Happy New Year!

I celebrate the new year as the ancient Mayans did. On January 13th. I was up late last night, drinking champagne, setting off fireworks, making noises on noise-makers. Talk about the least original name ever for something so fun and annoying! Kazoo. Now there's a name for an annoying fun thing that makes noise! No, we'll call these guys "noise-makers." Clever.

I don't really do any such thing as celebrate new years on january 13th. That is ridiculous. Shame on you for believing me. Fool you once, shame on you! Fool you twice, double dumb-ass shame on you! Remember in Star Trek I think the 4th the one with the Whales when some punk guy calls spock a dumb-ass and kirk says that he has to get with the lingo of the times or something like that and spock is all like "Double dumb-ass on you!" Golden.

Actually, I was planning on doing this whole Amandapant's year in review sort of thing and I was really going to go for it, blow by blow, blog by blog. I got as far as february for notable happenings and then gave up. Part of it was going to be the best comment of a particular month but since february probably had the best comments, in thread form, of the whole year anyway, I'm posting what was to be the february entry here. You'll just have to imagine what the rest of the months recaps would have looked like. Just imagine it.

February 2006 Notable Events: Reading my blog, I guess the most notable thing was that I seemed insanely happy. Some people died, which is also notable, which took the edge off my happyness a little bit. Thanks a lot.Also I wrote, "I'm thinking of becoming an academic." The first outward mention of my plans for possibly going to grad school. Also, I was in a play. Perhaps the last play I'll ever be in.

Best comments:This is a whole comment thread because it was hilarious.
Aunt Faintly said... When I was about 13-years old I was in the car with my parents and saw that someone had scrawled on the wall "Jody is a CUNT" So I had to ask them what a cunt was. They wouldn't tell me.

apants said... cunt cunt cunt. What a word, eh? My parents would have totally told me what it was. In fact, I don't remember ever not knowing what a cunt was. "Shut your cunt-face!" my dad would tell my mom. "Your cunt of a mother is on the phone!" my mother would report to my father. Yes I learned early on in life that a cunt was a girl. Like Me! Your parents probably didn't tell you because they thought you were stupid for not figuring it out by the scrawled message. Jody, you see, is a non-gender specific name. So the person doing the scrawling was just making sure that people understood that this Jody has a bergina. How about Cunt Haske!

apants said... You were THIRTEEN and you didn't know what a cunt was? Geez. What a cunt you were.

apants said... I guess I shouldn't make fun. I didn't know what a rusty trombone was until a few days ago. Now I can't get enough!

apants said... I have a similar story. When I was about 10 I was watching TV with my sister who is 7 years older than me so she would have been like 17. The word Dildo was uttered on whatever we were watching. Probably not something suitable for a 10 year old but my family was always kind of lax when it came to suitability. Can you tell? Anyway, my sister didn't know what a dildo was! And she was almost in college!! I couldn't believe she didn't know what it was but I was too embarrassed to really explain it to her. But she really wanted to know. I think I said it was a fake weener or something along those lines. My sister was such a dildo.

apants said... dildo dildo cunt cunt rusty trombone. I looove the internet!!!!

apants said... Good thing no one will read all these comments.

Anonyma said... No, it wasn't that I didn't know what a dildo was... it was that I didn't know what it looked like. It was that movie Parenthood and somehow all the lights go out and Steve Martin's trying to find a flashlight and the lights come back on and he's holding a vibrator.
Then there was the time when I was thirteen and Adrian and Michael's cousin came to visit and she and her brother asked me and Myles if we wanted to do some lines and I was picturing drawing lines on pieces of paper. Myles coolly answered no for us, fortunately. So I didn't have to be disappointed that it wasn't going to be a doodling party!

Anonymous said... But I will admit that I never really learned to masturbate, whereas you were a pro from, like, age 12.

J Boyn said... I came upon this comments thread late but I verify that its the hardest i've laughed at work in ages.

Best February Post Title: "Said steam, steam, a hundred bad dreams, going up to harlem with a pistol in his jeans" Tom Waits. And I like it because before I looked it up for this blog post I thought he was saying "Steam, Steam, Underpant dreams."

Best February "The State" reference: "I love: Michael Showalter. The Baxter. Here is a picture of him that I took after we got into a big fight one morning. But he apologized and bought me a pool table afterwards. Which was nice of him. And then we both took a little catnap and woke each other when the sloppy joes were ready. It was a lovely day."

I also did January but January is lame. Even in Spanish, January is lame. Enero.

I sent off my first grad school application today. There is a whole bunch of other stressfull crap I could go on and on about this process but I won't because it will only stress me out more. It suffices to say that my problems have to do with 1/15 being a holiday, not receiving my 3rd letters of recommendations from she who shall remain nameless until I receive her letters, and also not receiving my humboldt transcripts in a timely fashion . It suffices to say. The one I sent out was for the city university of new york and don't tell anyone, (this is a big secret) but I hope against all hopes that I get in here. And I hope that Johanna doesn't mind if I make her pay for the debts that William still owes me by letting me crash at their sweet coolcat pad for a little while so that I can get settled there if they let me in. Don't tell! Big Secret!

Also, has anyone heard about this David Beckham playing in America thing? That is so crazy! This is like Michael Jordan deciding instead of trying to play major league baseball, he would instead just go play basketball in like Ireland or something. It is simply crazy! Some people who read this might not know that the only sport I've ever really been interested in is soccer as I played it for many years in my youth, in highschool, and for a few years in the intramural leagues in college. I used to really believe in the idea of a massive soccer surge in America being just a few years away but in the last 14 years since I really started to believe this, I've seen little evidence that attitudes toward soccer in America are going to change very quickly. My first thought when I read about this Beckham thing was, "Here it is! Now things are really gonna change!" But I really don't know how one superstar could really turn things around, especially since he is really at the tail end of his career now. If he and Posh spice stay in america and raise their children here, perhaps we will see an american superstar soccer player in a few years in the form of his oldest son. Until then, that Freddie Adu kid is the best bet for an American soccer superstar.