I liked this guy

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D", for doughnut.
I rent a lot of cars, y'know, cuz I go on the road. I rent cars. And when I drive a rental car I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of time I drive, like, for 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment."
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.
(After replugging in his microphone) I hate puzzles.

He died the other day. At 37. Not 27, but pretty close. I think he died of drugs. Like Bob Dylan. I'm outta heeeeeaaaare.