I am the last man on earth.

I woke up about an hour ago and realized that I am the last man on earth and I don't even have a weiner. What a way to start the new year. The good news is, I said very loudly to myself as all my utterances and phrases and quips will be from now on, The good news is, or actually I said, THE GOOD NEWS IS, because I was talking very loudly, THE GOOD NEWS IS, I WON'T MISS HAVING SEX WITH ANY WOMEN BECAUSE I HAVE NO WEINER ANYWAY. Then I wondered to myself, quietly in my head, "I wonder how you spell weiner. Is it weener? Wiener? I think it is wiener. I should look it up for when I write about this on my blog later." And then I thought about how futile it will be to write in my blog now that I am the last man on earth but then I remembered how much I enjoy reading my own blog entries and how much I entertain myself and since I am the last man on earth I'm going to need to be the only source of my own entertainment so I'd better keep on writing. Then I came up with a list of things I would need to bring with me on a deserted island. This was a hypothetical exercise that is ironic and unnecessary to do once you are the last man on earth. I think this will make me laugh in a few months when I go back and read it. The irony.

I never got to me a millionaire in real life but now that I am the last man on earth, am I a quadzillionaire? Do I own all the earths resources? Or are they all worthless now? Am I the poorest person ever in history now that there is no exchange rate or bartering to be done or worth to be determined? And who am I posing these questions to? When you are the last man on earth, I've discovered, answers are the most priceless and in demand things. I have to give them all myself.

I cut and dyed my hair today. I had grown my bangs out for the second time in my life. My hair was all the same length. I look like a retard with no bangs, I decided.

I've been sort of invited to attend a new years party but I won't. I'm thinking of going to see a movie. I hope I don't have to run the projector myself because I don't know how. I'm smart enough to figure it out. I'm the smartest man on earth.

Apostles, Epistles, Epicenters, Eels.

This is the best series of epistles that I have read in recent times. A.D.

Episstles Part I.

Episstles Part II

Part III

Part IV (must be read intravenously)

Check it out dudes. You will not be sorrier.

I'm Black. From Outerspace. Outerspace made me Black. You've got to love me black.

I'll tell you one thing. I'm not quite ready yet for writing a blog or anything. Don't get your hopes up, men and women. Don't get to feeling that things are all going to be okay again now that Mandy is back blogging and shit, fuckwardly flopheads. Because it isn't that simple. I did happily find the missing glove in my pair of fingerless gloves that my grandma gave me a few years ago that I think belonged to her or to my grandpa. So now I can blog in the winter. The only thing holding me back before was cold hands or gloved fingers. Now I have ungloved fingers and warm hands at the same time, timothy. Great going for me.

I saw Walk Hard some time in the last 2 hours. It was pretty funny. I also really liked the songs and I have deep deep and strong heartfelt feelings for John C. Riley. Strong, deep, hard feelings.

There is a xylophone player here at the coffee shop where I am eating broccoli cheddar soup and drinking a vanilla latte. When you eat soup with fingerless gloves in the winter with a xylophone player in the background it makes you feel like you are back in the oldenest of days. Olden Times, even. Ye Olde Times, you might even say. How do you spell xylophone? I'll look it up later to make sure I'm doing it right. I'm only sure about the x part. The X-factor.

The xylophone player is very young and looks like noah wylie. I shall tip him handsomely upon my leaving. I shall leave when the battery on my laptop forces my departure. I shall depart upon my leaving. The xylophone player is making me want to go home and get started on my pinano playing. I got a piano for christmas. A baby grand piano. I mean, a big nice expensive electric piano. I bet there is a xylophone setting. I'm going to play some great xylophone songs on my new piano. Today was really good because I had no work but also really bad because I didn't leave the house until 4 o'clock or wake up until 11:00 and I couldn't stop playing sudoku. I couldn't stop. I could not stop. I would not stop. I wouldn't and also I could not. It had me. It had me at 123456789. I'm going to record myself playing sudoku and make a song out of it. I'll call it CANNOT STOP PLAYING SUDOKU:THE MUSICAL. It will bust blocks. Bust Blocks!!!

Also, when does the t.v. strike end and when does the holiday schlock stop on t.v. and also when do they stop giving me t.v. for free? I've been warned that I'll no longer be able to use my rabbit ears to get free t.v. sometime in January. Is this the truth? What will I do? What can be done about it? I am so worried about this. I am pulling my teeth and hair and nails out about it. There are bloody teeth and nails and regular hair piled in piles in front of my rabbit ear t.v. now. piles and piles. I can't get a hold of myself over it. I'm chattering.

Sometimes people clap when the xylophone stops playing and sometimes people don't. I tend to clap when others do but once or twice I did and no one did. I'm embarrassed from this.

Over

I am so done. Completely done. I need to take a break. I've got to take a good long break until January.

Here's looking forward to '08. A new president, a new me.

Merry Christmas Everybody! Happy New Year!

Things to Consider When Choosing a Pseudonym

Important things to consider when choosing a pseudonym:

1. It is a good idea to perform an internet search containing the words or part of the words of the pseudonym or pseudonyms you are considering. Mark Twain was alive prior to the advent of the world wide web and search engines but if he were alive today and if he were to perform a search for his name he would find that there are quite a few sites that use his name or contain his name. This would make it difficult for people to find him if they were looking. Part of the problem is that if Mark Twain came from the past into the future prior to when he chose the pseudonym "Mark Twain," he would find it difficult to become Mark Twain in the shadow of the historical figure that he would become. However, even in a world where either there was no Mark Twain, or even worse, where the world wide web had been invented when Mark Twain was alive and deciding on possible pseudonyms, a young Mark Twain might think twice about choosing the words Mark Twain. To understand what I mean, imagine in your mind that you have traveled into the past. You are in America circa whenever it was that Mark Twain made up his name (come to the present quickly to look this date up on an internet search engine if you want to more fully imagine exactly what this future might look like). You are Mark Twain and you are sitting at a computer performing a search on the internet. You aren't thinking of pseudonyms or nom de plumes. The internet has been invented so you are thinking of terms like handle, a user name, login name, avatar, screen name, nick or nickname. You are querying the terms "Mark" and "Twain" together. You are trying several different variations. You are typing in Mark Twain together. You are typing in Twain, Mark. You are typing in "Mark Twain" in order to find exact matches. In Mississippi or Calaveras County or San Francisco or wherever else you might have been at this particular time, had the internet existed, there might be many people with websites devoted to river boating. There might be many more with mentions of mark twains, twains, marks, "mark twain," etc. You'd say to yourself, hmmm... perhaps I'd be better off sticking to my second choice for a pseudonym. Then you'd spend the next few minutes typing in variations of Slutty Longtimehorny Clemency. This does not return any matches and has the added benefit which is that you will not have to change the monograms your mother sewed into your underpants.

Tino and forces of evil are like THIS.

I have important information to pass along to very specific people and also maybe other people if you are at all interested.

Firstly, A#1, to begin with, ABC.com is playing all the episodes of My So Called Life. This is a show that was only on for one season in 1994. I was 15 and 16 in 1994, so, like, it like means something to me, or whatever. That is me imitating the way they talk on that show. Actually, I don't really have to imitate it because I sadly still basically talk the same way I did when I was 15 years old. Maybe not as many likes and whatevers but, like, whatever. You can watch them on your computer by going to abc.com. It is, in my humble opinion, great. I'm not sure how well it would hold up if you'd never seen it before. But I know many of the people who read this have seen it. In fact, Frank, who sometimes reads this blog, mentioned on his blog that he recently saw Wilson Cruz who played Ricky and when he met him he was like "Ricky!" I saw Ricky dancing and fall down in big platform heals when he was on Broadway in Rent for a while. That isn't the same thing as seeing him in real life though. So good going, Frank. Ricky might have been my favorite character. Or Brain Krackow. Now that I am an adult I find myself wishing that Brain and Ricky had been gay together because that would have been so cute. But I guess Brain was straight, or whatever. Oh, one other thing, they just have the first two episodes up now but they are putting a new one up every Friday. Also, you could just come over to my house with your VCR and we could watch all the episodes that I have taped on VHS. I don't have a VCR though so you'll have to bring it.

There is no A#2. I've wracked my brain. No A#2. Sorry.

Three Bagger

This is the old three bagger trick.
You know, like when something is funny the third time around. Or when the third time is a charm.

1. Title of Something That is Differently and Cleverly Titled.

I talked to this one person who was a man and it made me feel a strong case of the uncomfies, which is a phrase I made up and want to get a trademark on. The Uncomfies (tm). I talked and talked and I said a lot of useless made up things and maybe they weren't useless to the man but to me they were just made up things. I do this all the time. Once when my brother in law was asking me questions and I was giving heavy handed opinions outside in the summertime and he said "you've thought a lot about this" and my sister said in an exasperated tone "No! She hasn't! She just talks and words come out that sound like she'd thought a lot about them!" This makes my sister frustrated, I think. Anyway, I enjoy talking.



2. The Pet Got Petted.

Rigley Field was a dog/cat who was a pet. He was petted and treated with kindness and got the ball tossed around and the yarn dangled and was fed and taken care of. They named him Rigley Field because that is the first thing I thought of like when I named my hamster Charlie Wannamaker because that was the first thing I thought of. The pet dog/cat got taken care of mostly except sometimes the man who owned him would go visit his new wife who lived in a different house. Why didn't they just move in together? No one knew.

3. What's The Plan, Stan? STEAL THE GOLDEN 'AN.' GIVE IT TO FRAN. IN THE VAN. LIFE SPAN.

When you've got something to do and you put it off and you hit the snooze button for three hours and you wake up finally because you realize there is one thing to look forward to in the day, even though this thing is so pathetic that you don't even want to mention it on your blog, the place where you say almost everything, that is the day that you think to yourself perhaps you ought to make a plan. And the only plan you can think of is that maybe later tonight, when you get off work, you'll do one of two things. You'll either get drunk, which you quite rarely do, and you have to mention the fact that you quite rarely do this on your blog so that people won't worry, OR you think maybe you'll do some origami because you bought a special origami kit thing back in September for someones birthday but kept it because you wanted to have something to do late at night when you get home from work other than get drunk because you don't want to end up an alcoholic. You should make a real plan. Like, get a career. Or try to become a real writer. Or get married and have children. Or make a podcast. Or write more songs. These are the things you should try to do.

December 7th - A Day that Shall Flop in Infloppy.

This is what I was gwine to put up yesterday but forgot because of the drink.



I love it when he says MY DAD SAYS I CAN SELL THE POOP TUBE.

There are two people who I think are special and might be the best. One interviewed the other and if you live in the Bay Area or in L.A. you should go read their blogs because they don't get enough hits from those areas.

They are Sam Pink who is just an impersonal electronic communication

and Brandon Scott Gorrell who is Alien-fine

I appreciate these two bloggers. I appreciate all the bloggers of the world. I'll ad them to my links to your left. My left, your left. My right. My left. Your right. I mean, your right. And my right. Over there ------------------------->

Yesterday I bought beer at the grocery store. The lady at the check out told me that usually she gets men late at night coming off work and buying beer and she thought it was strange that I was buying beer because I am a woman. She also asked me, conspiratorially, if I wanted her to bag my beer. I think this was supposed to be code for "Do you want people to see that you are buying beer." But I might just be paranoid because I don't like people to see me buying alcohol. I think a really funny short film would be a person just buying all the most embarrassing grocery store items like toilet paper and feminine hygiene products and something for your hemorrhoids or yeast infections and booze and what else? Please leave me a comment telling me what the most embarrassing thing for you is to buy at the grocery store. Condoms probably. But I wouldn't know because I'm catholic.

You know what is the best invention? At Fred Meyer you can scan your own items and pay for them. Self Check Out. Best invention. Puts millions out of work, no doubt but at least I don't have to get any guff about buying beer at 11:30 at night when I get off of work from a lady wearing a fucking Santa hat.

I love it when Michael Jackson sings, "If they say why, why? Tell em that its human nature."

ADDDDENDDDDDUM

I want so badly to make a podcast soon but I've been working working working because SOMEBODY (angelina) had to break her back and make it easy for me to make more money. Anyway, I want to make a podcast on monday. I don't know what to do. Please email me sound things and I'll put them in my podcast:
mandymurphy@gmail.com

If this podcast doesn't get made or sucks you have only yourselves to blame, Fucktards.

Have I Got A Question For You Boy, Hoo Boy.

Here is my question:

Would a good name for an all girl punk band be ZUZU'S LABIA?

Also, I wanted to link to a youtube video or embed it here but I can't get the youtubes at work because work decides the youtubes is not spongeworthy. Not kosher. Not on the DL. So maybe later. I could just describe it to you. Instead I'll just quote what my dad said after I sent it to him:

"That was so funny i shit me slacks."

When I get home maybe I'll put it here. It is from the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! Which very well most likely is probably can't not be the best show on television now or maybe in the history of television. Fuck you, Milton Berle! Anyone can dress up like a lady. Except me, apparently.

Well, things are looking up on the job front. The blow job front. No, really, the real job front. I might get an interview maybe. And that might lead to another interview maybe. And that might lead to a job that pays me more than I get paid now and gives me 40 hours a week of work. Niiiiiiice.

I'll put up the most interesting of my craigslist responses. Well, not the most interesting but the one that peaked my interest the most. He sounds like a dick and that's my MO.

Hello.

I am extensively experienced in the art of relationships and marriage. Experience does not necessarily dictate proficiency.

References: Ex wife #1. Feel free to contact. Daughter 9 yrs old.

Ex wife #2. Please, feel free to contact. Son 4 yrs old.


Experience: Two divorces. I was a selfish bastard. $70-80K a year in medical profession and familiar with the finer nuances of insulin injection.

Not interested in flinging myself upon another's children. Lonely, prone to depression, slightly neurotic, highly functional in the bedroom, extremely sensual. Pic included.

Mostly I like him because he can spell and write complete sentences and doesn't call me baby.

There will be sacks, there will. Be Sacks. Slacks. Sensual Slacks. A pair of very sensual slacks.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Amanda Slacks. Amandaslacks. All that Amanda Lacks. All the things that Amanda Lacks. Amanda's Lacks. Amandaslacks. I like the sound of it.

If it is disingenuous to link to blogs that I don't check every day through my feeder thingy or disingenuous to subscribe to blogs on my feeder thingy that I don't link to here, then I am being disingenuous. I realized that there are blogs that I look at every day, sometimes more than once, that I wouldn't want other people to know that I look at. I am not an honest and open person. I am a lying closed person.

If I change my name to Amanda Slacks do I have to change the name of my blog to Diaslacksies? Do I have to change the name of my podcast to The Diaslackscast? I'm shit fucked in the ass. What'll I do.

Poor Angelina has a broken back. Everyone do your best to make Angelina better so she can come back to work. Someone give me a job that pays more than I get paid now and that will give me 40 hours a week of work and benefits. I'm a hard worker. I'm a creative problem solver with a can-do attitude. I can type, like, over 80 words a minute or something. I've taken some typing tests where it is more like 90 or more. I know the alphabet. I'm good with multi-line phone systems. There is not a single type of software or program that I can't master in about 10 minutes or that I don't already know how to use. I'm a pleasure to work with. I'm mostly punctual. I have a drivers license and proof of insurance. I'm drug free. I'll pee in a cup. You can take my blood. I rarely call in sick. I take very few vacations. I'm almost always available to work overtime. I am very accurate. I am very fast. I am incredibly fun to be around. I am a poor cook. I can't sew. I wouldn't do well in a clothing sweatshop. I've got a degree but I'll pretend I don't if you think that makes me overqualified for something. I am childless and husbandless and would love being totally devoted to a job that will pay me enough to get cable, an insulin pump, and maybe a gym membership. These would be enormous luxuries for me.

References available upon request.

The Future. Welcome to the Future. A Futurmentary

What topping would you like? Just some metal.

Also, add this to my christmas list

Record your vinyl or cassette tapes to CD

My dad said he is getting me a piano. Not a real piano, stupid. An electric portable type piano. I can't wait. I'm going to be able to make some really great songs. I'm much better at piano playing than I am at guitar playing.

So I don't need a piano. Also, you can cross this off your list of possible presents for me because this guy on the internet from England who I don't even know is going to send me one:

Silicone Vibrating Mould A Willy Kit

Here is what was said:

apants said...
You could make one of your penis and your mom's vagina and play out all those incest fantasies you've been having. Or they should make famous cock molds that you could put on your own penis and you could say "Baby, tonight you're getting done up right by Tom Hanks," or "Mom, tonight you're getting fudged by Sean Connery." His would come in silver.

In any case you should definitely put on the christmas card "Hope you like my yule log."
30 November 2007 21:16

apants said...
Oh, and I forgot to say, I totally want one. Sign me up!
30 November 2007 21:18

Frank Morgan said...
you're on the list Amanda Pants!!

I think I'll send you a red one

used or unused - your choice x
01 December 2007 00:59

apants said...
red and white striped like a candy cane!

I also want that rufus wainwright cd/dvd of the judy garland show. Because I am a gay man.

Also, I wrote a great poem.

gramma, you look so pretty in the dark.
gramma, you are just like rose from golden girls

i can't remember when I said those things
but my grandmother was mad both times

the first because it implies that the darkness
covered up her faults

the second because she thought I meant she was dumb
since rose on the golden girls was really dumb

but I meant it that she was pretty, the first time
and the second time I meant it too
because she looks like betty white

Some people cannot take a compliment

What is this? What is it? Is it golden? Is it rock? What is it? Jeez.

I've been reading a lot of stuff lately. I've just been reading and reading and reading but I've not been reading any novels. I've been reading a lot of short stories and a lot of blogs and a lot of magazines and a lot of newspapers. I'm not sure about this kind of reading. Is it real? Does it count? These are the questions that I think about when I'm reading these things. I don't know what it is supposed to count towards but there are a lot of books that I haven't read that I feel I should. At least for dinner parties. I go to a lot of dinner parties.

I'm going to do a project now. I'm going to put together all my books that I own but haven't read. I mean, that's a good place to start I think. I watched a documentary about Helvetica, yeah, the font (or typeface I guess), and there was one scene where these design people where talking about designing stuff (by the way, I think Steve, Marigold, Justin, and Alicia and maybe Frank would really really like this documentary even though it sounds like the most boring thing in the world). In this scene there was a quick shot of a book shelf and all the books were stacked on top of each other, rather than side by side, and they were arranged by color. I'd like to do this with my books. It looked really cool. But first I have to organize them in order of books I own but haven't read. Right next to me, within arms reach, are these excellent books I own but haven't read:

Native Son - richard wright.
A Confederacy of Dunces - john kennedy toole
The Woman Warrior - maxine hong kingston
The Corrections - jonathan franzen (I actually read about half of this and then lost it and then found it and never started it again)
Orlando - virginia wolf
Women in Love - d.h. lawrence

And that's just on one small bookshelf. There are more on the other bookshelves. Not too many more but I think that one is too many. Not to mention the books I want to read that I don't own. Not to mention the books that haven't been written yet. Not to mention the books in other languages that I'll never read because I can't read in very many languages.

Marya! Before I forget! Tell Alex thanks for putting Liz Phair on my laptop a year ago. I really love her and I want to marry her and I just remembered that he put two of her albums on there. I couldn't remember before.

Oh, and fucking Marigold is fucking knocked up like a dirty whore again. While here I stand barren. I'm going to start telling people I'm barren when they ask if I want to have children. Or when they say, "I love children." Or when they say "Hello, how are you today?" "Barren," I'll reply.

No Country for Old Men is really really good and so is Steven King's The Mist. I was left by Mr. King with a big wide open mouth, mouth agape, Agape Agape, at the end of His The Mist. I'm glad I didn't read the novella before I saw the movie. I'm glad I didn't know how it was going to end. Also, I thought Marcia Gay Harden was so great and it was the best advertisement for why religious people should be shot dead and should not be allowed to just be considered harmless old crackpots that everyone agrees to just ignore because they aren't hurting anyone. They are very hurtful. They are hurting all of is. I've been watching a lot of videos on stumbler from Sam Harris and besides the fact that I want to marry him because he is totally cute I also think he's got some great arguments against blithely accepting and tolerating, being tolerant of, religion and religious people and also against people who consider themselves moderately religious. Moderates are the biggest enemies of democracy, or Sam Harris might have you believe. And god help us if the moderates decide that questioning Mitt Romney on his bizarre religion is rude or somehow intolerant. Because there are some serious concerns. Serious concerns. Sorry, mormons who might be reading this right now. Actually, wait, no. Not sorry, mormons who might be reading this right now. Romney is dangerous.

Get on Board, Doctors.

I'm with Doctors With Borders. We mostly take care of the ill who live in our apartments. Don't get out much, us.

I'm going to go see Steven King's The Mist. I read a review of it that mentioned how silly it is to call it Steven King's The Mist. There is a word for that. Putting the The in the middle like that. I don't know what it is but in the review, which was actually on that site where people who haven't seen the movies review the movies, they said that it would be like if Steven Spielberg had called Schindler's List, Oskar Schindler's The List. I'm hoping that The Mist is a lot like Schindler's List. It starts at 6:25 and I am killing time between now (6:07) and then. I'll tell you what I did today.

I slept for a long long long time. I went to sleep late so that's probably why I slept until 11:45. I woke up with a feather between my lips. Now I have avian flue or bird aids. Then I tried to get onto the internet to see what was shakin' but nothing was shakin' except for everything outside my apartment because it has been windy all day. Windy Windy. Like, way way windy. The internet wasn't working, I think because of the wind. Last time it was this windy the internet stopped working for a week and a half and I was very frustrated. It isn't my internet, see, so I can't just call up and tell the internet that they'd better get crackin'. So then I watched a movie. I watched Talk To Her. It was really great. Then I took a bath and read this book that I've been trying to read for a year. Then I took a shower. Then I just piddled around and got dressed and stuff. Then I drove to the campus with my laptop and parked in the parking lot and read my email and some other stuff. Then I went to eat some food because all I ate at home was a banana. I didn't mention that I'd eaten a banana. I had a banana and two cookies, actually, and a cup of tea.

So then I ate at the mexican restaurant up the street from where I live. I had flautas with chicken. Then I came back to the campus and checked my email again and decided to write this while I waited for the movie to start.

My life is so boring.

Shit I won't get around to ever

I was going to compose an interesting poem using the craigslist responses I've gotten but I got bored of it and it is so sad. I'll have to work on that for another day.

I was also going to compose an interesting poem using the google chats between Marigold and I but every single thing we write or say is perfect and golden that I couldn't edit it and it went on for too long.


I was also going to tell you all about how much I liked No Cuntry for Old Men. This is a movie about how hard it is for Old Men to get young lady sex in America. Tommy Lee Jones tries through the whole movie just to find one lady that will have sex with him for no money, just for the fun of it, and he can't find a single one in all of America. Josh Brolin too, and he isn't even an old man. Javier Bardem can have sex with anyone he wants in America and even he can't get any in this movie. Woody Harrelson is also in it and he doesn't even have sex. There is no sex in this movie and it is so difficult to watch. I really feel sad for those old men.

I liked it though. You should see it.

I'm bored at work right now. Portobello Mushrooms, fried, and on top of a spinach salad is like shit, fried, on top of a shit salad. I've had someone to entertain me but it was just an electronic correspondence like Sam Pink. Pam Stink.
or like Marigold.

Portobello Road! Portobello Road! Street where the riches of ages are stowed.
Anything and everything a chap can unload.

When is aunt tuney going to put up her movies and pictures from thanksgiving? I need to know. Jesus I'm bored at work. Jesus!

I too cool, pool rules, fool, no tool, goul.

I asked Angelina What should I write in my blog?

And then she said, Do you think something something something (things I can't repeat here) and I said, Um, yeah probably. Better not.

And then Angelina said, "There should be a sign in where you have to sign in to read people's blogs and stuff" and I told her that you can already do that if you want.

And then we talked about my stocking last year that was so pretty and made out of office supplies.

I want to make another one out of office supplies this year. If only I didn't hate everything.

And then I asked Angelina, "Did you sign up for Secret Santa" and Angelina said NO! And she asked if I remember what happened last year. Yeah, I remember. And the year before. Yeah, I remember.

I never sign up for Secret Santa and I always have to explain why. One of the reasons I give besides "Bah Humbug" is that I always forget to get a present and so I have to go like the day that it is due and half-ass it and then it feels like homework and not like Christmas spirit.

My mom doesn't like that I made some of my fonts bigger like the part that says "fucking you painfully in the facehole," etc. She liked it better when it was smaller and more elegant. Hey mom, I'm in jail. I like it here. It is elegant.

At jail we eat on fine linens.

I told my boss today that I am looking for a new job so, heads up, I said. I applied for a job today. It is as a charge capture specialist. I can do this job. I hope they don't google me. Or specifically I hope they don't google Amandapants. Actually if they do google me it is doubtful that they'll find me because the 'rents gave me a very common name. Thanks parents.

Writing class is done. I'll never write anything good again, likely as not. I want to marry Jeremy Scahill with his darting eyes and his swaying and his writing books about blackwater.

I've gotten lots of great responses to my craigslist ad. Here is one from the other day.

hi baby
call me at 227-3929
i will bring all the information you asked for when we meet
i would love to meet you and please you very soon
jon
yes my cock works great and i have a high sperm count

You guys should call him. I mean, his cock works great. What are you waiting for?

My Thanksgiving Holiday By Amanda Murphy

This was a very fun Thanksgiving Holiday. I had a great time this Thanksgiving Holiday. I hope that all the Thanksgiving Holidays will be more like this one and also like the ones of the past. Thanksgiving Holiday is so so much fun. Thanks for Thanksgiving Holiday. I really liked it. It was really fun. Thanks for it. I hope it was fun. It was fun. I liked it. I liked it lots. I hope you liked it. My family had Thanksgiving Dinner. It was really really fun. It was so so good. I liked it a lot. We played lots of games too. That was really fun. I had fun. It was really really fun. We had fun. I hope you had fun too!

First, on Thanksgiving morning I made crescent rolls. I made three rolls of Pillsbury crescent rolls. It was fun. I had four rolls. I only made three rolls. I ran out of room in my crescent roll container. It was orange. It contained three rolls of crescent rolls. That was about 24 crescent rolls. That was a lot of crescent rolls. I got myself ready to leave to stay the night on Thanksgiving night. I prepared clothing and other necessities. I thought about which underwear I wanted to bring. I thought about which socks I wanted to bring. I brought my thickest socks. I had to wear my loose shoes with them. I wore my loose shoes. I brought my hairbrush. It was fun to get ready to leave. I brought my strawberries. I was worried they would go bad. I drove in my car to my parent's house for Thanksgiving Dinner Day. I got to my parent's house. I ate all my strawberries. I had some coffee. I needed coffee to wake up. I had risen early that morning to prepare myself and to make the crescent rolls.

My cousin was walking down stairs from having just woken up when I walked into my parent's house. I was listening to my iPod. My aunt was there and also there were my parents, both my mother and my father. We all sat down and talked. My mother and my father and my aunt and my cousin and myself all have laptops. We all sat on our laptops. My mother finished making and preparing things to eat. We ate some snacks like oysters and artichoke hearts and olives and carrots and broccoli and cauliflower and a special kind of dip made from canned milk, cream cheese and horseradish. We talked and chit chatted. Soon my brother arrived. My brother arrived with his dog, Chachi. Also, I forgot to mention that my aunt and my cousin brought their dogs Gina and Koda to visit on Thanksgiving Dinner Day too. Gina is Koda's mom. Chachi is my brother's dog. Chachi is Gina's baby boy dog. Chachi is Koda's brother. Chachi and Koda are brothers. My brother has a dog that is my aunt's dog's brother. My aunt has a dog that is my brother's dog's mother. The dogs played and fought and snarled and crashed into one another. Gina is a girl and Koda and Chachi are both males. We were concerned and spoke briefly about which might be the dominant male. Gina is the dominant one I think. Gina is sort of gimpy because she had an accident and was paralyzed. My aunt has to stick her finger in Gina's butt every time Gina needs to go poop. Gina has an acupuncturist and a dog neurologist. Gina walks pretty well for having been paralyzed from the dog waist down.

My brother and my father and my mother and my cousin and my aunt and I all talked and chatted and ate snacks. We made jokes and sang songs and played the piano and the guitar and the banjo and looked at stuff on our computers. My brother doesn't have a laptop but he has a fancy new computer at his home. My brother talks all the time about downloading stuff illegally off of the Internet. Every other sentence he said on Thanksgiving Dinner Day began or ended with, "I download this and that illegally off the Internet." He is really proud of all the stuff he's downloaded illegally off the Internet. He is going to give us all illegally downloaded DVDs and CDs for Christmas. My aunt wants him to make copies of Kolchack: The Night Stalker. My brother named his son Kolchack after Carl Kolchack: The Night Stalker. We all call him Jack. He was with his mom this Thanksgiving Dinner. My brother made a list of things my family wants him to illegally download for Christmas presents. I told him I wanted all of the Sopranos. He said this was no problem at all because he already had the first six seasons. I told him that I could just start with that and then watch the rest through legal means and then I wouldn't feel bad.

My aunt and I argued about how Baby Boomers are ruining the world. She thinks they aren't but I think they are. My brother egged us on and said bad things and made jokes in poor taste. We talked a lot about stuff on the Internet and movies and t.v. shows. My aunt admitted that for a long time she thought my brother had named his son after the character that David Hasselhoff played in Knightrider. We all laughed at her but now that I've thought about it this might not have even been as ridiculous as naming your child after Kolchak: The Night Stalker.

Soon my grandmother and uncle came. My aunt and uncle are my mom's brother and my mom's sister. My grandmother is my mother's mother. My cousin is my mother's sister's daughter. I also have a sister. She has a family. They weren't there. My uncle and my grandmother brought pies. We now had a turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries, dressing with onions, dressing with no onions, gravy, broccoli, 24 crescent rolls, pumpkin pie, cherry pie, apple pie, pecan pie, and other types of snacks like the ones I mentioned before. I said, "How come I like oysters out of a can but I don't like oysters in a restaurant?" and my aunt said it was because I am snooty white trash. My family often refers to themselves as Snooty White Trash. The wi-fi connection that my parents now have in their home is named "SNOOTY." My sister called it this when she set up their wi-fi for their matching laptops that have their names on them that my sister created with a label maker that I think she has at her office. One says, "Gerald" and one says "Nicole." Those are my parent's names. That way, they won't get mixed up because their laptops are identical. My laptop is the same but older. My aunt has a macbook. Her screen is really big.

We talked some more and yelled and argued and sang songs and ate and made jokes for a while after my grandmother and uncle arrived. We had to make sure the dogs were all outside when my grandmother arrived because she is 89 and can be knocked over when one of them so much as sniffs her, let alone three of them jumping all over her and trying to lick her all over as they do. They are three Labrador retrievers. I don't think I mentioned that before. Gina and Chachi are chocolate labs and Koda is black. Chachi and Koda's father is a yellow lab. Labs are competitively obedient. These labs are mostly just wild wild dogs.

I shot some video with my camera and so did my aunt. Then we all sat down to eat. Everyone started eating even before my mom had sat down. I thought this was rude but then she said to go ahead. My aunt recorded all of us saying what we were thankful for. I can't remember what I said. Something flippant, most likely. My family never takes things seriously. My dad pretended to do some Latin catholic prayer and made fart noises with his mouth. We talked at length about a podcast that both my aunt and I had listened to from Slate.com about whether or not Thanksgiving is a religious holiday. Most of us thought that it wasn't because we thought the thanks we were giving was a general thanks to people and stuff and we also thought that the original Thanks were given to the Native Americans who helped the pilgrims not to starve to death but my dad, who was raised catholic, said that was all a bunch of crap and that the pilgrims were thanking God and that Thanksgiving is a day when you thank God for all of your blessings and that the pilgrims wanted the Native Americans to convert and thank their Christian God and that we are all crazy for thinking Thanksgiving is a secular holiday like the Fourth of July. We agreed to disagree. I can't remember now if my dad is an atheist or not. It is easy to forget.

I tried to record the whole Thanksgiving Dinner conversation on my laptop but I forgot my microphone and had to borrow my dad's and it didn't work right but I didn't know until I checked later and saw that it didn't record anything really. Only about 30seconds was all. It was for the best though because I think my mom would have been mad that I recorded everything without telling anyone.

After Thanksgiving Dinner was done my cousin Maggie and I drove to the store to get mostly white things and one sparkly thing. We had to memorize what we were to get because we were too full from eating to find a piece of paper and a pen. It was a fun game to remember the list. I still remember it. We remembered by remembering that they were almost all white things except for one thing that was sparkly. It was paper towels, one half gallon of non-fat milk, one half gallon of whole milk, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, and two bottles of sparkling cider. The paper towels we got were called "Sparkle" paper towels and we thought that was funny. No one else thought it was particularly funny. We also got gum at the check out. My mother had given me twenty dollars and Maggie's mother had given her twenty dollars. They told us to keep the change. We got 16 dollars and some change back. We were going to split the change evenly between us because this is also kind of funny but we got a ten and then a five and a one back so I just took six dollars and let Maggie have the ten because she is only 20 and she needs the extra cash for her drugs or whatever 20 year olds do these days.

When we got home everyone ate pie. Maggie got out the chocolates that she had brought from her job. She works at a chocolate factory. It is actually just a chocolate shop but they make chocolate there so it is sort of like a factory. They make delicious chocolates. One was spicy, she told me, but I didn't want that one.

I can't remember what happened then. I think my aunt and my uncle and I argued over who gets more hits on our respective blogs and websites and my uncle won. Also, we argued about who had the weirdest search phrases that will link to our sites. My uncle won that argument too. My uncle and my aunt played cribbage. She won but she almost didn't because my uncle tried to cheat her by implying that he won at the very end without actually counting the points of his last hand. She didn't bother counting either. I think he felt bad though because he gave her the dollar they were playing for. My aunt and I played cribbage the next day, on a side note, and we also bet a dollar, as is the usual bet in my family when we play cribbage, except when we play cribbage and bet a dollar we call it a skoot. I won and she never paid me my god damned dollar. She is a dirty welcher.

Everyone kind of just lounged around uncomfortably and moaned for a while then. My mom and dad took naps. I talked to my grandmother. I took a lot of pictures. The dogs played and ran around. Hours passed. We all lost track of time. My sister called and we talked to her on the phone about her Thanksgiving Day with her family.

My uncle and grandmother drove home. The rest of us tried to decide what game we were all going to play together. Usually we play Scattergories or Taboo or a card game like Hearts or Thirteen. My brother tried to get us to play the Lord of the Rings Risk game that he had gotten at the Good Will. He set up the board and the pieces and we looked at the map and talked about the differences between the regular Risk game and the Lord of the Rings Risk game and then I put it away while we were removing the leaf from the table. I've never liked Risk much. Takes too long.

I tried to get everyone to play Headbanz because it is a really fun game but some people didn't want to. I promised that it was the most fun game and so we started to play it and then we had the most fun. First, it is fun because you get to wear a red headband. Second, it is fun because everyone gets to see the card stuck in your headband except you. And then you have to ask questions to guess where or what or who is represented on your card. One of the cards that I got was a Mermaid and it took me forever. Another one that my brother got was Atlantic City and it took him forever. My dad got Pizza and quit because he couldn't get it. He started playing again when we were all having fun and he got bored. My mom gave obvious hints instead of just answering yes or no questions and I got mad at her. No one would answer the questions in a straightforward manner. We became frustrated and then we would laugh and laugh. It was the best game ever.

My brother and his dog Chachi left after that. My mother and father and aunt and cousin and myself all started to play the initial game. My dad went to bed because he was too tired to play. The four of us played the initial game for a long time after that. The initial game is another game my family plays all the time. It is fun because you can play it anywhere just to pass time. It is easy to play. You just think of a famous person and say his or her initials and then they have to ask you questions about your person to determine who you are. One that I had that took people a long time to guess was M.S. After this is over you can ask me questions and I'll answer them and you can try to guess who M.S. is.

We were all very very tired then and we all went to sleep. Thanksgiving was over. Thanks.

Guess what my new porn name is?

Rudy Fuckstable. Dudes would totally pay to see Rudy Fuckstable get boned. We had such a great time on Thanksgiving Day yesterday. First, we ate pumpking pie and turkey. Then we ate some other things. I can't remember all of it.

Then we played Headbanz for like 27 hours. I love headbanz! Back in my old college days I played it a few times with my pals. Proof of that came when this card was came up:



That is my friend Steve's name and his phone number when he lived in Arcata. Those were the good old days.

We also played the initial game for a long time and that is a lot like headbanz only backwards.

I wanted my aunt to play cribbage with me but she won't so far. My brother wanted us all to play his Lord of the Rings Risk game but we wouldn't. I also wanted to play scattergories or Taboo or Goddamn you to a bloody hell for all eternity but noone will play with me. Maybe later.

Happy Thanksgiving, T. Hank Sciving.

Dear T. Hank Sciving,

Happy Thanksgiving.

I was going to put up the story I wrote in class yesterday about eating a baby but I will spare you this on this most eatingest of Holidays because I wouldn't want to spoil your taste for flesh.

I will instead transcribe for you here the lyrics of my now famous Thanskgiving Song.

On Thanksgiving day there are thrilling pilgrim stories,
How the Indians helped that first Thanksgiving day.
How I love it so eating pumpkin pie and turkey.
Let us all give thanks on this bright Thanksgiving day.

Bright Thanksgiving, Bright Thanksgiving, Bright Thanksgiving day.
Bright THanksgiving, Bright Thanksgiving, Bright Thanksgiving daaaaaaaaaaaay.
Ah Cha Cha

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