And The Fits Just Keep On Coming

I am reading a book for a class that is a real page turner. Now, is this book just an easier book to read than the books I used to have to read in my old college days or am I older and wiser and therefore more able to actually sit down and enjoy reading even when it is assigned? I'm hoping for the latter.

The book is called Disgrace and it is by a South African dude named J.M. Coetzee which reminds me of J.D. Sallinger and J.G. Ballard. People who go by their first two initials are self importants. I had a boyfriend once who was going to go by A.R. once he was a famous whatever. What a dork.

The book reminds me of David Mamet's play Oleana. I am going to discuss why in class tomorrow. Just thought I'd give you all a heads up, in case you are planning on coming to my class tomorrow to discuss the book. Get ready for some comparisons to the play Oleana. Watch out! I have a fever!

I really liked the pirate meeting sketch last night on snl with peter saarsgaarrrrd. And I liked Peter Saarsgard's Sars Guards. And although it started out slowly, the one with him in the hotel room without the remote was very funny and really well written. And probably hard to do with cue cards. What with the timing and all.

I cut and colored my hair. It turned out kind of burgundy-ish but all in all, fairly stylish and sophisticated looking. I look very sophisticated in the play I am in. I wear a lot of black. And boots that go up to my knee and make me very tall. And skirts and slacks. I should dress like that all the time. I would get so much more respect. I even found a calvin klein black overcoat at the good will for 15 dollars. It looks brand new. The good will lady was overcome with glee over my "terrific find." She really showed me some good will. And then I took her out back and showed her some bad will. But she was willing. Because you know what they say about the willing.

Itemized

Topic 1 - Advice for the lovely Filipinas

Opportunity for Marigold or possibly a compatriots of hers that I found in the newspaper yesterday. Always looking out for you ladies. You know which ones I mean.

Tuition Paid In Full
I'm a prominent local business man who is looking to hire a Filipino woman, age 18+, to help acclimate, my Filipino fiance to the United States. I'm looking for a companion who will attend the university with her and help her adapt to living in the U.S. In exchange for your services, I'm willing to pay for all your school costs, including tuition, housing, meals and transportation. Please call my cell for details, 503-336-5134, ask for David, or E-mail:
dswygant@yahoo.com
Announcements - Mail Tribune - 01/17/2006

Topic 2-My studies

I totally kicked ass on that question assignment. Not only did I get all the rules and regulations correct but the damned professor read my damned question aloud and said that it gave him "maybe 1% more faith in the education system." Of which he had very little to begin with, in case you didn't catch that. Very little. He hates us so much. All of our piddling thoughts rattling around in our poo-poo diaper baby minds. That is his subtext in his lectures at least.

Topic 3-What to rent/buy/look at.

For those of you who have netflix or a cool video store near by, rent DIG! It is a documentary (rockumentary, if you will) about a sort of a kind of a rivalry between two bands from Portland over about 7 years or so. The bands are the Dandy Warhols, who you may have heard of before (I had because my brother's friend Harold grew up with the lead singer and because one of my old roommates had one of their CDS) and another band called The Brian Jonestown Massacre. Clever, huh? Anywho, it is a great movie and I bought a CD of the B J Massacre and it is really good. I would describe it as Hippie-Indie-Psychedelic-Folk-Rock. But my listening experience is definitely enhanced by having seen the movie.

Topic 4 - Baby Names

My first suggestion is Hibiscus Haske because it has many nice qualities. Alliteration, Consonance, and it is a flower of sorts. Or a plant I guess. Also, it is Unisex.

I have lots of other suggestions. Like an abortion. Then I don't have to worry so much about this goddamned baby's name. Or you could always put it up for adoption. I think a great pro-life propaganda message could be thought up if someone would make something catchy out of adoption and option. I would, but I hate those pro-lifers. Hmmm.. Maybe I could make something up using prolife and prophylactic. Something clever is hidden there. Something. I guess we'll never really know. In the end.

Topic 5 - My life at large

Things are going okay, I guess. I am rehearsing for a play that I don't talk about much because it sort of sucks but things are coming together. As they usually do. My parents will be returning from a Mexican cruise in a couple days. I am jealous because I have always wanted to go "cruising" in Mexico. If you know what I mean. And if you've seen Brokeback Mountain, I'm sure you do. By the way, Heath Ledger will NOT be getting an Oscar for Casanova. A charming movie but utterly forgettable. One of my professors dislikes me. I can tell by the way she snears at me and finds ways to disagree with every comment I make. Stupid Bitch. She is my Women Writers professor. Maybe she can sense my hostility toward my own "fairer sex." Or maybe it is because I called Abigail Adams "Johnny's Bitch." And Sojourner Truth, "That uppity loudmouth bitch." Wait until we get to Virginia Woolfe. What a bitch she was.

But seriously folks, I spew nothing but the finest liberal feminist leaning rhetoric that Humboldt State University's English Department had to offer, at times paroting things that my former professors actually said about the stuff I'm having to re-read, and it's like she has this idea of me as a conservative possibly religious door mat and/or rightwing male establishment apologist. Or maybe I am reading too much into this. I just want people to like me.

How are my classes going? I'll tell you how my classes are going.

Putting myself in danger of failing a class I've decided to post this email I got from one of my professors. The class is "War in the Modern World." History 399. The teacher's name I emitted because he seems a bit whacked and I wouldn't want him googling himself and inadvertently finding this blog and then failing me because he is a cry baby.

Folks,

Please submit your weekly question this week by email. In order for your submission to be accepted, it must conform to the following format:

1. Subject line-- Hst 399: Week 1
(there must be a space between "Hst" and "399," one after the ":", and one between "Week and "1").

2. On the first line of the body of the email, put your name (first last), a blank space after your last name, then a forward slash ("/") followed by "Week 1" (do not include the quote marks).

3. Hit "enter" twice and then put in your question. I suggest you write and spell check your question in your usual word processor and then "paste" your it into your email. If you don't know how to do this, find out. It's basic. Make sure there is a blank line between the first line (the one with your name) and your question.

4. Unlike a regular email, do not begin with "Dear Dr. (name changed)Schmoctor" and do not end it by "signing" your name.

5. Here is an example of the message body (do not put in the dashed lines shown below):

---------------------------
Todd Schmoctor(name changed slightly) /Week 1

Given all the advances in civil rights, workers rights, and women's right made in the United States in the decades after the Civil War, and also considering the widespread availability of both education and psychological therapy throughout the twentieth century, why at the beginning of the twenty-first century are there still more horses asses than there are horses?
---------------------------

Please take a few minutes when you send your question to conform to these few format rules.

Best regards,

Todd Schmoctor

Ahhh... College. Ahhh... Anal professors. This is just taking me back, let me tell you what. Like the time a teacher in the drama department at Humboldt gave an assignment to write down everything that our character says about our own character, everything that the other characters say about our character and anything at all in the script that is written about our character. And when I turned it in she made me take it home and retype it because I hadn't put quotes around each line. And docked me a grade. Because it was late. Because that's how to learn acting. I can't tell you how much this exercise has helped in my dramatic career since that class. I now put "quotes" around everything. Like when I talk about my "education" or the "theater department" at "Humboldt state university." Fuckwads. Fantastic fuckwads.

Actually, I love this history teacher guy. He is completely insane and a total asshole but I think he is great until he screws me over. The first day of class he was going over the syllabus and was reading to us that our papers and essays should be clear and lucid and this fat kid behind me asked, "what do you mean by lucid?" and the professor said, "I mean what everyone who uses the word lucid means." and then went on. And the kid behind me muttered "asshole." It was great. That fat kid was so embarrassed. As well he should be. Idiot. Horses Ass.

And my sister got me a great deal on an awesome laptop!!! I am so excited. I will be totally in with all the cool kids now. Well, not until I get a cell phone. But well on my way!! Sweet. What else. Oh yeah, I support the law.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

Time may change me, but I can't change time. You know what they say. So I quit my job and I am now attending classes full time at Southern Oregon University. A fine institution if you ask me. Good enough for my mom and good enough for my dad. Not good enough for my brother and sister who both took classes here but not for long. So we'll see. I have a tendency to repeat their mistakes because it is alls I knows.

People are having babies. People are getting married. The circle of life... continues. The manzelles and the hebras and the elusive gazelvis are still running from the bad Boyotes. And here I am back again taking notes and rolling my eyes. But this times gonna be different! I'm gonna be a contender!

I ran into an old yreka chum of mine at the movie theater yesterday. Stacy Alger. Good times with old Stacy. She is married and 3 months pregnant. This is beginning to feel like some sort of conspiracy. She lives in Medford now and I'm hoping to hang out with her a little. She was actually a kind of interesting person and smart and funny for the most part. By Yreka standards. I also saw BrokeBack Mountain and I totally think Heath Ledger is going to win the hell out of that Oscar. And then he'll gay-sex the hell out of it. He'll show that Oscar who's boss. Oh yeah.

Also, coffee shop guy who I love whose name is Phil and has been working at this coffee shop by the movie theater for like over 3 years now and so doesn't really show many prospects in the way of an education or career but with whom I am still in love with, asked me if I was going to go see Jeff Tweedy's acoustic show in Portland on February 4th. And told me where it is and how to get tickets. Like we talk bout this all the time and we are best friends. About a year and a half ago I mentioned to him that I really like Wilco and that I've seen them play twice which is the truth. And since then Phil and I usually exchange two or three words about coffee and the weather and that sort of thing and now, out of the blue, he is clearly asking me to meet him in Portland and share a whirlwind romantic weekend in which I watch him and Jeff Tweedy make out. Well, I had just come from seeing Broke Back Mountain so I am probably exaggerating the making out with Jeff tweedy part but the rest of it was so obvious. In the past, I would have totally freaked out about this as being some amazing signal that he loves me but now that I am old and jaded I just think ahead to me driving to Portland and seeing Phil with some tall blond girl who is tastefully dressed like an indie yuppie whore and then he sees me and comes over to introduce me to his girlfriend's short chubby glasses wearing indie yuppie dressed lesbian friend Esther. Well fuck you Phil! I'm not driving up to Portland just to run into you at some show when I can go to the coffee shop any time I want and stare at you! Why doesn't he ever ask me if I'm going to go see something locally so that I can accidentally run into him there? Why Portland on February 4th and why after so long? Hmmm..Maybe he is as socially stunted as I am. In which case I don't love him anymore. Because that would make him a complete loser who works in a coffee shop for a living.

But he sings along loudly to all sorts of songs all the time when he is working. AND ON KEY, which is very important. So I guess I'll still love him for that.

I was going to go into some stuff about the classes I am taking but I got sidetracked. Another time.

Dilemma

So the question is this: On my last 1 1/2 days left of work do I work as busy as a little beaver and try to get as much done as possible so that I don't leave any loose ends for other people to have to work on, OR... Do I just pretend I am working as busy as a little beaver and that I got so much done but I just have these few loose ends for someone else to have to work on. I have a feeling it will be something in between. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, so to speak. Now there's a man I wouldn't mind kissing between the cheeks, so to speak. Did anyone else see arrested development the other night when Michael had his brother in law David cross record the things he says and play them back to himself because of the homoerotic innuendos he is always making on accident? That was so funny.

Is it weird to be in love with Will Wheaton?

A mighty stupid thing I read

from headline in google news' health section from the Independent News:

From tiny twins a mighty charity grew
By Thair Shaikh
Published: 28 December 2005

They were two of thousands of babies born prematurely last year. Yet the story of the twins who weighed less than a bag of sugar each has inspired global interest and launched a multi-million pound fundraising appeal.

I weigh less than a bag of sugar. If it is a bag of sugar that weighs more than me. What a stupid comparison. Poorly written. This kind of stupid writing makes me so angry! Why? Why can't I just laugh and say, "stupid sloppy writing." Why do I have to get so angry! Is it just me or is this the dumbest thing you've read today? Aside from this blog, of course. Ha ha ha, smartypants.

Bernard Pivot's 10 questions

Just so this is done when I do go inside the actor's studio. I hate people who procrastinate. Or people who don't think ahead before he asks these because they want to be spontaneous. Those are the worstest.

01. What is your favorite word?

I do like to say "totally" a lot but my favorite word for how it sounds is Vivacious because it is like vicious and vibrant which are also good words. And one of my favorite words for what it means is ennui.

02. What is your least favorite word?

don't have one. Maybe "sweetie"

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

anticipation

04. What turns you off?

disappointment

05. What is your favorite curse word?

dickslop

06. What sound or noise do you love?

white noise and/or harmony

07. What sound or noise do you hate?

whining dogs and/or paper shredders

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Singer/songwriter

09. What profession would you not like to do?

anything requiring me to wear a beeper.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Heaven, like life, is what you make of it. Only more literally.

Tonight on Inside the Actor's Studio.

When James Lipton asks me what sound or noise do I hate, I'm totally going to say the sound of a whining dog. Shut up you whining dog! I hate that sound!!

Backpedalling on the old Yule Log.

So my dad told me this morning that he can't read my blog anymore if I keep talking about having a penis and other such subjects. The filthiest most obscene, racist, sexist homophobic asshole in the world, my father, was apparently offended by my crudeness. So today he took my brother, nephew, and myself all out to see The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.

I gotta tell you, I have a Christian in my heart somewhere just longing to get out because when that lion died for the sins of that child of Adam I just about was born again. But then he came back to life! What a gyp! What kind of sacrifice is that? Yeah, Jesus died for my sins. But then he came back to life like three days later. I'd die for anyone's sins if it meant a three day vacation away from turn of the millennium day Jerusalem where people were trying to kill me and if I knew I would just be coming back again. Thanks a lot, Jesus. I really owe you one. Here, take my toenail clippings. They'll grow back in three days. You know what is a better allegory for Jesus dying on the cross for my sins? The story of brer rabbit.

"I don't care what you do with me, Brer Fox, says he, "Just so you don't fling me in that briar patch. Roast me, Brer Fox, says he, "But don't fling me in that briar patch."

"It's so much trouble to kindle a fire," says Brer Fox, says he, "that I expect I'd better hang you," says he.

"Hang me just as high as you please, Brer Fox, says Brer Rabbit, says he, "but for the Lord's sake, don't fling me in that briar patch," says he.

"I don't have any string, " says Brer Fox, says he, "Now I expect I had better drown you, " says he.

"Drown me just as deep as you please, Brer Fox," says Brer Rabbit, says he, "But please do not fling me in that briar patch, " says he.

"There's no water near here," says Brer Fox, says he, "And now I reckon I'd better skin you," says he.

"Skin me Brer Fox," says he. "Snatch out my eyeballs, tear out my ears by the roots," says he, "But please, Brer Fox, don't fling me in that briar patch, " says he.

Of course, Brer Fox wanted to get Brer Rabbit as bad as he could, so he caught him by the behind legs and slung him right in the middle of the briar patch. There was a considerable flutter when Brer Rabbit struck the bushes, and Brer Fox hung around to see what was going to happen.

By and by he heard someone call his name and 'way up on the hill he saw Brer Rabbit sitting cross-legged on a chinquapin log. Then Brer Fox knew he had been tricked.

Brer Rabbit hollered out, "Born and bred in the briar patch. I was born and bred in the briar patch!" And with that he skipped out just as lively as a cricket in the embers of a fire.

See? Brer Rabbit was all prepared to get tossed in the briar patch (for my sins) but it was all just a trick!



That Jesus was a trickster too and that is why Christianity is for the birds.

Yule Log Rolling

This year Sandy Claus read my blog, which he mistook for a Christmas wishlist. But it's alll goood cause guess what I got? A penis? Yes! And guess what I'm doing with it? Well, I'm still sitting to pee so it really hasn't changed my life that much. And the rest of the time I just find myself gently pulling at it like I used to sometimes on the benign tumors I used to have all over the vagina I used to have. I'm hoping maybe Blog Ho got my old vagina and if he did here is a list of simple maintenance rituals it would be wise to abide by if he is smart and knows what's good for him.

1. Never, ever, ever let anyone touch it. This has been a rule I've lived by and it has served me well as I didn't get vagina cancer or aids or the SIDS from anyone. Although I did get Diabetes which is air borne AND sexually transmitted so I prolly got it from some diabetes asshole coughing on me or from all those diabetics I serviced during operation Iraqi freedom.

2. Groom sometimes, but don't get overzealous. Trust me on this one. Blog ho will be good at this since he has some experience from his female dog grooming business. My vagina can be one dirty bitch, just like those dogs.

3. If you are going to rub one out, don't listen to music. This tends to stress my vagina out.

4. NO Douching!!!! This is paramount. Mostly it is because of political beliefs but also because it is unnecessary as my vagina smells like roses and poppies and dandylions in a fresh open field and also like clean clothes on a clothesline in the springtime.

5. I have a small mouth with only 24 teeth but my vagina is positively cavernous. Sometimes I get mixed up which causes embarrassing moments with my gynecologist, my dentist, and the black and Asian sailors down at the docks. So this is a rhyme I made up to remember: Small Mouth, Large Down South. However, if you have a big mouth then don't worry about it. Big mouth. Blabber mouth. Fat Ass.

6. If you happen to find my watch, or my jewel encrusted ring, or my family heirloom vibrating 1st addition copy of Moby Dick, please return to me. This is not so much a rule as a request. Thank you kindly.

I'm off to share a little Christmas cheer with my new Yule log.

If I Had A

I've decided the best way to win friends and influence people is to find blogs of people who I like and comment on them in the hopes that they will click on my link and read my blog and fall in love with me. So far, I haven't had any luck at all. I did find an old comment someone had left me from a long time ago that just said that he loved me. Well at the time I wasn't really into weird guys on the internet commenting that they loved me so I didn't pay no never mind. But now, since I am so desperate for random strangers to look at my blog I decided to tempt karma and check out this guy's blog.

Lord, thank the heavens above that I did. Lord, thank you so much. Lordy lordy lord. Christ almighty in heaven. Thanks. Seriously. I have now found my purpose. I thought I would find my purpose, ba ba ba ba. I have a new link to my new purpose on my sidebar but I will link to it here so you can all enjoy the immediate satisfaction of the funniest person who was made just for mandy to make her laugh.

Blog Ho

I am going to ask him for his seed. To mail it to me. In a test tube or some other handy vestibule. Vestibule? I will then remove my eggs and give his seed and my eggs to my sister because she is good at making babies and she told me she would have my baby if I ever found anyone who I wanted to make babies with but not enough to get fat for. And then her stomach would grow and grow with the baby from my egg and blog ho's seed. And then she would give birth to the most beautiful perfect child and this child would grow up to be Sarah Silverman because she would be a girl because Blog Ho's seed is 99% gay.

He intimates in his blog that he is married and has kids but nothing can get in the way of true love. Summer and winter, springtime and fall, true love conquers all. Just a drip and then a drop and then a dribble, my love for him grows everyday. Marya, what's the rest of that song? It is so good. My dad used to write really really good songs before he sold out to the man. Although his avian flu song this year was pretty good. Blog ho likes to write little missives about what he would do and or say and or shove in there if he had a vagina. I hope he doesn't mind my blatant stealing from him when I start to write my If I Had a Penis posts. Because there will be many to come. This first one isn't that funny but it is true.

If I had a penis I would still sit to pee because I need to take a load off. I would say that I "sit to piss" though because saying "piss" is more masculine and also "sit to piss" sounds like a cool band or song and has the same vowel sounds so it kind of rhymes. There is some word in poetry that means this that is the opposite of consonance but I can't remember what it was. Blog ho would know. There's another one. Also, I would sit to pee because it would save time. I often have to pee again right after I "take a load off" which is a euphemism for pooping. Or "shitting" if I am being more masculine again. Why would I want to stand up and sit down and then stand up again unless I am getting ready to fight fight fight? Also, if I had a penis I would imagine a perfect ray of light shooting out of its tip all the time like a laser pointer only not red because I would constantly think I was bleeding from Down There and if I had a penis I shouldn't think I would have to worry about that anymore. But I'll get into that another time.

Oh and lastly, Blog Ho's vagina would be named Valerie. My penis would be named Peter. You probably think this isn't very creative but fuck you. Neither is valerie. However, the reason my penis would be called Peter is because that is currently what my period is called so I would still be able to pull down my pants when I sit to pee and say "Helloooooo Petah!" in my english accent like I do once a month when Peter comes only if I had a penis I could do that every day, 2-3 times because that is how often I pee.

I AM So Funny

Am I the only one who reads their old blog posts and laughs and laughs and laughs forever at my own jokes? I think my next long post is going to be a "best of" and I will just quote myself like when tv shows get lazy and do clips episodes. I can't wait.

Stupid Girl Movies and Mouthfulls of Obscenities

So The stupid Notebook has been playing on some movie channel that I have here at Dr. Schmoctor's house and three times now I was switching channels, came across it, and then inadvertently watched the whole rest of the movie without even realizing it. I can't tell you how much I am holding back from saying a whole bunch of really stupid things about how much I love it and what it is exactly that I love about it because I am so embarrassed that I fall for this claptrap time and time again. Plus that gosling kid is totally totally hot. He reminds me of Christian Bale in Newsies. Only cooler. And less gay. And less dancing with young boys. And Rachel McAdams is the breakout actress of the year according to Ebert.

I got this crazy link off this guy's blog that I read who I don't know but am strangely obsessed with and I thought it was interesting enough to share with my peeps. What up, peeps? Crazy jumping guy from Estonia? The guy in the video kind of reminds me of Arron Spencer Wilder. How many takes do you think he had to do on all these jumpy aroundy things? And additionally, doesn't it feel like you are playing a video game?

I gave my notice at work on Monday. No more doctor schmoctor job. My last day will be January 5th. Then I'll be jobless for a short amount of time while I attend school. And then I'll probably try to find some crappy part-time job somewhere. Or beg my job now to let me come in a work a few hours here or there cleaning up their doctor slop.

And Christmas is a-comin round the bend. I've sent out hand made individualized Christmas cards and letters detailing my life and times and how much the receiver of the card means to me to just about everyone who I REALLY care about so if you don't get one, you know where you stand.

Song that has been in my head virtually non-stop except when a Christmas song creeps in: Johnny Saucep'n

Well he was just some Johnny Saucep'n when he walked into that kitchen
And the chef picked up the order and put down his Solzhenitysen
He said "make yourself at home, boy, I just prewarmed all the griddles
Ya got 20 minutes, starting now, to make some gourmet vittles"

Basil endive parmesan shrimp live
Lobster hamster worchester muenster
Caviar radicchio snow pea scampi
Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert
Pork hocs side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks
Provolone flatbread goat's head soup
Gruyere cheese angelhair please
And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws.

Sure he was just some Johnny Saucep'n when he walked into that kitchen
But his genius with the foodstuffs got the old chef's tastebuds itchin'
Johnny Saucep'n bought the restaurant and the chef came all unglued
There will always be a lineup for that strange and wonderful food.

Basil endive parmesan shrimp live
Lobster hamster worchester muenster
Caviar radiccio snow pea scampi
Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert
Pork hocs side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks
Provolone flatbread goat's head soup
Gruyere cheese angelhair please
And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws.

It sure is a mouthful. Whenever I get to "Pork hocs side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks" I always say "cannibal" on accident instead of cataloupe. It's like unique new york. Which is my brother's 2nd favorite tongue twister after the one I adapted from the pheasant plucker one and it goes a little something like this, "I am not a fucking faggot, I'm a fucking faggot fucker, and I'm only fucking faggots while the faggot fucker's gone." It makes him laugh every time. EVERY TIME! I made it up one day when he called me a fucking faggot. Now I just need to make one up for when he calls me a stupid bitch toilet fucker. Yep. We have a very strong brother/sister relationship. That fucking dickslop.

Oh, if anyone was offended deeply by the previous paragraph I am offering this disclaimer: Some of my best friends are gay. And Jewish.

For whom can I buy this book as a christmas present? I tried to buy it for my gradma but my mom said she wouldn't like it. It is sooooo cute! I saw it at bloomsbury books in ashland yesterday.

It has inspired me to find super cute pictures to put on EVERY blog entry that I have. Someone is in for a treat!

This one just came on the radio and I had forgotten it was on my gold hits of the 70's album!

"Don't know why I'm surviving every lonely day
When there's got to me no chance for me
My life would end
And it doesn't matter how I cry
My tears of love are a waste of time
If I turn away
Am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do
If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby"

Sung by Eves Plum according to the internet. Not to be confused with Eve Plum, to be sure. Who was Jan Brady, in case you aren't up on your brady trivia. I know waaay too much about the brady bunch considering I was born well after it was off the air.

In That Windy Old Weather, Stormy Old Weather, Boy When The Wind Bloooooooows, We'll All Go Together.

Everyone Knows It's Windy
(I am whistling along)

The picture above is a picture of the my little pony that I have. I have a stuffed animal version of it, not a really live pony. Her name is Windy and I got her the same year I got my rainbow brite doll (including a pattiy o'green doll) and my cabbage patch kid for christmas in 1984. And we got a dog that year we named Zola Budd. 21 years ago this christmas!

It has been so windy up in this house on the hill. The trees bang against the walls and keep me up at night. And there is a whistling of the wind across the moors. If there were moors. It is quite disconcerting. I was thinking of how it would be a great place to fly a kite. If I had a kite. And was into kite flying and such. I guess I could make my own kite. If I were more industrious. Up to the highest height.

As a child I listened to a lot of records on my record player. I had a little white record player and the spinny part was red, I think. And I had those little books with records like the muppets take manhatten and a charlie brown christmas that came with the small little 45's. I loved those things. And I also listened to my mary poppins record, my sound of music record, my dr suess record, and most frequently my Golden Hits of the 70's record which was actually a gift from my sister to my brother but my brother hated it so my sister kept it in our room. I had a few others that I listened to a lot but these were the ones I think of the most. My mom tells me I once yelled "But I neeeed my music!" I forget the context of this outburst but she has quoted it ever since as one of those cute things I said when I was a kid. But I do need my music. I love my music so much. Especially alphabetizing it.

I watched Prozac Nation with Christina Ricci and it didn't make me want to kill myself but it did make me want to be a music critic for rolling stone. It was a weird movie. Sort of the female angst ridden version of Almost Famous. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it but there were parts that got me hooked and made me want to read the book. I kind of think Christina Ricci sucks as an actress and may amazingly get by on her actual personality. Which, with a personality like hers, is saying a lot. I like her but I don't understand why anyone else does.

I've been listening to the soundtrack to the producers a lot to get ready for seeing it in the theaters. It is really great. I've also been listening to Moxy Fruvous. I actually bought Bargainville and the B album on CD since I only had them on tape and lost those a few years ago. It is like having a friend move back into town. They are a Canadian band for dorks that I got into in highschool/early college. I think Steve and marya are probably the only ones who read this who have heard them. I saw them live twice with Becky and Sheila. They really liked them too. I've also been listening to soft hits of the 60's, 70's, and 80's because that is the only radio station that comes in on the radio in the bathroom. Sometimes NPR comes in but it is very scratchy. I heard "Brandy" this morning. She's a fine girl. What a good wife she would be. Sometimes songs from my golden hits of the 70's album come on this station, which makes me cry sometimes. Like There's Only You and Me and We Just Disagree. And Thank You for Being a Friend. And Living Next Door to Alice. Right now it's the Jackson 5. Man do I feel alive when I'm listenin' to the Jackson 5!

I desperately need to do some Christmas shopping. I have a book for my mom. I need to get presents for my dad and my brother and little Jackie jack jack and my grandmother. I usually buy stuff for tuney and bucky and maggie after Christmas because they sometimes come down here for Columbus Day Christmas in January. I haven't decided on whether to amazon.com-it for marya and alex and ailsa or if I should buy something and have mom ship it out with her stuff or if I should also wait until after Christmas for all the deals and what not.

Who's tripping down the streets of the city? Smiling at everybody she sees? Who's reaching out to capture the moment? Everyone knows its Windy.

I had rehearsal this morning. Or Rehursila, as jack calls it. The cast is really good. And they had me fill out a W-9 form yesterday which makes me think I'm getting paid for this. But nobody has said I'm getting paid. Or told me what I would be getting paid. There is a guy in it who works for the Shakespeare Festival. Funny story here. I googled him, because I google everyone, and turns out he and his wife wrote this musical called Chaps! Which I'm pretty sure was a play done at the Ferndale Repetory Theater in Ferndale when I was in college that I saw because a couple of my friends were in it. In fact, Alicia, from the marriage of Alicia and Justin, was roommates in college with this girl Tiffany who was totally insane. And her sister, who I lived in the dorms with, was also totally insane and was in the show. Her name was Sabrina. And my friend rydzewski covered for someone else for like one night or a weekend or something. And there were other people I know in it. And this guy who wrote it is in this play with me now. Small world, the great northwest is.

I am reading the curious incident of the dog in the night. And it is really good. Quick easy read. Buy it for someone lazy for Christmas.

It is funny how I never know what I'm going to write about until I sit down and all this crap comes out! Good thing.

This just in

Dr. Schmoctor's internet home page is set for CNN.com and every time it opens up I think, "God, the onion is not even TRYING anymore." And then I realize that this is real news.

Christ almighty Mass of crap Christmas

Merry Christmas. Merry fucking Christmas. My brother has a song where he just goes on and on with variations on Merry Christmas. Merry Money grubbing Christmas. Merry Jesus Christ-on-a-Stick with a frog up an oil-man's asshole Chrrrristmas. And so on. It makes me laugh everytime.

So I am Back in Mr. Dr. Schmoctor's house having just come home from our office Christmas party and I have my awesome tunes playing and a fat tire in my fist. In my little tiny fist. I do like me some fat tire amber ale. Mostly because of the name and the picture of the red bicycle on the front. So much depends on a red bicycle. I only had one glass of wine at the party. But I must say, it was a really good glass of wine. It was a pinot noir, for you wine aficionados out there. And it was all buttery and delicious like Barbara Streisand. Ampersand. If I was a writer for sesame street and I was going to do an episode on punctuation I would have a puppet named Barbara Ampersand like the one they have called Meryl Sheep. Sesame street is quality programming. I love watching it on Monday mornings with my nephew. It is one of my favorite parts of the week. It is so much better if you watch it with a real life kid instead of just one inside of all of us.

Now that I have constant access to the internet I have run out of things to do on it. Steve got me addicted to web soduku and webboggle. I am not as good at webboggle as I thought I would be. I usually only get in the rankings between 30 and 40. But I'm getting better. Soon I will be unstoppable. It reminds me of this game I used to play on America Online at my grandmama's house called scrambler. I wonder if there is anywhere on the internet that has this game with other people playing it? I bet there is. The point is, I wish someone would tell me other cool things to do and play with on the internet. Or the "e-net" as my popso calls it. Dearest Popsicle.

Ah well, back to soduku. Or is soduko? I'll check. I was wrong on all accounts. Sodoku.

Most awesome part of the Christmas party: Joanne, my coworker Marie's sister, calling the cute waiter she wanted to have intimate relations with "the help" right in front of his face. He was pissed off. They will most likely not be having intimate relations.

2nd most awesome part of the Christmas party: The big boss Executive Director wearing a shirt he described himself as similar to a rainbow trout and which I described to Joanne as only a gift a gay lover would give someone. He was dateless... hmmm... Oh, and he sang Porgy and Bess' Summertime whilst playing the piano. At a Christmas party. And then an Elton John song. Hmm... And he is unmarried, childless and a snappy dresser. If he wasn't so smarmy I would totally think he was gay. I can't believe I didn't think so until tonight. He is gay! Of course! This explains so much. If it was snake it would have bit me. If I was a man it would have, at least.

6 people asked me who I was there with and then why I didn't bring a date, and then why am I single, and then why don't I date anyone. And then one of them said her and her husband were "talking about that the other day." Whatever that means. And then she changed the subject quickly when I inquired what exactly they were "talking about." I'm sure they are all at home writing in their blogs that Amanda must be gay. People in glass houses, or whatever.

Plus, look at how cute I was at some point in my life near christmas time!

Who bumped it up bumped it up bumped it who?

This Doctor house is so big and I am so small. There are four dogs and 3 of them are very nice and agreeable. One growls at me and tries to herd me around the house when he thinks I am going places he doesn't like me to go. Like anywhere. But he is still a cute little doggy so what can I do? He is a little cross eyed. There is a big TV and a computer (that I am using right now) and an x-box (which I have yet to use.) Tomorrow I am going to get up and walk down to the mail box which is probably about a mile. Then I am going to go into town and buy myself some gusses in which to get gussied up in for the big office Christmas shin dig. Turns out, it is hard to make a bacon dress around 4 dogs. Let alone wear one. I don't know if anybody reading this watched the office the other day but my Christmas party will be way cooler than that. First of all, we can drink. Secondly, we all get a Christmas bonus. Thirdly, all the secret Santa crap was done in the office and was totally voluntary and I did not partake so I don't have to live through that hellish experience. Although two of my coworkers (husband and wife) did buy me a wallet. A United Colors of Benetton wallet. I don't know what they thought was wrong with my old one. Was it the velcro? Actually, my other wallet is a Coach wallet which evidently means something to somebody. But I like my new wallet better. It is slightly bigger but can still be put into a jacket pocket if necessary. And it is an orangy colored leather.

What a mundane post this has turned out to be.

I actually had a whole list of things I wanted to write about and now not a single one comes to mind. Except that I found out that scrubs wasn't cancelled. I saw an add for it. Oh, and the best part about living the life of a Cardiologist for three weeks? BBC America with reruns of the British Office. Sweet. I had a dream last night that I met this guy who was Tim/Jim all mixed up into one super Tim/Jim. I didn't realize my infatuation with Tim and Jim had reached my subconscious. I need to stop watching so much TV.

Also, Cyprus Vs. Fullerton: The Final Smackdown. I don't know yet. I'm probably going to be too poor to go to Cyprus. I can't imagine a set of circumstances in which I won't be too poor to go to Cyprus. So for now, I am planning on Fullerton. This would also to allow me to maybe visit my friend Becky in Anaheim and maybe even my friend Andy rydzewski who is now living and loving L.A. style with some of my old Humboldt theater pals like Blake Williams and who knows who else.

Oh yes! And most importantly. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What a town. City of bridges, I hear. Does anyone know anything else interesting about Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania? When I read it was the city of bridges I thought this was funny because my dad is from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and has a horrible fear of bridges. And I think one or more of my cousins may be living in Pittsburgh. Yep, Good ole' Pittsburgh. I wonder what's going on there right now? Hmmm... Pittsburgh. Well well well. MMm HHmm. Yep.

I registered for 3 classes for the winter quarter at SOU. Some history class about war that I am very much looking forward to. A science class. Some kind of physical science mumbo jumbo science class for science dummies kind of general ed class. And and English class called Women Writers. I am totally going to kick ass in those classes! I may take a third one but I have to talk to the English department first to find out what I have to take for them. Fuckwads. My academic "advisor" advised me to go get advised by the English department to find out what classes I should take. Gee, thanks, whore. But all my classes will be only on Tuesdays and Thursdays so maybe I'll work on the weekends and a little on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays. Sounds like some sort of a plan. Almost.

All Anus All The Time

What has Amandapants been up to? What did Amandapants do this weekend? Where is Amandapants' head at? Does she always have to end sentences with a preposition on? At? In?

I've been ever so busy what with the nonstop excitement this small town has to offer me. I saw Just Friends on Saturday. I laughed and laughed. It was very funny in all the usual sorts of ways. That Ryan Reynolds is pretty funny but the funniest thing about him is he is married to Alanis Morissette so I have a joke about him getting All-Anus All the Time.

I also watched two of my netflix movies, Danny Deckchair and Word Wars. Danny Deckchair was very cute and sweet and I recommend it.

Word Wars was a documentary about scrabble players a la that spelling bee movie only with grown strange men instead of weird children. I really like scrabble and part of me feels like I could become like those men if I really let my ocd loose on something. There was this kid they had on briefly who was pretty good and they asked him if he wants to someday work his way up to division one and compete with the best players and he said that he doesn't want to end up like one of those guys who doesn't have a job or anything and who just play scrabble all the time. It was an interesting movie.

I also went to a musician swap thing in Ashland with my brother and dad yesterday and I got a few used cds there and got groped by old men. Not really groped, just kind of "handled." I am a short person and relatively small so sometimes people man handle me because they think of me like a child. So three times at this crowded swap meet a man physically moved me out of his way to get by. Men are such bastards sometimes. Most times. Sometimes I like to put a little bacon in my shorts. Most times. My wife makes these lovely dresses out of bacon. Like to wear one myself when the time is right. And it usually is. Bacon Bacon Bacon I'm puttin' the movies on you! You're Bacon!

I wish I had a dress made out of bacon. I would wear it to our "semi-formal" office Christmas party this Saturday at the Ashland Springs Hotel

I'm actually going to take this Wednesday afternoon off for an appointment I have in Ashland and I am going to go shopping an buy something to wear to this thing because I hate everything I own. It should be kind of neat though. They remodeled this huge hotel in Ashland few years ago and I haven't been in since then. I've poked my head in but I haven't been to any other part except the lobby. Perhaps I'll buy a beautiful ball gown.

What is Santa bringing me for Christmas this year?

Short Staffed, that's what she said.

I hate the winter. I hate stupid people getting stupid colds all the time. And the flu. And flu shots. And stupid getting dark early. And the time change on top of that. And the stupid cold. I never used to be a cold person. I was always warm. But since I started in this thyroid medication the worst side effect is that I am cold all the time. I wear a coat all day at work. And gloves. Fingerless gloves so's I can type. Which is strange, because one of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism, which is what I have, is intolerance to cold. So I should have been cold all the time BEFORE I started the thyroid medication but I wasn't. So I am just the opposite, I fear. As my brother would say, I am a riddle shoved up the ass of a conundrum, vomited out of the mouth of an enigma.

So we are short staffed at work. And my boss is out off this whole week so it falls to me to try to fill all the holes and work out all the kinks. And take the sick calls at 6 in the freakin' morning. And listen to people tell me why they have to stay home when I don't really care, the point is you aren't coming to work, right? Right? So spare me the drama and the sick voice affectation. I don't really care if people don't come to work. In small doses. I just hate winter when everyone is sick AND taking time off for the stupid holidays. Christmas and Thanksgiving are big crocks of crappy excuses to eat a bunch of crap and have stupid office parties and secret santas and take time off work and get sick and stay home because it is cold and wet outside.

I am not supervisor material. Is the gist of it. Of this post. Or maybe I am, I just would never never have hired the people I have to supervise so it is not really fair to have to supervise people I can't fire.

Winter sucks. That being said, it snowed yesterday and the world was briefly very beautiful. Before it started raining again and turned the snow into brown cold mushy dangerous crap. And Jack-Knifed trucks! Don't even get me started on that! Trucks should have to take separate truck routes in the winter. But like I said, don't get me started on that. Man alive. Saints A Poppin'.

Oh, and I am OFFICIALLY going to college beginning 1/9/06. I got my official acceptance letter yesterday. I am so going to kick ass at college. Look at how smart I am! LOOK AT IT! So freakin' smart. You don't even know.

Does anyone know, is Scrubs still on tv? Or was it cancelled? I miss it so much.

And does anyone laugh at the spell check as much as I do? Like they want me to put foreskin instead of freakin'. And change santas to snatch. Dirty spellchecker. I know what you're thinking, "She actually uses spell check? Why does she have so many typos and grammatical errors?" Fuck you. I would have a lot more.