Happy St. Groundhog's Day, Rapists!

Dear The Rapists (or is it pronounced therapists? I never know),

I hope your rap songs are coming along good. I for one really look forward to your next album, lp, or mp3, whatever it is that the kids are calling it these days. And Happy St. Groundhog's Day! As you know I always get giddy this time of year when the first of the Saint's holiday trifecta arrives heralding Spring and bringing us all closer to god like the way that the person Trent Reznor was singing that song to brought him closer god (These holidays also make me want to fuck them like an animal).

First is St. Groundhog's Day. Today! February 2nd. The day of reckoning. This is a great day to bring your secretary to work and it is also the 2nd day of Black History Mumph. It is most importantly, however, the day that the groundhog pokes his head out of a dark black hole and reminds me that it has been a couple of days now since I had a healthy bowel movement. I usually then drink eight to 48 ounces of coffee, eat several apples and other types of shit-bringing fruits, and then start the waiting game. If I poop before the groundhog does then we have eight more years of winter. If the groundhog poops before I do then we have eight more years of spring. Yay!

The second saint holiday in the trifecta is St. Vagalintines Day which the Femi-Nazis have pretty much taken over with their womb-centric rhetoric and their decorative bloody tampon streamers and maxi-pad garlands. It used to be a great American Holiday. Now it has been ruined by the Politically Correct Police of the 1990s. Fuck that shit, man.

The third saint holiday is St. Patrick's Day. I'm going to skip Vagalintines Day and all the other days in between and just commence with the drinking right now. I'm also going to drive some snakes out of town and bring Christianity to some of the near bye barbarians. I'll probably taunt and murder some people too. I'm just guessing that St. Patrick would have wanted me to.