Mama's little baby, Went to the Doctor, Shortening Bread, Doctor Said, "No More Shortening Jumping on the Bread!"

A couple of people think I am a pussy for not reading my stories out loud in story class. Sometimes it is because I'm chicken. Other times it is because I am embarrassed to read what I've written out loud. I'm embarrassed to even post this one here but I figure if I can't put it here and I can't read it out loud then what was the point of even writing it in the first place, right? I know, right? So this content is probably not appropriate for 89 year old grandmothers although I don't know why everyone always feels like they have shelter 89 year old grandmothers who went through world wars and depressions and had a bunch of kids and stuff. Whatever.

Deloris She Comes Standard.

I say, "Baby! Baby Please."
She says, "I'll give you a head start."
"Baby, come on, baby please!"
"30 seconds"
"Baby, baby please, I'll try harder, baby."
"29"
"Oh baby, shit, you don't even know how to use that thing."
“You not knowing how to use your dick doesn’t stop you from sticking it in any passing pussy, fucker. 28.”
“You’re gonna hurt yourself, baby.”

She flings the shotgun forward from where it had been settled on her shoulder and fires a shot half a foot from my toe. "27, shithole." She turns her back to me, shotgun back on her shoulder standing like some kinda gay soldier, one hip jutted out, left hand on the other, and she keeps on counting down.

Damn. I turn on my heel as I hear her cold, dead, far away voice start on 26. Fuck! Take a breath. Run. The short dirt road ahead seems the longest ever. This gravel like ice under my boots, sliding around like a hot car peeling out. But then I see it, I see her, at the end of the road, there she is, my beautiful baby, my sweet, sweet Camaro, my 1982 silver Berlinetta, my salvation. Jesus lord let me feel your black custom cloth interior so soft on my skin just one more time. Jesus Lord. I can't hear her counting anymore. Don't turn around. Keep your eye on your baby. My baby, Deloris. Rhymes with clitoris. She, that bitch, she once said, "Does her last name rhyme with Can't Ever Find It?" But I found it alright. She came. Goddamn Mother Fuck! Keep your eye on your baby. Oh, I'm coming Deloris, just hold on baby. Please start, please start, when at long last I get to you my sweet, sweet baby, please start.

My baby, Deloris, she came, she came, she came standard with the 2.8 LC1 V-6. A little bit closer now. Deloris she came standard with her own unique 14x7 finned aluminum wheel with gold accenting and `Berlinetta' center cap, her own lower body pinstriping, and her fucking solid ass gold "Berlinetta" badging. A little bit closer now. There is the scratch I gave her, my poor baby, doing donuts, throwing up gravel, there it is, I can see it. I'm so close, she is coming into focus, there she is, my silver sweetheart. Her big beautiful headlamp pockets are painted in an accent color, gold, and her tail lights have a gold and black horizontal divider bar. Her interior came, it came standard with custom cloth interior, black, rear storage well cover and additional carpeting on rear wheelhouses. I want to feel myself inside you baby, so bad, just one last time. Jesus Lord, help me. She came standard with additional body insulation, full instrumentation and her own unique steering wheel with `Berlinetta' badge.

Hold on Deloris baby, I'm on my way. Please Please Please. I'm coming, baby. Please. I reach out, my hand so close, so close, I'm so close baby, to the door, my left hand creeping back to my pocket for my keys, my keys, my keys. Fuck. My keys. I stop short. I hear a jingle jangle coming from behind me. I turn and see that big fat smug grin and my key chain dangling from her small dirty fingers.

Jingle Jangle, "3"

Jingle Jangle, "2"

Goodbye my dear Deloris. I will always love you. My baby.