid with my front tire like cracks on the sidewalk,
But it was only three stitches.

On Gold Street, a lady bug flew in my ear and stuck, still flapping, on my eardrum.
No stitches, a lot of screaming,
A visit to Siskiyou General Hospital,
A Very long pair of tweezers,
A lot of water (to drown the poor thing)
And don't ever touch my ears or I'll hit you.

For Poetry, find a cowboy.

For Culture, find Sleazy Pierre (he's usually slinking around the Yreka Motel on North Main with beret, unless he died).

For Fine art, find the water tower.

For bread, tough luck. There is no Yreka Bakery, neither backward nor forward.

Wilford Brimley - The Beetis

Thanks Justin for finding this awesome video about Beetis!

Spree, non-shooting.

I bought some shit today, I did. I bought it all up. Clothes, shoes, bed raisers for better organization purposes (more room to throw shit under my bed), and a bed skirt (for the covering up of said shit). I am ready for summer time, babies. Poopy Babies. I am back into a little bit of a shoe fetish. I had stopped buying shoes a while back because I hated all the shoes. All of them. But now I like some of the shoes so I have just been going batshit crazy over shoes. I have bought I think 7 new pairs in the last 4 or 5 months. I bought rubber shoes today. They are really great. You would be so jealous. And they were really cheap because no one wants rubber shoes in the summer time. No one but me.

Did you know that Vince Vaughn is a republican? Yeah, totally. What a dick head.

Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

Giant's Causeway... of the soul.

Remember when I was so busy all the time and I never went to the movies even though this is one of my favorite pastimes? And then I started trying to fool myself into thinking that watching movies at home from the Netflixes was good enough? Remember that? Those days are over. O-V-E-R-E. The other day I saw Shrek and then yesterday I saw Knocked Up. I laughed. It actually WAS better than Cats. I'm not just saying that because it is a funny expression. Remember when I lied that I had tickets to see Cats and I was going to be giving them away? That was a good made up story lie. I am good at making up story-lies. I have been so incredibly social and busy lately that it is positively insane. Here is what I have been up to:

Okay... I lied. I haven't really been that busy or social. I did go to an English Department end of the year party yesterday for about an hour before I got physically ill since I hardly knew anyone there and didn't want to go at all and just couldn't think up an appropriate story-lie to tell the teacher who drug (dragged?) me there and even drove me herself in her car. So that was social, sort of. Sort of awfully social. Then today I went to a bridal shower which was actually very nice and much easier because I knew almost everyone there and there were things to do like eating and drinking and the opening up of presents. I really have grown to love shopping for and wrapping/preparing gifts. It is a joy. It is the only time that anything resembling craftiness comes out of me, unless you count my shifty-eyed craftiness which doesn't really come out of me either since it is always there, on the surface, watching you, and making plans and schemes. But for my gift today I actually used bright blue pipe cleaners to tie up things and stuff. Pipe Cleaners. It is like I am in the second grade. There are so many things you can do with pipe cleaners, people. So many things. I don't think anyone actually buys them to clean pipes, however. Do they? I mean, not brightly colored ones, surely. Right? I don't know. I'll have to do some market research, crunch some numbers. Yesterday I was visiting my grandmother, one of the other social things I did in the last couple days, and this guy on TV was talking about how he is in jail and hasn't seen his daughter for a while and then he said, "according to my calculations, I won't see her until she is (this many) years old" I forget how old he said she would be because I was too busy laughing at him talking about his calculations. Crazy jail man.

Knocked up was funny. Loudon Wainwright III was in it and the end credits featured 2 (TWO!) of his songs. Talk about awesome, right? I know, right? And Paul Rudd is the cutest cutest cutest in the whole whole world and I love him so much. It was great. Go see it with friends. Or alone, like I did.

Oh! I set up a time to get the Internet and cable hooked up at my humble abode so I will be set for life. For Life! I'll never ever have to leave Ashland ever again. Hey, you should movie here! It is so great! The weather, the people(well, not so much the weather and the people), the magical magical feelings you get walking around the town, it is truly God's Country. You put the cunt in God's country, Marigold. I only say that because Marigold recently revealed that the c-word is the only curse word she really does not like. So now Marigold IS the c-word, of course. To me. Better than being dead to me like she was. But seriously, all my friends should move to Ashland right now. K? Great. On to the next item of business.

Remember when I told you to watch Weeds? I mean it! I want to talk about it with someone but I don't know anyone who watches it! It is so great! Watch Weeds! It is like Six Feet Under meets Arrested Development! Only that is totally not true at all. It is neither of those things meets neither of those things. But it leaves me with similar feelings. And isn't that what counts? Isn't it? Is this the longest blog ever? A while back I decided to just write short blogs because sometimes I just have one little thing to say real quick and I think people probably like to just read short things that fill up less then one computer screen without having to scroll or click or be involved in any way. Well, fuck you!

I have so many things to discuss with you and I would like to do this over tea next Tuesday.

I've downloaded season one of Weeds, that Showtime show with Mary Louise Parker Mastrontonio, you know, the one about the suburban housewife who deals the maryjane. I loooove it. So I'm downloading season 2. I recommend it to all and sundry.

School is almost done! School is out, put your books away. Now is the time we leave for the day. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I make a nice go bow like this you see.
That was a song we sang every day in second grade when we would leave for the day. I have to work on my presentation for my senior capstone project thingy with my advisor tomorrow and then on Monday I have my Spanish final and then Tuesday I have my presentation to which you are all invited. It is Tuesday at 3:30pm and I am going first so get there early. It will be Central Hall room 270. On Wednesday at 7:30 in the freaking morning I have my Biology final and I also have to turn in my Creative Writing Portfolio. It will be the best Creative Writing Portfolio ever ever made by Mank-Ind.

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against? I have. I've been protested and demonstrated against. Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times!

I'm getting cable ASAP! I need to just embrace television. I need to embrace it as an old friend, my first friend, really. Television is the wave of the future. You heard it here first.

I almost forgot! Happy Birthday to Aunty Tooney Balooney, the blog of whom you can peruse by clicking on the link to your left. My left. She is 67 years old today. Or something like that. Maybe not that old. But she is pushing 60. Pushing it real hard. Push it. Push it real good. Remember that song? Was that Salt 'n Peppa? Let's talk about sex, Baby. Was that them too? What a great girl group.

Fudgecicles

So who is coming to visit me over the summer? You? It is high time I make some plans of my own. Vacation plans. You know what I'm talking about? I think I need to take a vision quest. You know how some people spend everyday around other people and then they take a vision quest and they go into the desert alone and find themselves? What fools. I take vision quests to the parking lot.

I'm in a parking lot right now, actually. I just watched Shrek the Third. It was pretty good. I give it three out of five Shreks. Not as good as the first one, as I overheard one guy say as he and his family came out of the theater. And I agree with him. Not as good as the second one, I don't think. Maybe. About the same. Comparable.

Sometimes I have to turn my car back on so I can turn on the heat. The craziest thing, there is snow in the hills around Ashland tonight! Actual snow in June! Global Warming my left foot. Actually, it has been quite warm over the last week or so and I even got a sunburn/rash on Sunday. I don't really get burned like I used to. Now I just get an itchy rash all over whatever is exposed to the sun. Gotta make that Vitamin D, gotta win that car.

Big assed men creep me out.

I made up some new songs. Some of you might have heard them. Some of you aren't so lucky or I forgot you. If so, drop me a line and I'll send them to you if you feel left out. I feel like my songwriting is tapping into this as-yet untapped well of creativity and geniousosity. It is really great to be me. Really great. And it is only the beginning! You thought that Leopards are Neat and the Thanksgiving Song were the beginning and the end, but you were wrong! You were dead wrong.

I can't be the only one

I love cuteoverload.com. Don't get me wrong. It is a great website. I don't have a problem with the website. But, does anyone else want to strangle the person who writes the cutesy baby talk commentary on the pictures? I want to strangle her. I want to rip her tongue out of her mouth and tie it around her fingers so that she will stop typing that stupid shit.

A-Z of Mandy (pants)

I stolled this off of Frank (avantard)
[A]- AVAILABLE: Widely
[B]- BIRTHDAY: July 6th, '78
[C] - CONFUSED: No, You're the one who's confused
[D] - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water, or technically a carmel latte since the water I am drinking right now.
[E] - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: My fambly and next would be Justin because he never shuts up.
[F] - FAVORITE MUSIC GROUP/BAND: The Murphy Family Singers AKA The Mount Butcher Hill Billy Boys
[G] - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Chocolate Covered Gummy Bears
[H]- HOMETOWN: Y-Town, Yrethra, Y-to-the-R-to the Eeeeeka!
[I]- INSTRUMENT(s): a little of this, a little of that, the piano, the guitar, chimes.
[J] - JUICE: OJ
[K] - KILLED SOMEONE: Bound and Tortured, but not yet Killed.
[L] - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Yreka to the Grand Canyon to Philadelphia to Florida and back to Yreka when I was 5. I remember the Gulf of Mexico being very warm.
[M] - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Mint Chocolate Chip
[N] - NUMBER OF PETS: 0
[O] - ONE WISH: Go back in time
[P] - PERSON WHO KISSED YOU LAST: Some Asshole
[Q] - QUICK RESPONSE: Frap
[R] - REASON TO SMILE: Daylight Savings
[S] - SINGLE: Is this the same as the first question? or is this like a music single?
[T] - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 10 AM
[U] - UNDERWEAR: Punky Brewster Crotchless
[V] - VIOLENT: Yes
[W]- WORST HABIT: Picking. Nit and otherwise.
[X] - X RAYS YOU'VE HAD: teeth, chest, hand, I think that's it.
[Y] - YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL: either an elephant, or a ladybug
[Z]- ZODIAC SIGN: Cancer (of the anal canal)

6 weird things about myself:
1. There is nothing wierd about me.
2. Diseases.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. I got a higher SAT score than Marigold (way higher)
6. In highschool I watched Quantum Leap every day alone in my dad's classroom at lunch even though I had friends. I had to get my Leap on.