I've decided the best way to win friends and influence people is to find blogs of people who I like and comment on them in the hopes that they will click on my link and read my blog and fall in love with me. So far, I haven't had any luck at all. I did find an old comment someone had left me from a long time ago that just said that he loved me. Well at the time I wasn't really into weird guys on the internet commenting that they loved me so I didn't pay no never mind. But now, since I am so desperate for random strangers to look at my blog I decided to tempt karma and check out this guy's blog.
Lord, thank the heavens above that I did. Lord, thank you so much. Lordy lordy lord. Christ almighty in heaven. Thanks. Seriously. I have now found my purpose. I thought I would find my purpose, ba ba ba ba. I have a new link to my new purpose on my sidebar but I will link to it here so you can all enjoy the immediate satisfaction of the funniest person who was made just for mandy to make her laugh.
I am going to ask him for his seed. To mail it to me. In a test tube or some other handy vestibule. Vestibule? I will then remove my eggs and give his seed and my eggs to my sister because she is good at making babies and she told me she would have my baby if I ever found anyone who I wanted to make babies with but not enough to get fat for. And then her stomach would grow and grow with the baby from my egg and blog ho's seed. And then she would give birth to the most beautiful perfect child and this child would grow up to be Sarah Silverman because she would be a girl because Blog Ho's seed is 99% gay.
He intimates in his blog that he is married and has kids but nothing can get in the way of true love. Summer and winter, springtime and fall, true love conquers all. Just a drip and then a drop and then a dribble, my love for him grows everyday. Marya, what's the rest of that song? It is so good. My dad used to write really really good songs before he sold out to the man. Although his avian flu song this year was pretty good. Blog ho likes to write little missives about what he would do and or say and or shove in there if he had a vagina. I hope he doesn't mind my blatant stealing from him when I start to write my If I Had a Penis posts. Because there will be many to come. This first one isn't that funny but it is true.
If I had a penis I would still sit to pee because I need to take a load off. I would say that I "sit to piss" though because saying "piss" is more masculine and also "sit to piss" sounds like a cool band or song and has the same vowel sounds so it kind of rhymes. There is some word in poetry that means this that is the opposite of consonance but I can't remember what it was. Blog ho would know. There's another one. Also, I would sit to pee because it would save time. I often have to pee again right after I "take a load off" which is a euphemism for pooping. Or "shitting" if I am being more masculine again. Why would I want to stand up and sit down and then stand up again unless I am getting ready to fight fight fight? Also, if I had a penis I would imagine a perfect ray of light shooting out of its tip all the time like a laser pointer only not red because I would constantly think I was bleeding from Down There and if I had a penis I shouldn't think I would have to worry about that anymore. But I'll get into that another time.
Oh and lastly, Blog Ho's vagina would be named Valerie. My penis would be named Peter. You probably think this isn't very creative but fuck you. Neither is valerie. However, the reason my penis would be called Peter is because that is currently what my period is called so I would still be able to pull down my pants when I sit to pee and say "Helloooooo Petah!" in my english accent like I do once a month when Peter comes only if I had a penis I could do that every day, 2-3 times because that is how often I pee.
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or 6-8 times because that's how often I would probably masturbate if I had a penis. Plus, that's how many black men come at christmas time to help santa in holland or some such plance according to david sedaris. And I am all about christmas cheer.
Last night I dreamt that I came home to dr schmoctor's house and a bunch of the other doctor's were all here playing strip poker. One of the doctors, let's call him Dr. Schmoctor, is a mormon and in my dream he was wearing only his blue scrubbs shirt and his white lab coat but nothing south of the border which is funny because you'd think he'd take is lab coat off first. Then I noticed Felicity Huffman was there and I kept calling her Felatio and then Doris Roberts came over and I tried to convince her that there was no strip poker game going on but she knew better and walked right past me. All of this took place in the office that is locked here that I'm not allowed to go into. Just shows you what I've been thinking goes on in that office.
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