"To Sodomy, it's between God and Me"

Now that I've had some time to really think about the recent holidays I have to say I am very relieved that I am back at work and that time has passed. Although Christmas is coming up quickly. These holiday months just whiz by, don't they? DON'T THEY??

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed in my head. Not in my life right now because things are pretty easy going right this minute but in my head I am thinking ahead and making plans and the winds of change are blowing right through my ears. Next week I'll be moving on up to Mr. Dr's house for 3 weeks. I am looking forward to this. I'm thinking of taking a couple days off in December to get my affairs in order. Specifically, I need to meet with an advisor at the college to go over what classes I need to take. I'll probably just take a day off of work to do that because it will probably take a while. I got a notice from the school that they are accepting like 180 of my credits. Which is like all the credits. So I'll basically just have to take Spanish and some extra English classes to get my degree. That will be awesome. AWESOME! I am so over educated. Who ever heard of getting over 180 credits? That's like 6 years of 30 credits a year. And I didn't go for a whole 6 years. I only actually took classes for like 5 years total.

Maybe I'll take a different language. I should. Spanish would probably be easy because I took like 5 years of it in junior high and high school but I'm not going to become fluent so I may as well broaden my horizons. I can take French, German or Japanese if I want to. How awesome is that? How awesome is it? Not that awesome, actually. If I went to a real school I could take Swahili. I wouldn't, of course. But I could.

ho boy. I watched Born into Brothels on DVD on Friday night, Pride and Prejudice on Saturday in Ashland, and Rent yesterday in Medford. All of them totally kicked ass in completely different ways. I thought Born into Brothels would be completely depressing but really good and it was really good but not completely depressing. It was actually very sweet and sort of uplifting if you are the type to be uplifted by movies. These kids were very cute. And one of them was so smart and talented I couldn't believe it. I won't say which one because the others might get mad.



Pride and Prejudice was great but I always like that story. Always always always. Mr. Darcy was cast very well. VERY WELL. We spent some time afterwards comparing his Darcy to Colin Firth's.


I think Colin still won but this guy

was pretty good. And the rest of the cast was wonderful and the story was wonderful. And I felt ever so alone and lonely afterwards. I rarely get that feeling of loneliness because I cherish my alone time so much most of the time. But once in a while I see a mushy movie and think that it might be nice to have someone around to go see mushy movies with.

Rent was my favorite of all time. I saw it on Broadway 8 years ago and I know the soundtrack by heart so it was really really hard not to sing along through the whole thing. But I managed. It is not for the musically faint of heart. But I loved it so much. The title of this post is from Rent in the song "La Vie Boheme." I am so jealous of my friend Will that he would get to see Jesse L. Martin on the set of Law and Order and hear him sing all the time. I think he was the best in the whole movie by far. I was impressed that Rosario Dawson sang pretty well. And my girlfriend Sara Silverman had a small role in it which made me jiz in my pantaloons. What a mess that was. Luckily my jizz looks exactly like movie theater yellow topping for popcorn. So everyone wins. Although I am still a little sore.


in addition:

This last bit is being added much later than this post was written but I weigh myself weekly and I was dreading today because of the holiday and because I haven't exercised in over a week because of my stupid cold and laziness. But I actually lost 2 pounds since last week. I was so excited! So I normally would come in and tell my coworker erin that I lost 2 pounds or whatever and she would say something nice and encouraging etc. But now I work with this guy and I came bounding in the room and realized, I can't talk to this guy about how much weight I lost or haven't lost or want to lose. So now I miss Erin even though she is just working in a different department. There are a lot of things I can't do anymore that I used to. I get a lot more work done. And erin is a catholic republican. Good riddance.

The morning after pill

I was thinking about posting some pictures from Thanksgiving but then my aunt did on her blog so I will just link to that.

So here is a link to my aunt's blog with some pictures from Thanksgiving. Click Here, Dirty Bastard

We went out to breakfast at denny's and my crazy brother in law brought his camera and made us all tell him what we don't like about. Umm.... AWKWARD!... Like totally dude. Then he just came in here just now while I was writing the part about linking the pictures and he pretended to type and said "My brother-in-law did the craziest thing at breakfast this morning." He thinks that I was going to come right home and write all about it in my blog. And you know what? I was! But I don't have time to go into the whole involved story right now because I have important things to do involving financial aid.

I don't know what to tell you.

I've got nothing to say. What am I doing? I don't know. Having a cold totally kicks ass.

The Office is so great. I am so glad it isn't horrible. I actually may like Jim more than Tim but don't tell Tim that because I think he has slightly lower self esteem than Jim and he may not be able to recover from such a crushing blow. job.
And Dwight is awsome. He is awsome in different ways than Gareth but he is still awsome. And the other night when the boss was giving up all his pretend guns at the improv thing he was at I almost died laughing. So watch The Office if you don't already. And if you do, I love you. And rent the English version too.

Oh, now for a rousing rendition of my traditional Thanksgiving song:

ON THANKSGI-VING DAY
THERE ARE THRILLING PILGRIM STORIES
HOW THE IN-DI-ANS
HELPED THAT FIRST THANKSGIVING DAY

HOW I LOVE IT SO
EATING PUMPKIN PIE AND TURKEY
LET US ALL GIVE THANKS
ON THIS BRIGHT THANKSGIVING DAY

BRIGHT THANKSGIVING BRIGHT THANKSGIVING BRIGHT THANKSGIVING DAY!!
BRIGHT THANKSGIVING BRIGHT THANKSGIVING BRIGHT THANKSGIVING DAY!!

Here is a picture that sums up what this year's Thanksgiving meant to me.




My mother and father and sister and brother and brother-in-law and neice and grandmother and uncle and I all had a very nice day. We played Apples to Apples, Hearts, and Scattegories. We ate pumpkin pie and turkey. There was merriment and laughter. Army of Darkness was on the Sci Fi channel. There were dogs. Jack wasn't here so Ailsa was the only baby and the cutest most beautiful most well behaved and best baby that there ever was.

And that was Thanksgiving, 2005.

Happy Thanksgiving!

No Pun Intended, No Pun Elocuted

I saw Harry Potter on Saturday and I thought it was awesome. Book 4, the Goblet of Fire is my favorite of the series. I was of course sad that some stuff was left out. But that is the way of the world. And the way I look at it, see, is that now that I've seen the movie I can always go back and read the book and read again about the stuff that wasn't in the movie only now I can imagine it like it was in the movie and then it's like it was! See? See? Only instead, I'm rereading the order of the phoenix because I can't remember anything that happens in it and I want to know what happens next. And then I'll have to go out and buy the stupid half blood prince but I was hoping not to buy it until it is in paperback because lugging those big 8,000 page hard covers around is a pain in the ass. IN THE ASS!

Also, I got a little postcard this weekend urging me to "Save the Date" But there were two dates to save so I'm going to have to think about which date to save. The dates in question are June 22nd and July 23rd. Or was it July 22nd and June 23rd. Anyway, these are the days that my friends Will and Johanna are getting Hitched. Hitchcock style. The June date is in Fullerton, Ca. which is not all that terribly far from me. I could even drive if I wanted to. And I probably would want to because I'll be a poor starving student come around that time. The July date is in Cyprus. As in Greece. And that would be totally kick ass. I have a feeling most of the people I know who are going to attend will probably go to the Fullerton one so that is probably the one I will attend because it will be the easiest and cheapest and I will probably not be all that financially secure come June/July. But if I win the lottery or my parents die maybe I'll go to Cyprus! I wish other people who read this and who are attending would tell me which one they are planning on. And if they know about anyone else's plans. Hint Hint.

What else? Hmmm...I have a cold! The first one over two years. And it is a doozy! I am coughing up a lung. I am secretly hoping I will lose my voice so I can't answer the phones at work. So I think at lunch I'll drive around and sing really loud in my car. If I come back and can't talk, presto! Maybe they'll send me home.

I also watched Crash this weekend. The recent Crash with Sandra bullock and a bunch of other people. It was pretty good. Not as good as they all thought it was when they were making it but pretty good. Very Paul Thomas Anderson/Robert Altmany like shortcuts and magnolia only everybody took it WAY seriously. Way Way seriously.

And I finished season 4 of Six Feet Under and did my jaw drop during the last episode! I wish Justin would send me season five post haste.

I've been up to other things as well but since I was sick this weekend I mostly watched TV and movies. I'm going to be in another play in January/Feb. It doesn't start rehearsing until after Christmas but we have a read through tomorrow. It is a play written by this guy who my brother actually works with at the paper. I haven't read it but it sounds like an interesting story. I'm going to go by the mail tribune today and pick up a script. I'd be playing a 22 year old photographer younger sister to the main character. We'll see. It is a 2nd stage production at Oregon Stage Works which is the place I did The Boy Who Talks To Whales last spring. 2nd stage means that it runs on the off nights of the main stage production which would usually be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday nights. So my weekends would still be free and it isn't a very long run so It shouldn't be as time consuming as some of the other shows I've done.

I wasn't going to do any plays while I was going to school but It is hard to turn down a show when someone calls you and says, "Here's a part, be in this." Because once you say no, they'll never call you again. And this shouldn't be too bad. I think I can handle it.

Moving right along

So I applied for the winter quarter at SOU and I applied for my financial aid. They want to loan my $7,000 for 2 quarters which seems like a lot of money for just a few months. So I will probably just take part of it. The subsidized part is 3500 so I'm think of just taking that much out. And I have to quit my job in like a month and I have to try to get a part time job. So many things to do. They got my application and my Humboldt transcripts but I forgot that I had old old transfer credits from college of the siskiyous from when I took some college classes in highschool. So now I have to request that those be sent post haste so as to not jeopardize my chances of being accepted to this fine institution. They are so desperate for students right now. Their enrollment went down I think last year or the year before because they jacked up the tuition. I am so excited at the thought of reading books again. And writing papers. I can't believe the change that has come over me in the last few months regarding this. I hope it lasts. The suspense is killing me! I hope it lasts. Says Willy Wonka.

And Thanksgiving is coming up! Which means I'll hopefully get to visit with my little niece ailsa now that she is big and fat. And I'll get 4 days off of work next week, which is nice. I think my little nephew jack will be with his mom for the holiday. So far that is what I hear. But everyone else will be around so that should be fun. And Marigold and Steve are probably going to surprise us with a visit to Yreka. I'm sure they are just waiting for me to send the airfare money.

I saw Good Night and Good Luck this last weekend and I totally loved it. David
Strathairn is so great in it. And it had really grace pacing and timing. Very good pacing and timing. My brother said, "that's the editing, dumb shit." But I think George Clooney is a pretty good little director. Of course, steven soderberg "produced" it so who knows how much he actually produced and how much else he may have done. One of my favorite movies is Sneakers and David Strathairn was in that as the blind guy. He is one of those actors who is always good but you never know his name. I think he will be nominated for an Oscar. Or a bunch of other awards.

I also watched Star Wars Episode II yesterday with jack. He fell asleep he was so bored. He kept saying, go the part with the light savers! Go to the part where they are sword fighting aliens! And I would fast forward forever and ever until something interesting would happen. He did like the part where yoda was riding around in a little hovering thing. He said, "Does yoda have a little spaceship just right for him?" And, "If yoda was my friend, I would play baseball with him. Because he is like people. But he is an alien." And in the big yoda/christopher lee fight scene he screamed with joy just like all the nerds did when I saw it in the theater. And he said, "yoda can fight better than the big man because he can jump around so fast!"

My coworker lent me episodes II and III, which I have yet to see. I have a feeling I'll be skipping around on that one to find the fun parts too.

My Family Is NUTS!

So it is confirmed. The anonymous person was my Aunt Kerri. She is my mom's brother's wife. I was kind of shocked that she would do this but not really surprised given what all I've heard about her over the years. I don't think she'll be writing anything else any time soon except maybe to deny that it is her but there is no doubt in my mind that it is.

I can't remember ever even having a conversation with this woman. I've talked to her maybe two or three times in my entire life. She has never taken an interest in my life or the lives of my siblings or cousins. She is probably just curious about how we turned out or wants to find out gossip and tidbits about my family so she can continue hating for generations to come guilt free. She can see pictures of my little niece and nephew and hate them! The sins of the father, and all that.

There are so many reasons why this is weird and bizarre and very very bad but I think the worst part of it is how obsessed she seems to be. I'm sure it was just all very entertaining for her but she actually kind of freaked me out when I didn't know who it was and she started threatening me. And she freaked out my friends and family. Because she is so paranoid and so overprotective she knew exactly what to say to scare me even though I know if someone wants to find you and they are a crazy loon there is absolutely nothing you can do to avoid it aside from going into hiding or witness protection. So there is no point in protecting yourself to the point of complete isolation. But I think that is probably how she lives her life. I almost feel bad that this went on for song and people had to put up with it for so long and the pay off is just kind of, 'eh... But Marigold can add another person to the mandy's family lovefest entry from a few weeks back now that she knows my good old aunt scary Kerri.

Evan, Ian, Or Owen?

Or none of the above. Everything is suddenly so clear. I've gone back and looked at some of the comments. It is all coming together at last. I know exactly who my stalker is and I know exactly where she lives and where her children are and her husband and her pets and where she goes to eat and what her house looks like inside and I think I'm going to plan a little trip up north and test her theories about how anyone can find out anything about you when you post things on the internet. Even if you are anonymous. Maybe I'll contact her children. They would probably enjoy this story. One of them, at least. Or maybe I'll just post her name, address, photos of her and her family up on my blog. But she'd probably try to sue me if I did that. I hear she can be a little litigious. I hear a lot of things. I've heard so many things over the years that I couldn't believe half of them were true. But now that I've had contact, first hand, with what I had considered legendary crazyness, I realize that she really IS a totally wack job! And my family was right all along! Imagine that.
I don't think we'll be hearing much more out of anonybitch.

arrivederci, cunt.

Mean Mr. Mustard and Prudence

When I was a senior in high school I chatted on line at this weird site. It was a chat room provided by the Healthy Choice frozen dinner people and its intent was to provide a space for people to get together and talk about healthy choices and healthy choice products. But since it was a very well made chat format, very easy to use and at the time one of the only free real time chat sites on the internet, most of the people who used it were just people like me. I met two guys who I ended up becoming very good friends with. One was Jim Shelley who I still am in contact with today and who I met a couple years ago when he was over on the west coast. I've linked to his site here a couple times. He is in China. The other was this guy Brandon Shaw who I chatted with for about a year and a half and then met when I went down to LA with my freshman roommate in college Tasha over the winter break. We met in January of 1997 and things went pretty well. We continued to write for a few months after and then he just stopped writing to me altogether with no explanation. I wrote him and he didn't respond. I was upset but I got over it. I actually can't really remember that time really well because I had a lot of other stuff going on. I remember the springtime of my freshman year being really really fun. But I remember sitting at the computer hall in the basement of gist hall after we met and reading emails from him. And I remember trying a few times over the summer when I as home never hearing anything.

So in an attempt to figure out who this anonymous commenter is, because I just can't let it go, I googled him thinking that it could be him and the first hit that came up was this...

UT Virtual Statue Tour: Southwest Campus: Brandon Shaw MemorialInscription: "Brandon Shaw 1976-1997" written on the plaque inside of the box. Brandon Shaw, 20, was a UT architecture student who was murdered along with ...

And he was an architecture student at UT. And he was born in 1976. And the spring of January 1997 was the last time I heard from him.

So that link brought me to this site - memorial statue

So he was murdered that summer. And that is why I never heard from him again. I don't really know how I am supposed to feel about this because I tried really hard to be mad at him and just push him out of my consciousness and I succeeded fairly well. But If I had known then that he was murdered I would have been totally destroyed. But I found out 8 years later instead. And I can't stop thinking about it but I am not mourning or anything. I am not grief stricken.

In September of that same year one of the closest friends from my childhood, with whom I had a very bad falling out in high school, died in a car accident. Will and Justin came to Yreka with me when I went home to the funeral. I was kind of messed up for a while after that happened so it was probably for the best that I didn't know that he died 2 months earlier. But the strange part is when Leah died, we hadn't really been in touch since our sophomore year of high school when we stopped speaking to each other completely. So when she died I felt kind of the same way I feel now. She was a huge part of my life but I hated her.

Anyway, carpe diem and all that crap.

Just out of Curiosity

My anonymous commenter is still commenting anonymously. I have chosen not to publish his comments but I still get to see them. Lucky me. In response to my not publishing his comments he has gotten a little bit bent out of shape and in part of his recent comment claimed, "I have been polite, witty, informative and added to the conversation." He also said some other things that were not polite, witty or informative in his comment but I was just curious if I am just in some weird mandy bubble and I don't see the polite informative wittiness of the comments? What do the rest of you out there think? Please, be brutally honest.

in addendum - Thixth Feet Thunder!!!

Guess who just finally got season 4 of Six Feet Under on DVD? Finally? That's right. Me! I did. Finally. Claire says to David, "Thanks for listening to me complain about my cushy alienated life." And I say the same to all and sundry. I also love Justin Theroux so much. So much.

Moderate Comments

Ahhhhh....that's better. If that anonymous person ever had anything clever or useful to say I wouldn't have to get all Tipper Gore on his ass. But anonymous comments that are generally rude and totally inane just clutter up the other more interesting funny and appropriate comments. I really liked this thing I read on Marigold's friend Cory's site about how to be a good commentor.
Here it is

I'm glad Cory surfs for me. Someone has to.

Paradox of Mandy

I have so much to say! I don't know where to begin. I want to first make a list so I can cover everything:
Wild
J.J.
stupid email/regret
school?
A1C 7.1
birthday

So those are the major things I want to talk about. I don't know if I'll get to all of them. I don't even know if I'll be able to get to all of them in one post. It is kind of a lot. A freakin' lot, actually. Like huge aspects of my life I don't talk about that much because I thought I was over them. Like JJ. And Wilds. And having a Hemoglobin A1C of 7.1. And my sister's birthday. And going back to school. And worst of all, the stupid email I sent and how I am feeling regret over something I know, I KNOW, in my heart was the right thing to do. And there are very few things in my life that I know in my heart were the right thing to do. Mostly because I don't believe in people knowing stuff in their heart. Your brain is what knows stuff. Your heart has other responsibilities. I know because I work in a Cardiology office.

Oh, and also, I'm sort of worried that my anonymous stalker might be this guy named Travis. So if it is, you are so totally busted, dude.

So I went to a show tonight. This particular show has been referred to as a "Wild" for about the past 30 years. Or so. I'm not really sure how long. Actually, I could find out right now. I will. Just a moment
.
.
.
.
So, I asked my brother, who is here in Yreka with me tonight with my folks. And Chachi, the dog. And he was in the very first Wild. Which was called "Monkey Business." And he seems to think that he was eight when he did that. And his now 38. So yes, for about 30 years, every year, there has been a show at the Siskiyou Performing Arts Center in Yreka, California, called a "Wild." Or "The Wild." Tonight I saw lots of people I recognized and knew. One of them was my old friend Trish Kimball's dad. Some others were the Bennetts and the Colts, whose sons I went to school with from preschool to high school and who are very good people. I was comforted in a strange way to see these people. I also saw J.J. last name deleted in case she googles herself. She is the reason I still act. She is also the reason I often consider never acting again. She is one crazy New York Jew-turned born again new age Christian. Like I said, I don't know where to begin. I'll begin at the beginning. As I remember it.

With my first Wild. I was eight. I was precocious. I could sing like a little demon. I was put in to a Wild. That particular Wild was called "Paradox of Wild." I still have my little tiny t-shirt from it. You see, it is a play on words because there were two docks on the stage. A Pair of Docks. And also, there was a skit with two doctors. Also a pair of Docs. Get it? I sang a Shirley temple song with my dad called You Gotta Eat Your Spinach, Baby from Poor Little Rich Girl (1936) I just found this horrifying link that plays the song for you. So just imagine me, at eight, singing this song

spinach song

This is extremely strange, writing about this. But it is a really awesome thing for me to get out. Because there is no one who would get it all. So why not put it out there. For people to see.

So I sang this song. God, there is so much to this story. That is the beginning. Now I don't know where to go from here. So I wasn't smart enough to get into GATE. Which was Gifted and Talented Education. This was a big shock. Because my brother and sister were WAY smart enough to get into GATE. But I didn't pass the tests and I had, at eight years old, actually come to terms with this. I thought this meant that I could actually be "normal" and "popular" and have friends and fun like my brother and sister never did. I was actually quite happy not being smart enough to be in GATE. I remember the test. I remember Mr. Gillespie asking me how many days there were in the year and I said. 364. Because the year before I took the test was a leap year and I knew there were 365 days in the year but that this year there would be one less than last year. I just didn't know that the year before there were actually 366. But he just marked that one wrong. And he gave me a piece of paper and asked, if I needed to find something on this piece of paper and it was hidden, how would I found it. My mother tells me this story. I don't remember this part. She says that when my brother was asked this question he drew a line ________ around the entire page laterally and then longitudinally around and around, tight lines in a big maze like box. My sister did the same but with circles. And I started in the middle and then scribbled all over the entire page with not rhyme nor reason. Much like the way I am writing this, I suppose. Ha! This is a story my mother tells which is supposed to be illustrative of they differences in her children. In how we think. Or who two of us think and how one of us doesn't at all. And this is the story I've been listening to my entire life. Which I don't exactly blame for my lack of focus or goals but which I could tell a therapist if I wanted an easy way out.

So I didn't get into gate, is the long and short of it. And I was fine with this. I was a little disappointed. I admit. I admit a part of me was sad I wasn't as smart as my brother and sister. Or a lot of the other kids in my class. But I thought I had potential in other areas. Like the arts.

So I jumped on stage at eight years old. And Mr. Gillespie saw me. And it just so happened that he was bringing his fifth grade GATE class to Odyssey of the Mind the following year. And they were to put on a musical. And he needed some talented, if not gifted, kids to sort of, what's the word....Or phrase...Stack the deck? I guess? So he came up to me, immediately after the show and said something to the effect of, "Why aren't you in GATE? Would you like to be?" Now I was going into the 4th grade. Not only did Mr. Gillespie think I was talented enough to be in gate, but he thought I was talented enough to be in 5th grade gate! Wow! How flattering. I agreed. One thing to my parent's credit in all this. They never thought I wasn't gifted and talented and if I had wanted to be gifted and talented they would have made the school put me in the program. And when Mr. Gillespie asked me, they left it completely up to my eight year old mind to decide. I realized that I really did wanted to be gifted and talented. Or at least talented. And slightly gifted. So the next year I helped write, directed and starred as Templeton in the Jackson Street School's Gifted and Talented Education program of Charlotte's web. This is the song I wrote. I still remember the dance steps I made up. It is to be sung to the tune of George M. Cohan's "Harrigan" from the musical "Fifty Miles from Boston." Which I happened to have known from a big book of songs my dad sang when I was a kid.

T-E-M-P-L-E
T-O-N Spells Templeton
Proud of all the rotten blood that's in me
Bite the tail of anyone who's agin me

T-E-M-P-L-E
T-O-N You Seeeee
Never once has a cat ever come close to catching me
Templeton!
That's meeee

Because Templeton was a rat. In case you didn't know that. Anyway. We won the regional Odyssey of the Mind competition in Redding, Ca. So we went on to Fresno for the State Competition. And we got 4th place. So we didn't get to go on to Washington. But we almost did. Part of the competition was these series of tests that we had to go through individually. Turns out, I was way smarter than any of the 5th grade GATErs so I was invited to be in my own class level gate the following year. Which would have been the same program I had just gone through as a fourth grader. I declined. I hated the teacher. He was an asshole. I still don't like him much. So that was my year in GATE. It was a lot of extra work. I was more interested in being popular. Plus, the boy I was obsessed with moved back to yreka from Sacramento and was living right across the street. I was beside myself. I would obsess about him for the next 5 years. And that, my dear readers, is another story altogether.

So anyway, back to theater. I was now considered talented, if not gifted, and was encouraged to act and sing in local shows. J.J. last name deleted ran a children's theater kind of program during the summers starting when I was 12 years old. I will make this part of the story shorter, even though it is a monumental part of my development. The summer of my 12 year, as I was turning 13, I played Hermia in J.J.'s production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Lots of other stuff happened that year. Crazy things. Things you would not understand even if I explained them to you. But J.J. was a very difficult woman. She made kids cry, often. She would put my makeup on for me and tell me how great I was. She would tell other kids they were worthless and stupid. Little kids. Like 8-9-10 years old. She was crazy. We would rehearse starting the week after school was over 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. She would keep us late and lecture us while the kids parents were waiting outside to drive them home. She would cry and break down during the tech week of every show I was in with her and threaten to cancel the show because of our incompetence. I did 5 plays with her, I think. Starting with A Midsummer Night's Dream, then Romeo and Juliet, then Julius Caesar and then two productions of A Christmas Carol. Those two were better because adults were in it and she couldn't brow beat them as much.

I could go on and on about all the crazy things she did and how she made me feel like I was the most talented person in the world and in the next breath make me feel like I am merely competent but missing something that I will never have because I just don't have it. I will add this one tidbit, because it has stuck with me for 15 years. She told me my biggest strength was my consistency. This was glowing praise coming from her but to me it was a punch in the face because I knew that the only thing anyone really cared about was raw crazy talent. Not consistency.

The last time I saw J.J. was almost exactly 10 years ago. It was at the dress rehearsal of my senior project in high school. I wrote a one act play that was put on with a whole night of one acts at the same theater I just went to tonight and the same theater I had been in all those plays with J.J. and the same theater that I had first stepped foot on when I was eight years old. It is cheesy to say it was my second home but it actually was. For our senior projects we had to have a mentor. I asked J.J. to be mine. We had a few meetings about writing and about adapting plays and about theater in general and I actually learned a lot from her. She was my mentor in a real way, not just in a Senior project, I had to pick someone, way. But she could only come to the dress rehearsal because she was doing a show at the time. And the order of the plays was changed at the last minute. And I had told her she didn't need to come until some time and then the order was changed. And she missed watching my final product. And this caused a huge dramatic scene outside of the theater between myself and J.J. when she got there. And she told me congratulations on my scholarship and that she hoped I had a great life and walked away in a huff. And I laughed. Outloud. And she turned and was so offended she got tears in her eyes. And then turned and walked away. In another even huffier huff. It was hilarious. And that was the last time I saw her.

10 years ago. So coming to see this Wild tonight was really weird. She was there and she talked to me like we were best friends. And she told me that the next time I am doing any plays or anything up in Ashland to call her and let her know and she would "schlepp" up there to see it. And she probably would. And she would praise me above and beyond what anybody has ever said to me in my life and I would eat it up. Because I've always wanted her approval.

I don't know if I can go into all the other stuff I was going to write about. My friend that I met and dated briefly and then dumped is leaving for good on Tuesday and I emailed him today to say goodbye so I could have some strange sense of closure. Actually, he is the reason I went to see this show in the first place. I took him to Yreka a few weeks ago. And my dad was rehearsing for this show and I mentioned that it had been years and years since I had seen a Wild and my dad said that I should come to this and I said maybe I would and my friend said, "yeah, she will want tickets, two of them." So my dad sent me two tickets. And the plan was to go with my friend. But then I had to end that friendship. But there were those tickets. So I went with my brother. And it was awesome. The Best Wild Ever. As they say.

And the part about the hemoglobin A1C is just really good news from my doctor's appointment last week. My A1C has been steadily declining and this is the best indication that my management of my diabetes is going really really well. I feel like I've just won a prize. But it is because of what I've been doing for myself. And it isn't a prize. It is my own prize for myself.

And the birthday part is because today is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday Anonyma! And I already talked about going back to school briefly in my last post so the rest of that will have to wait for another day. Because it is late in Yrekaville.

edgeakated

Today I applied for admission to Southern Oregon University. A few days ago I filled out my FAFSA. And requested my transcripts be sent to Humboldt. Looks like I'm going back to school. Looks like. All signs point to yes. I still don't really know why. Or what I'll do after that. But this will buy me some time to maybe make some decisions and those things later. After I have a degree. Because people tell me this is important.