So I got a strange call tonight.
But I'll need to go back in time. When I was a little girl I used to kick this one kid, Donny Parker, in the nuts almost every single day. I'd say we were in the third grade. And probably at least once a week, I would kick him square in the nuts. Right in the old Ball-Sack, as we would say back in the school yard. I'm not proud of this behavior and I'm not sure why I did it. I think some of the other girls did it too. And it isn't that I didn't like this kid or that he was some kid of social pariah of any kind. I just thought it was funny to kick old Donny right in the nuts. In the testes, so to speak. Right all up in there. Sometimes from behind when he wasn't even expecting it. When he couldn't even see it coming.
Well it turns out that about 5 years ago little Donny married an old high school chum of mine and they've been trying to have children for last 3 years or so without any luck. I guess they've been to all sorts of fertility doctors and stuff. Anywho, to make a long story short, it turns out that Donny is the one whose love rockets aren't making it to ground zero, so to speak. Flight 93 in Donny's pants keep crashing in Pennsylvania instead of making it to the old Pentagon, if you catch my drift.
So tonight I get this call from Donny and he sounds a little drunk and he tells me "Thanks a lot for kicking me in the balls all those times, Mandy." And then he went on and told his whole sob story and told me that his doctor told him that it is very likely that his infertility may have to do with the repeated trauma that his balls suffered all those many years ago. And then he just sort of started yelling and angrily sobbing curses at me over the phone. I was sort of half listening because I was trying to find my hand held recording device so I could get this conversation on tape because, man, this shit was golden! But I couldn't find it in time and Donny hung up the phone after calling me a fucking whore-bitch or something like that. At first I actually though he said "Crummy Orbitz" and I was all like what?
It is probably for the best though. Those kids would've probably turned out retarded or something.
November 11, 2006
Trip down Mammary Lane
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8 comments:
Even if you just made that up it make me very sad.
Maybe it's because I just watched Gone With The Wind, but I don't really find unrepenting assholes entertaining.
Even if I just made it up?
If you just made that up, maybe is good writing because it makes me sad. Maybe it is that I am a new dad, and as cliche as it is Huck has brought an incredible amount of joy to us. To have taken that away from someone, even accidentally or through the mindlessness of being young, and then to call them retarded is very inhuman.
If I burn your face in a tragic cigarette accident and then not only don't apologize, but actually make fun of you for being ugly, could I still be called a good person?
Ha Ha! Good Times! Jokes about 9/11 and whatnot! LOL.
I particular liked the jokes about 9/11. I mean, how often do you get to see jokes about infertility, mental disabledness, AND 9/11 all in one? Not very often! For the record, since Steve may not be the only one who thought this could be true, it is not true. For the record. Or is it? I'll never tell.
What offends me is the laziness of the naming. Donny Parker? Um... woof woof woof? Can't we get past Our Father's imbecilic silliness?
wait if this isn't true then i wonder if that is possible. I think that the gonads change so much during the puberty that they probably could overcome a bit of damage as a kid.
Getting kicked in the balls can't be that different than doing tons of crazy BMX jumps and getting lots of bicycle seat pressure on the old nuts.
Therefore you mandy are a FABRICATOR!
That wasn't laziness!! That was insider jokyness! I told the story to myles and the exchange was something like this, "So I got a call from this kid I went to school with, Donny parker." And then he went "Woof Woof Woof" And that just about ruined the whole story because I knew he wouldn't believe me after that. But here, only you would know Danny Barker, Woof Woof Woof.
Okay, but did you know they made a musical of Grey Gardens?!? Will you fly to NY with me tomorrow to see it? http://www.greygardensthemusical.com/
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