The National Scholars Honor Society

I got this little postcard in the mail a while back from The National Scholars Honor Society. It is a "special invitation" to appy for membership. I threw it in my back pack thinking that I might check it out but I usually don't go in for this kind of stuff. It is a little too "Who's Who" for me. I wasn't going to apply but then I decided to just go look at the website. And then I decided to see if they charge anything. They don't. So then I decided, why not, I'll apply. So then I clicked all the clickity clicks required to apply. And then I got to the freetext part where they encourage you to write about how great you are. You know, awards you've won and crap like that. And then I sort of felt stupid because I really haven't done anything great. So I wrote this:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a horrible person. I neither deserve nor desire to be honored as a scholar. One of the many reasons that I do not deserve to be included in the National Scholars Honor Society is because I do not desire to be included in the National Scholars Honor Society. I am a middling student, at best. I am slovenly, slothful, stupid and sinful. I am a second class citizen in many ways. I am a woman. I am a diabetic. I am overweight. My BMI is over the healthy number. It should be under 25 and it is about 26. I have shamed my family and friends more times than I can count. I swear in public and in front of children, often. I do not exercise regularly. I watch far too much television and am obsessed with the culture of Hollywood and fame. I have formidable talents which I have wasted. I have a high I.Q. and have received very high test scores throughout my life. I have musical talents and acting abilities. I am a fairly good writer. I shirk these talents as though they were burdensome responsibilities assigned to me by god. I don't believe in god. I am essentially an atheist. I work many hours and have taken out large loans for extra money. Not because I've been subject to extreme economic hardships, but rather because I want to live the comfortable and entertaining lifestyle that I have become accustomed to. I work in a hospital but I loathe the old and the infirm. I do almost nothing to help the earth, society, or my community. I rarely even recycle. If someone actually reads this, please, do not reward my achievements. The relatively high GPA and grades I have received are nothing compared to my potential. I could have done this in my sleep. I have actually slept through much of my "academic" life. The people you should be rewarding are those in the 3.0 to 3.5 GPA range because those people are probably actually really stupid and have to try really hard to maintain such an average. I barely break a sweat. I am no scholar. Truly.

With Warm Regards,

Amanda Murphy

P.S. Some of this is true.

So, do you think they'll let me in?