It's Official!

Nothing is really official. I just though that was a good title of a blog. It sounds so official. And anticipitory. Like one might think, "What's official??? Is she pregnant? Getting married? A lesbian?" But no, nothing is official with me. Mostly things are unofficial. Like this blog. It is an "unofficial autobiography." I am ghostwriting it. Does anyone remember that kids show? I think it was called Ghostwriter and it was about this ghost or spector or something that wrote stuff and only the kids could see it??? Wasn't that it? And what about that show with the dog that would act out great works of literature. What was that show called. I really need to know. Seriously.
I've been thinking a lot about old times and how I miss having friends to hang out with and how I really took a lot of things for granted, like having friends. And not having to work. And having an ass that would not quit. I think about the past way too much. I dreamt I had a baby. So now THAT stuff is going to start. Dreaming of babies. Goddamn hormones.

My first rehearsal for Carnival was today. I think it will be fun. It was strange to go to a rehearsal and not have a whole lot of lines and stuff. I'm sort of looking forward to not having very much responsibility in this show. Usually I have a million lines. Or I have to make out with someone. This will be good. A humbling experience. Because I really do think I am the greatest sometimes. Most times. Sometimes I like to put a little bacon in my shorts. Most times. I'm putting the moves on you. You're Bacon!

Anyway, all this stuff I've been thinking about is mostly likely tied to the fact that I'm going to be seeing a bunch of friends soon and I'm really excited but sort of nervous. Very nervous. I'm afraid I've gotten too weird and eccentric and remote to actually relate to the same people I used to have fun times with. And of course they'll have changed. And they are all doing things and I'm not doing anything. I have no ambition. In order to have ambition you have to have ambitions. Like, things you want to do. But you can't have ambitions without ambition. I tried to do my best, but I could not. I don't want to get married or have kids and stuff. And I don't want a career. And I don't really want to travel even. I can't even relate to people who do stuff.

I literally have not had a truthful conversation with someone who knows me outside of my family in 2 years. I lie. All the time. To people who don't know me very well. I'm fairly honest with people who do know me or people who I'd like to get to know. But I haven't even met someone that I'd like to get to know in a long time. So I'm nervous to be around people who know me. I can't lie to them. They know I'm not nice. They know I swear like a mother fucking stupid-ass bitch. This guy at work the other day told me he thought I was a mormon this whole time I've worked there because I knew this mormon lady that came in once. A year and a half he thought I was a mormon and nothing I did or said dispelled this belief because I am incapable of an honest interaction with anyone I work with. Maybe it's the extra underwear I wear. Over my clothes. To protect myself. From people like him. I drink like 5 cups of coffee every day for christ on a stick's sake.

But I digress. saturday night live is on and I have fucking priorities.

and another thing, why do I feel this overwhelming need to have a picture in all my posts? Just because you CAN have pictures doesn't mean you always have to. That means you, Steve.