This year Sandy Claus read my blog, which he mistook for a Christmas wishlist. But it's alll goood cause guess what I got? A penis? Yes! And guess what I'm doing with it? Well, I'm still sitting to pee so it really hasn't changed my life that much. And the rest of the time I just find myself gently pulling at it like I used to sometimes on the benign tumors I used to have all over the vagina I used to have. I'm hoping maybe Blog Ho got my old vagina and if he did here is a list of simple maintenance rituals it would be wise to abide by if he is smart and knows what's good for him.
1. Never, ever, ever let anyone touch it. This has been a rule I've lived by and it has served me well as I didn't get vagina cancer or aids or the SIDS from anyone. Although I did get Diabetes which is air borne AND sexually transmitted so I prolly got it from some diabetes asshole coughing on me or from all those diabetics I serviced during operation Iraqi freedom.
2. Groom sometimes, but don't get overzealous. Trust me on this one. Blog ho will be good at this since he has some experience from his female dog grooming business. My vagina can be one dirty bitch, just like those dogs.
3. If you are going to rub one out, don't listen to music. This tends to stress my vagina out.
4. NO Douching!!!! This is paramount. Mostly it is because of political beliefs but also because it is unnecessary as my vagina smells like roses and poppies and dandylions in a fresh open field and also like clean clothes on a clothesline in the springtime.
5. I have a small mouth with only 24 teeth but my vagina is positively cavernous. Sometimes I get mixed up which causes embarrassing moments with my gynecologist, my dentist, and the black and Asian sailors down at the docks. So this is a rhyme I made up to remember: Small Mouth, Large Down South. However, if you have a big mouth then don't worry about it. Big mouth. Blabber mouth. Fat Ass.
6. If you happen to find my watch, or my jewel encrusted ring, or my family heirloom vibrating 1st addition copy of Moby Dick, please return to me. This is not so much a rule as a request. Thank you kindly.
I'm off to share a little Christmas cheer with my new Yule log.
December 25, 2005
Yule Log Rolling
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5 comments:
I know it is sad and pathetic to comment on your own blog but I just have to say that I think the part about the vibrating first edition of moby dick inside my vagina is the funniest thing I have ever thought of. Isn't it?
But Mndykns, why not have both? Does it HAVE to be one or the other? I mean, think of the fun one could have, assuming the physical dynamics could be worked out, if one had both.
P.S. I always wondered where the vibrating Moby Dick went. I used to sneak it out of the hall closet and hide it under my mattress. I sure hope you sanitized it after you stole it from me.
that is another rule. Always sanitize. For Sanity's sake. And also, use sanitary napkins. Which are inherantly sanitary.
another thing I love about blog ho is that he has sitemeter too, just like me, and so he knows how much time and how often I visit his site so he knows how much I love him. Which is very much. It is kind of like how I imagin it would be if I was God and people who visit my blog and read a lot of my pages and spend a lot of time reading and reading are praying to me.
Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » »
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