Barfity barf barf barf. That's the name of this Post. Barf.

Rap rappity rap.

I took a bunch of winter snow pictures because I had nine inches of snow on my front porch on Sunday and Monday. It was so rad and I peed all over it and then I made pee snow cones out of my conical bras like the ones madonna had during the 1990s. Remember the 1990s? Wow, those were some times. Speakingo of the 1990s, my friend Justin scored a free scanner and put in some pictures from the 1990s and our old college days. I am featured in a few of them. Here is a link:

Old Pictures of Buttholes

In one of them I am playing the part of "Dammit Child" in a play I did where I got to carry around a rifle and talk a lot about ants. Good Times. I am very talented.

My brother's boss the editor of the newspaper got arrested for allegedly raping a 16 year old girl in 2000. Between that and the snow there's been a lot of excitement around here.

I'll try to post the snow pictures soon.

I also had another interview and this would be sort of a fancy job as a receptionist in the Big Wig office at the hop-spittal. Wish me good luck. I would have to make coffee every day. I'd be like a real grown up lady from the 1960s like in Mad Men. I hope some big shot gets me pregnant. I hope someone at least sexually harrasses me at the very least.

I had a dream last night that I was at a big pool party at my sister's house and she was there with her children and Steve and Marigold were there all pregnant and with their child and Justin and Alicia were there with their child and I was filling up my bathing suit top with water and saying "Look, I'm pregnant now too! I'm going to have a baby now too!" And you were all so sad for me and my pathetic attempts at humor.

I have also had several lucid dreams lately. I have realized I was dreaming and then tried really hard to make nice things happen. I ended up making out with some really ugly guy at Disneyland. This is apparently my wildest dream come true. I need to be more adventurous and creative next time.

I'm going to try to get off work early tomorrow so I can watch Lost. This will probably not happen. I am so sad.

Today at work I sang almost all the words to American Pie by Don Mclean and my coworker murdered me and then I sang Crocodile Rock but my coworker was

at lunch by then.

And I also sang "Rock and Roll, Coochie Coo." Over and over and over and over again. Not the whole song, just that part again and again. I have been singing it for about three days now.

The economy, blarg blarg.

Presidential elections, moodle moodle moo moo blah. Yadda.

I have been starting to feel more like a normal person since my doctor increased my medication and told me to take one type of pill one hour before I take the other types and also one hour before I eat. I have more energy and I think less of my hair comes out in the shower. That is difficult to quantify. It's just a "feeling" I get. I should have been collecting each days worth of hair so that I could see if there is a difference. Oh well.

I think my toilet is broken. We'll see.

I saw some very old toenails on an elderly person yesterday and I can't get the image out of my head. It is emblazoned in my brain's eye like a pattern might be on a smart navy blue blazer that maybe is part of a prep school uniform.

I've been very lazy about sending back my netflix movies. I want to watch all the Oscar nominated movies I haven't seen like "Michael Clayton" and "Butterfinger Blues" and "Ransack The House, Big Mama, We're A Comin' Home" and "Sausages? I Don't Know." And the one I especially want to see, "Filmed Movie."

I think playing solitaire on your computer for a minimum of three hours a day increases your overall life skills and likability. I think buying stacks of sudoku books at the grocery store makes me look "cool" not "desperately alone" and "nerdy."

I think spending several hours every day parked in a parking lot at night on a college campus with my laptop looking at the internet because I'm too cheap and lazy and poor to get the internet at home makes me a "rebel" and "brave" and also more "cool" again.

I think Heath Ledger died of diabetes that he caught from Mary Kate Ashley Olsen's toilet seat and also from her Vagina.

I think that instead of "Drug Overdose" that people who die from drugs should be said to have died from "Anna Nicole Smith's Disease" like "Lou Gehrig's Disease." And Suicides can be "Kurt Cobain's Disease." Did Heath Ledger die from Anna Nicole Smith's disease or Kurt Cobain's disease? Maybe he had the dreaded George Burns' Disease (dying from old age).

I hope I don't die from diabetes. I hope I die from AAD. Amber Alert's Disease.

Heath Ledger Died

And that is sad.

I have to say something. It's been like three days.

I asked my mom what I should write in my blog and she had no suggestions at all. What a bitch.

I'm doing laundry for free at my parent's home in Yreka tonight. No-Cal representing up in this home.

McCain won in South Carolina. As if I give a fuck. He does have quite a neck on him though. I want him to jiggle his neck flaps softly on my eyelashes like butterfly kisses. I think that would make up for all the "torture" he "endured."

Garfield was on the daily show tonight. He hates Mondays but he loves lasagna. Cats are funny.

I watched Sweeney Todd last night. eh.

It was nice that they didn't cut away from the throat slashings and showed them, quite realistically, full on and over and over again. I liked that part. I liked individual scenes very much but was unimpressed by the movie as a whole.

Today my mother and my father and I watched Zodiac on a DVD format. I actually kind of liked it. It was interesting. I read the book about it that came out in the 90s and so a lot of it was stuff I had read about a long time ago but it was still need to see anyway. Jake Gyllenhaal was pretty good in it. And I always like Mark Ruffalo. Like, LIKE him, like him. And Morton Downy Sr. was funny.

I've recently gotten very much into cheese. It's gonna change my fucking life.

As an Afterthought

For some reason Marigold just sent me this email:

Mandy "Pants" Murphy takes ferocity to a whole new level. At 5' 2" tall, Mandy "Pants" Murphy is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength Hell hath no fury like, Pants. Period. Mandy "Pants" Murphy weighs in at 478 pounds.

I'm assuming she watched American Gladiators tonight. I have to admit I used to enjoy this show when it was on in the 80s and 90s. In fact, for some reason I have some snapshots of the television screen with American Gladiators playing on it from around 1989 or so. I was very young and so knew not what I did. I can't stand the new show but it does take me back to the days when I was young. I'm not a kid anymore but some days I sit and wish I was a kid again. That is from a song from around the same period. Can't touch this. I think that was also around that time.

A Second Afterthought

My mother and I were watching t.v. just now and a phone commercial was on and I wasn't paying attention but suddenly my mother was muttering, "I don't even know what that means and I don't think I want to know." And I asked "What?" And she said "Widening your circle... for free." And I laughed and laughed.

A Continuation of Bras by Other Means

So Marigold puts her bra on like I do, or did now that I grew up. And Angelina thinks we are both crazy for doing it that way and says that this is the way old women do it because this is the way her grandmother does it. I told her that maybe her grandmother always put her bra on like that and has just continued in this fashion. I also wonder why Angelina is watching her grandmother put her bra on all the time. Dude, who is crazy now? So what is the consensus on this?

Learning how to be a person

I've finally learned how to put on a bra like a grown up. It took some practice. Practice that I was unwilling to do before recently. Before I would put the bra around my waist, twist it around to fasten it in the front and then twist it around again and put my arms through the holes. Now I put it on like ladies in the movies.

I had an interview today. I think it was okay.

There was a new question girl. If you can't say anything nice, that's what I always say. I think she sort of sucked though, truth be told. And I kept saying to myself "Gawd! Did I sound like that? Was I that annoying? Gawd! How awful it must have been for people to listen to me if I sounded like this simpering guffawing lady with her up speak and her 'ya know' over and over and her repeating back everything Tim or Joe said and her not saying anything good at all about t.v. and not knowing anything or having any real opinion or snark." That's what I kept saying. But I'm not going to say anything about it on the blog for the podcast because I can't say anything nice.

My computer also miraculously fixed itself too. I don't know what happened but my monitor is normal now and I can watch movies and stuff again. Whew. It was tough going there for a while.

It doesn't burn when I pee but it does feel relief.

The C word, gigantic and projected on a movie screen. At last.

"In my dreams I kiss your cunt, your sweet wet cunt."

This is why you should go to see the movie Atonement. Not only should this be on the movie poster but everyone who talks about it should mention that you get to see the word "Cunt" in gigantic letters projected on a gigantic movie screen, taking up the entire screen, more than once. Then a bunch of romantic stuff happens and war and some crazy times at Dunkirk, and on and on but really you should go see it just to see Cunt Cunt Cunt written over and over again. This happens in the first part of the movie too so if you don't want to watch the whole thing you can leave after about the first, probably 45 minutes or so. But it is a good movie. I felt it sort of petered out toward the end but if they had spent more time on the ending they might not have been able to show the word Cunt over and over again in huge letters.

I am a bit worried that this film will mark a huge shift when it will from this day hence become less taboo to say Cunt Cunt Cunt over and over again. What will I write about? There is nothing else. The little girl in the movie even asks something like "What is the worst word you could ever think of" and she means Cunt. Cunt Cunt Cunt.

It does bring me joy to think of some puritanical people, perhaps a mother and daughter out for some bonding time, going to see this big sweeping romantic movie, totally marketed as this sort of high brow chick flick, and becoming appalled and abashed and mortified at the sight of big black letters on a big white screen spelling out Cunt over and over again.

Rock and Roll!

Also, James McAvoy is coming over later with a big bag of pot and guess what he's going to do? I'll give you a hint. It similar to what I quoted earlier a about his dreams.

rigmarole rigaramole.

I watched that movie called Once yesterday and today and the day before yesterday. I watched it and the special features and with the commentary and everything. I'm one of those people who watches all that crap. All the DVD extras. Some people don't, I guess.

This movie Once is about a magical foreign fairy princess who comes to Ireland to grant the wishes of a very lazy Irishman. It is a fairytale with all the normal fairytale like things. She grants his wishes and then he disappears and she disappears and they never once have sex or make out even. I liked it because they never made out or had sex. This keeps the anticipation of their coitus going through the entire film and when their relationship is never consummated you are left unsatisfied but also you are not disappointed. The anticipation lasts and lasts. The songs in the film grew on me but mostly I thought they sounded too much like Coldplay. I'm not a big fan of Coldplay although I did like it when Chris Martin was on Extras. That was funny.

Also, the main guy was the redheaded guy who was in the band in the movie The Commitments. I really like him. I think he must be much older than he appears however. In my experience, Irish men look 25 until they are fifty and then they look 70 or 80 from then on. And they don't just look that way either.

Anyway, I'm starting the band up again. Who wants to be in it with me? Auditions were this afternoon but I'm having more auditions into next week. Anyone who auditions gets into the band.

Additives:

I posted this but then I wanted to add a couple of things. Firstly, guy from Once is named Glen Hansard and he is almost 38 years old. The girl in the movie was born in 1988 so there is a big age difference between them. I'm not saying this for any reason I just thought that he must be much older than he appears because The Commitments came out a long time ago. It was released in 1991. It is one of my favorite movies of all time. I give it 5 bloody and scarred from the gnawing thumbs up.

Also, the thing I liked about this Once movie the most was that it was about a street musician. I guess they call these "Buskers" in Ireland. I'd never heard this term but as a person who has played music in public for money in a can on more than one occasion, and as a person who has known lots of people who have played in public for money in a can, I wish there were a hundred more movies about street musician types of people. Buskers. In fact, I'm thinking of naming my new band, in stead of the Mount Butcher Hillbilly Boys, The Mount Butcher Busker Boys. That has a really nice ring to it. So, whadya say? Who wants to be a Mount Butcher Busker Boy? (you needn't be an actual real boy)

I've not the do, nor the re, nor neither the mi.

If you ain't got the do re mi, friend, you ain't got the do re me, you better go back to beautiful Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Georgia, Tennessee.

Here is a pretty funny video. Between Two Ferns with Zach Galififuckas

Eat your own nutsack, reader.

Also, did I talk before about how much I like to watch youtube clips of this english show called Nevermind the Buzzcocks? Has anyone but me heard of this? In America, that is. Simon Amstel, the host, came over the other night with a big bag of pot and put aside his gayness for one night of romance with yours truly.

Here's the first part of the latest episode:



And here's a link to the second part: 2nd

And here's a link to the third part: Turd

Justin and Steve will like this show. I rarely know much about who or what they are talking about but I find them all very amusing.

My recommendations mixed with your collaborations mulitplied by the power of FUCK

Sometimes people say things like "The best albums of 2007 are..." And then they list things that were released in 2007. Same with movies and t.v. shows and high priced hookers. I thought about doing this but the problem is that I rarely buy or listen to newly released things. Instead, I wait for the jury to come in. The jury of time. So here is the list of the favorite albums I procured in the year 2007. These are albums that stood the test of time. In some cases, they didn't. In some cases these were actually released just last year. I'll indicate those cases for those who care about such things.

On 12/28/06, which is technically outside of these parameters but I'll include it anyway because it is my god damned list, I got Sufjan Steven's album Illinois. Since then I've got some more of his music. I like him even though he is a christian (says wikipedia). I mostly like him best because of his very long song titles like "The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself In the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience But You're Going to Have to Leave Now, or, "I Have Fought the Big Knives..." That is some title. Many are of lengths similar to this. Also, the song he wrote about John Wayne Gacy, Jr. is right pretty. I also got his album Michigan this last year. I like Illinois better.

In May of 07 I got the album called El Hijo Del Pueblo by Vincente Fernandez. It is pretty much just your run of the mill great Mexican folk type music. Really great. Horns, guitars, big hats, mustaches, the whole deal.

In May I also got Rufus Wainwrights new release from last year called Release The Stars. I have pretty much everything this guy ever made except for the newest new new that was just released before Christmas but I'm going to get that very soon. Everything he does is golden. My favorites on this album are probably Tiergarten, Going to a Town, and Nobody's Off the Hook. (Rufus Wainwright is Off Da Hook)

I very much like Andrew Bird's newish album, which I think was also just released last year. I got it in August. It is called Armchair Apocrypha. I don't like it as much as A Mysterious Production of Eggs but I think I like it more than Weather Systems. And I for sure like it more than that Swing crap he used to do.

In August I also got Bob Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited. This rules. I haven't seen that Bob Dylan movie yet. I heard it sucked ass but Christian Bale is in it and I like Bob Dylan. I did watch that documentary that Martin Scorsese did. It was on PBS some time in the last year or two. Bob Dylan was totally hot. He wrote some kind of stupid stuff sometimes that is easy to make fun of. But I like a lot of it. This album is pretty great. Desolation Road is my favorite even though it is more than 11 minutes long.

I also burned a double album of Willie Nelson stuff that is my mom's. Willie Nelson man. Does anyone have a better voice in the world? Anyone? And still, what I'd really like to see is a superduo form with Willie Nelson and Axel Rose. I hope this happens before I die. I hope this happens before Willie Nelson dies or before he makes another movie with fucking Jessica Simpson. This album is called simply, "Willie Nelson Double CD" So I'm not really sure about it. It is a compilation obviously. Everyone should own something by Willie Nelson.

In September I got My Solo Project by Mates of State. I love this band so much. I think everyone should try them out. They are great. They are just an organ, drums and vocals. They are two people and I guess they are married. My favorite album is Team Boo but this is a great album too. Usually what happens though is that I try to listen to it and then I just want to listen to Team Boo. But it doesn't matter. If you only own one album by them I guess it should be Team Boo. But you should get all their albums. They were in a phone commercial or something this last year. I'm not so sure about that. It is sort of not cool.

This doesn't really count either because I got it in December of 06 but I didn't start listening to it until this last year but I really started listening to Liz Phair's album Whitechocolatespaceegg a lot. A lot, a lot. Especially the songs "Girls Room," "Fantasize," and "Uncle Alvarez." I listened to those songs three thousand times each.

That's my list. There are other albums that I already owned that I rediscovered or discovered for the first time like Calexico and John Cale and Bruce Springsteen (Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J. is, like, totally).

It should go without saying, since this is my blog, that you should rush out and buy everything that Loudon Wainwright ever did before you try any of this other crap. I just bought his latest album, Strange Weirdos. It isn't that great. But it is Loudon Wainwright the Third, so you are better off with his less than great stuff than with 99% of the rest of the crap out there.

Good for a laugh, not by half, fuck giraffe, edith piaf.

My dad sent me a funny email about a new big controversy surrounding Barak Obama's presidential run.

He wrote:

Just a rumor, but if this is true it could be very bad for a certain
presidential candidate. It seems that there is quite a bit of
evidence that Obama has fathered a black child.

This comes as sad news for lots of voters. It is hard to see how a presidential candidate's career won't be ruined by this kind of news story. Although, Grover Cleveland did manage to get elected despite the rumors of his own philanderings leading to a bastard child.

That reminds me, I'm forming a bad called "Grover Cleveland's Bastard Child." I'm the leader. I'm holding auditions this coming Saturday.

I'm off to see Juno. I hope it doesn't blow hard, like your sister did last night down at the docks.

I have an idea to make every new post in my blog a callback or reference to the comments from the previous post but I don't think it will work.

Because sometimes I don't get any comments. If I didn't get any comments I could always comment on the lack of comments I guess. And I could say something like,

"Well, I guess this new idea of devoting every single blog post to a comment or comments was a bad idea because no one cares enough to even comment about it."

And then if no one commented on that I could write,

"Well, I guess writing that last blog post about the fact that no one likes this idea of only writing about stuff in the comments section, I guess that idea, not the original idea, but the idea of writing about the lack of comments, I guess that was a bad idea since no one commented again."

And then if I still didn't get any comments about that I could say,

"Geez, well, I guess I was correct in both of my last posts about my thinking that no one likes this thread of comment driven blog posts, so much so that now I don't even have anyone coming to look at my blog anymore and all I can do is talk about the lack of comments for all eternity since no one will give me any fodder. Fodder. Fodder. Fodder. Fodder. Fodder. Fodder. Fodder."

And then if I still didn't get any comments I would just write,

"No Fodder"

every day for a million or so years. Or so.

And then if I still didn't get any comments after a million years I could say,

"Sylvia?
Yes Mickey?
How do you call your loverboy?
'Come here loverboy.'
And if he doesn't answer?
'Oh loverboy.'
And if he still doesn't answer?
I simply say,
'Baby, oh baby, my sweet baby, you're the one.'"

Gerald and I

Gerald and I speak often through the google chats. He will not like me posting them here. He often has less than politically correct things to say about matters and events but I don't have anything else to say today so I'm going to post this because I think it is funny. I should know, I'm a medical doctor. I own a mansion and a yacht.

It was so windy last night, by the way, that I could barely sleep. It was howling windy and raining like the dickens and actual people died from it. Here you go.

Gerald: There be a mean storm on the Siskiyous that be kills all the bads peoples.

me: A lady died in her rich lady car after a tree saw her for the rich bitch that she was.

and then it fell on her and kilt her.

Gerald: A baby was squashed by a fart machine that pissed in the baby's mouth!

me: how are you feeling? Good good. The fart machine should not have been pissing. That machine needs some maintenance.

Gerald: Laura Bush got raped by a rapper in the Dirty Whore Store. I am still sick as a very sick dog

me: A rapper? You can't rape the willing.
I mean, if I'm a rapper, say, and I want to rape laura bush, the first place I would go is the Dirty Whore Store.

Gerald: What is good medicine to buy?

me: And if there is "Whore" in the name of the store, they's there for the rapin.
I take lithium when I have a cold.
You should try mo

Gerald: I thought was for bipolar

me: old mo, your old friend.
Your cold is all in your head.
so head medicines are best for you.

Gerald: and my poop is still in my heinie.

me: I have the norovirus.
in my heinie.

Gerald: What is the norovirus?

me: My poop is poking it's head out like a turtle, out of my heinie.

I don't know.
some sort of dangerous virus in the news.

Gerald: Shit, I think I have it. I will look it up in the Siskiyou Daily News

me: England has it real real bad.

Gerald: Bye

me: I think you have it too.
Bye, mothuplucker.

On We. On We Go. You're lucky you know me.

I just sort of opened this up to start to write something but there's not a lot going on. I'm very depressed. I'm not feeling well. I think I have a cold. My glands are swollen and I have a sore throat and a headache.


I wrote that part, the part above earlier. I called in sick to work. I'm deciding to be sick. What if it isn't the sickness though. What if it isn't. I took a bunch of ibuprofen and drank a lot of coffee and I feel better but I still called in sick to work before I did all this so now I feel bad. I never call in sick to work. I am rarely sick. I keep anticipating a cold and then I don't get it. I am due though. Far past due. The last time I had a cold was not last winter or the winter before but some time in the winter of 2005. or 2004. I can't remember. it was many winters ago. I am a lucky person who never gets sick. I am an unlucky person who is always sick. One illness causes no illness. I feel like I have sickle cell anemia only the sickle cell anemia is actually just auto immune diseases and the malaria is actually just different types of viruses like colds and flues. That's how I feel.

Evolutionary advantages if I had done what I was supposed to do and had a bunch of kids before I turned 17. And then I would have caught the diabeetis and died and left all my children to carry on my genes.

If you think it isn't difficult to live every day putting off the inevitable with injections when nature wanted to kill you 12 years ago, you're right. It isn't difficult. Suck it, nature. Suck on it.

This was a very depressing blog. I think I'll go do something fun. But what? But what.

Exspearmint.

What I would like to do is get someone else to trade iPods with me for about 2 or three months, however long it would take to go through all of their songs, on shuffle, each one, and for them to listen to all of mine. I would like to listen to each song and I would like someone else to listen to every one of my songs and then I would like to document the songs that I liked best and had never heard of and this, I feel, would really open up some minds. It would be mind blowing. Who wants to do this with me? We would have to make up some rules. Like, you can't skip a song and you have to listen to the whole thing all the way through even if you hate it and it is making your ears bleed. And maybe another rule would be that if they have a song that is already on your iPod, you can skip it but only to save time. Don't you think this would be a fun thing to do? I think so.

Conan O'Brien comes back on tonight. Last night I had the best dream about him. We were in Russia, with his sister. Everything was desolate. There were old abandoned tanks and barbed wire. But our spirits were high and it was beautiful. We had found some of Conan's old notebooks from school when he lived in Russia as a teenager, as he had in my dream. The notebooks were really funny. Some notes were written in bad Russian and some were written in English but they were often strange translations. The funniest was his russian sex ed class notes that described in detail the female genitals. Conan had drawn them crudely in the margins along with other genital representations. We thought this was the funniest thing ever, Conan and his sister and I, and when a tank that we thought was abandoned suddenly started turning towards us and moving forward we laughed even harder and ran with wild abandon across the country side, Conan still holding on to his old notebook with his hair flopping around in stark contrast to the grey landscape. And then I literally woke up from my dream laughing out loud.

His sister in my dream was of average height and did not have red hair, if you were wondering. I wonder if he really has siblings. Probably.

New Year's Revolutions

Last year, or actually in December of 06, I wrote:

What are your new year's revolutions? Mine are: Stand up to the man, number 9, and 33per minute. Oh! And Viva Columbia! I have a lot to live up to. I've set the bar high this year.

This year my new year's revolutions are:

The American
Number 9 (again, I know. I hope to get there this year. Fingers crossed!)
1993 by Jamiroquai
The Children of the
The Industrial (I REALLY need to accomplish this one)
And in general, those that are political and socioeconomic.

Next year I might go for the sexual revolution.

How do YOU think I should change in 08? Not at all? I'm perfect just the way I am? You were always my best friend.

I also wanted to review the things about my blog that I am most proud of from 2007. Firstly, I wrote more entries than ever before at 177 for the year of 2007. Good job, amandapants. I really kicked ass in November when I wrote a record number of 25 posts in one month. I feel like this is quite a blog achievement. Also, I had a record number of visitors to my blog in 2007 with over 4,000. I owe a lot of that to Krazy aunt Keri, anonymous lurking stalker o' my heart, who is not to be confused with Aunt Tuney, who is a welcome and vocal guest. Krazy aunt Keri logs 2-3 visits a day, rain or shine, holidays, weekends, seemingly even when she is on vacation. There is an old saying about trying to keep up with the Joneses but here it seems that the Joneses are desperately trying to keep up with us! Thanks Krazy Aunt Keri Jones!

Finally, the year 2007 for me will be remembered as the year I moved twice, got flooded in one apartment twice, and never once got raped and murdered by internet stalkers who found me through my blog and my podcast. Here's hoping 2008 will bring some much needed unwanted negative attention! Yay! We did it!